Knickerbocker's history of New York

Digitized by the Internet Archive
in 2017 with funding from
Brigham Young University

https://archive.org/details/knickerbockershi01irvi94

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G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS

LONDON

24 Bedford Street, Strand

NEW YORK

27 AVest Twenty-third St.

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1894

COPYRIGHT, 1893

G. P. PUTNAM’S SONS

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Contents,

Originai. Advertisements

The Author’s Apology

Account of the Author

Address to the Public

BOOK 1.

CONTAINING DIVERS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND
PHILOSOPHIC SPECULATIONS, CONCERNING THE
CREATION AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS
CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK.

Chap. I. — Description of the World .

Chap. II. — Cosmogony, or Creation of the
World ; with a multitude of excellent
theories, by which the creation of a world is
shown to be no such difficult matter as com-
mon folk would imagine ....

Chap. III. — How that famous navigator, Noah,
was shamefully nicknamed ; and how he
committed an unpardonable oversight in not

Contents

PAGE

having four sons ; with the great trouble of
philosophers caused thereby, and the dis-
covery of America 6i

Chap. IV. — Showing the great difficulty philoso-
phers have had in peopling America ; and
how the Aborigines came to be begotten by
accident — to the great relief and satisfaction
of the Author 72

Chap. V. — In which the Author puts a mighty
question to the rout, by the assistance of the
Man in the Moon — which not only delivers
thousands of people from great embarrass-
ment, but likewise concludes this introduc-
tory book . 84

BOOK II.

TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTEEMENT OF THE ^
PROVINCE OF NIEUW-NEDEREANDTS.

Chap. T. — In which are contained divers reasons
why a man should not w^rite in a hurry ; also,
of Master Hendrick Hudson, his discovery
of a strange country, — and how he was mag-
nificently rewarded by the munificence of
their High Mightinesses . . . .113

Chap. H. — Containing an account of a mighty
Ark which floated, under the protection of
St. Nicholas, from Holland to Gibbet Island,

— the descent of the strange animals there-
from,— a great victory, and a description of
the ancient village of Communipaw . . 131

Contents

Chap. III. — In which is set forth the true art of
making a bargain — together with the mirac-
ulous escape of a great metropolis in a fog —
and the biography of certain heroes of Com-
munipaw

Chap. IV. — How the heroes of Commuuipaw
voyaged to Hell-gate, and how they were
received there ......

Chap. V. — How the heroes of Communipaw
returned somewhat wiser than they went —
and how the sage Oloflfe dreamed a dream —
and the dream that he dreamed .

Chap. VI. — Containing an attempt at etymology
— and of the founding of the great city of
New Amsterdam ......

Chap. VH. — How the people of Pavonia migrated
from Communipaw to the island of Manna-
hata — and how Oloffe the Dreamer proved
himself a great laud-speculator

Chap. VIH. — Of the founding and naming of the
new city ; of the City Arms ; and of the dire-
ful feud between Ten Breeches and Tough
Breeches .......

Chap. IX. — How the city of New Amsterdam
waxed great under the protection of St.
Nicholas and the absence of laws and statutes
— How Oloffe the Dreamer begun to dream of
an extension of empire, and of the effect of
his dreams .......

V7i

TN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOLDEN REIGN
OF WOUTER VAN TWILLER.

Chap. I. — Of the renowned Wouter Van Twiller,
his unparalleled virtues — as likewise his
unutterable wisdom in the law-case of Wandle
Schoonhoven and Barent Bleecker — and the
great admiration of the public thereat . . 217

Chap. II. — Containingsome account of the grand
council of New Amsterdam, as also divers
especial good philosophical reasons why an
alderman should be fat — with other particu-
lars touching the state of the province . 232

Chap. III. — How the town of New Amsterdam
arose out of mud, and came to be marvel-
lously polished and polite — together with a
picture of the manners of our great-great-
grandfathers 248

Chap. IV. — Containing further particulars of the
Golden Age, and what constituted a fine lady
and gentleman in the days of Walter the
Doubter ........

Chap. V. — Of the founding of Fort Aurania — Of
the mysteries of the Hudson — Of the arrival
of thePatroon Killian Van Rensellaer ; his
lordly descent upon the earth, and his intro-
duction of club-law’ .....

Chap. VI. — In which the reader is beguiled into
a delectable walk, which ends very differently
from what it commenced .... 277

r

Contents

IX

Page

Chap. VII. — Faithfully describing the ingenious
people of Connecticut and thereabouts —
showing, moreover, the true meaning of
liberty of conscience, and a curious device,
among these sturdy barbarians, to keep up a
harmony of intercourse, and promote popu-
lation 286

Chap. VIII. — How these singular barbarians
turned out to be notorious squatters — How
they built air-castles, and attempted to
initiate the Nederlanders into the mystery
of bundling 295

Chap. IX. — How the Fort Goed Hoop was
fearfully beleaguered — How the renowned
Wouter fell into a profound doubt, and how
he finally evaporated 304

BOOK IV.

CONTAINING THK CHRONICLES OF THE REIGN
OF WILLIAM THE TESTY.

Chap. I. — Showing the nature of history in
general ; — containing furthermore the uni-
versal acquirements of William the Testy,
and how a man may learn so much as to
render himself good for nothing . . . 317

Chap. H. — How William the Testy undertook to
conquer by proclamation — How he was a
great man abroad, but a little man in his
own house ....... 326

IFllustrattons

PAG 3
Frontispiece

WII.I<IAM THE TESTY
SUNNYSIDE .

THE AUTHOR

AND THAT A GREAT DRAGON OCCASIONAEE’i

SWALLOWS UP THE MOON

PROFESSOR VON PODDINGCOFT

THE GREAT EGG OF NIGHT

THE GOOD DAME OF NARBONNE IN FRANCE

“mount astride of his tail, and away he

GALLOPS IN TRIUMPH ’’

FOHI THE HISTORIAN

HANS DE LAET

SAVAGES TO EXTERMINATE

THE people of north AMERICA ACCORDING TO

PETRI

AS WHITE BEARS CRUISE ABOUT THE NORTH

IT IS VAIN TO OFFER THEM MONEY ; THEY SA\

THEY ARE NOT HUNGRY

THEY INTRODUCED AMONG THEM RUM, GIN

AND BRANDY

Illlustrations

THE SPANISH HAD THE RIGHT BY GUN

POWDER

THE HEADEESS MEN OF THE MOON VISIT US

“WHO rideth on the great bear and USETH
THE SUN AS A EOOKING-GEASS ” .

MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER TAKES A BIRD’S-EYE

VIEW FROM THE TOP OF A WINDMILE

HENDRICK HUDSON

EVERY MAN WAS AEEOWED TO SEEEP AT HIS

POST uneess the wind beew

A RED MAN CROWNED WITH FEATHERS ISSUED

FROM ONE OF THE GEENS

“THEY ONE AND AEE TOOK TO THEIR HEEES,
AND SCAMPERED OVER THE BERGEN HIEES ”
THE broad-mouthed DAUGHTER OF THE DUTCH

MADE THEM DRUNK WITH TRUE HOEEANDS

THE OFFICIAE WEIGHT

OEOFFE VAN KORTEANDT

TOUGH breeches

THEY BADE FAREWEEE TO THE

GAZING

THRONG UPON THE BEACH ”

A SHOAE OF JOEEY PORPOISES CAME ROEEING

AND TUMBEING BY ”

AND TURNING AWAY HIS HEAD, FIRED IT MOST
INTREPIDEY IN THE FACE OF THE BEESSED

AEONG THOSE SHORES

Illlustrations

“and anon they vSEEMED sinking into yawn-
ing guefs”

THE DEVIE SITTING astride OF THE HOG’S BACK

AND PEAYING ON A FIDDEE

TEN BROECK DRYING HIS BREECHES

IN DIM obscurity HE SAW SHADOWED OUT

PAEACES AND DOMES AND EOFTY SPIRES

MASTER JUET

MYNHEER TEN BROECK AS A EAND SURVEYOR

THE ARGUMENT

COOEING THE ARDOR OF THE ENEMY

HANS REINER OOTHOUT

SET eight-minded hearers in a roar

WOUTER VAN TWIEEER

THE JUDGMENT OF WOUTER VAN TWIEEER
THE FIVE BURGERMEESTERS
WEEE-FED AND ROBUSTIOUS BURGHER

here woued he smoke his pipe of a suetry

AFTERNOON

THE GOOD ST. NICHOEAS

A COUNTRY MANSION

SOME OED CRONE OF A NEGRO

TOOK EEAVE OF THEM WITH A HEARTY SMACK

AT THE DOOR

A VOEUMINOUS DAMSEE, ARRAYED IN A DOZEN
OF PETTICOATS ” ......

1Illustration6

THE YOUNG GAEEANT

KIEEIAN VAN RENSEEUAER

THE BATTERY

“ SCAMPERING FROM THE STORM ” .

THE YANKEE’S SATURDAY’S DINNER OF DUMB

TARRED AND FEATHERED

THE HORRIBLE MELODIES OF SOME AMATEUR

WHO CHOOSES TO SERENADE THE MOON

“BRISK, LIKELY, PLEASANT-TONGUED VARLETS”

JACOBUS VAN CURLET

THE PROTEST OF JACOBUS VAN CURLET
“ HE PROCEEDED ON A LONG SWING-TROT
THROUGH THE MUDDY LANES ” .

THE POET AND HISTORIAN

WILLIAM THE TESTY

THE GREAT SEAL OF THE PROVINCE

KIDNAPPING HOGS

THE whole GARRISON OF FORT GOED HOOP

STRAGGLING INTO TOWN ALL TATTERED AND

WAYWORN

ANTHONY THE TRUMPETER ....
WILLIAM THE testy’s CURE FOR VAGRANCY
STOFFEL BRINKERHOFF ....

IRotices

WHICH APPEARED IN THE NEWSPAPERvS
PREVIOUS TO THE PUBLICATION
OF THIS WORK.

From the Evening Post of October 26, i8og.

Left his lodgings, some time since, and has not since
been heard of, a small elderly gentleman, dressed in
an old black coat and cocked hat, by the name of
Knickerbocker. As there are some reasons for believ-
ing he is not entirely in his right mind, and as great
anxiety is entertained about him, any information
concerning him left either at the Columbian Hotel,
Mulberry Street, or at the office of this paper, will be
thankfully received.

P. S. — Printers of newspapers would be aiding the
cause of humanity in giving an insertion to the above.

From the same, November 6, i8og.

To the Editor of the Evening Post :

Sir, — Having read in your paper of the 26th Octo-
ber last, a paragraph respecting an old gentleman by

XVI

IRolices

the name of Knickerbocker, who was missing from his
lodgings ; if it would be any relief to his friends, or
furnish them with any clue to discover where he is,
you may inform them that a person answering the
description given, was seen by the passengers of the
Albany stage, early in the morning, about four or five
weeks since, resting himself by the side of the road, a
little above King’s Bridge. He had in his hand a
small bundle, tied in a red bandana handkerchief ; he
appeared to be travelling northward, and was very
much fatigued and exhausted.

A TRAVELLER.

From the same, November i6, i8og.

To the Editor of the Evening Post :

Sir, — You have been good enough to publish in
your paper a paragraph about Mr. Diedrich Knicker-
bocker, who was missing so strangely some time since.
Nothing satisfactory has been heard of the old gentle-
man since ; but a very curious kind of a writte7t book
has been found in his room, in his own handwriting.
Now I wish you to notice him, if he is still alive, that
if he does not return and pay off his bill for boarding
and lodging, I shall have to dispose of his book to
satisfy me for the same.

I am, sir, your humble servant,

SETH HANDASIDE,

Landlord of the Independent Columbian Hotel,

Mulberry Street.

IRotices

From the same, November 28, i8og.
IvlTBRARY NOTICE.

Inskeep & Bradford have in press, and will shortly
publish,

A HISTORY OF NEW YORK,

In two volumes, duodecimo. Price Three Dollars.

Containing an account of its discovery and settlement,
with its internal policies, manners, customs, wars,
&c., &c., under the Dutch government, furnishing
many curious and interesting particulars never before
published, and which are gathered from various
manuscript and other authenticated sources, the
whole being interspersed with philosophical specula-
tions and moral precepts.

This work was found in the chamber of Mr. Diedrich
Knickerbocker, the old gentleman whose sudden and
mysterious disappearance has been noticed. It is
published in order to discharge certain debts he has
left behind.

6UNNYSIDE.

A HISTORY OF NEW YORK

Itbe autbor’s apology

B" HE following work, in which,
at the outset, nothing more
was contemplated than a
temporary jeu d' esprit^ was
' commenced in company with

my brother, the late Peter

Irving, Ksq. Our idea was, to parody a small
handbook which had recently appeared, en-
titled A Picture of New York. Like that, our
work was to begin with an historical sketch ;
to be followed by notices of the customs,
manners, and institutions of the city ; writ-

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B 1bi6tors of IWcw lorl?

ten in a serio-comic vein, and treating local
errors, follies, and abuses with good-humored
satire.

To burlesque the pedantic lore displayed in
certain American works, our historical sketch
was to commence with the creation of the
world ; and we laid all kinds of works under
contribution for trite citations, relevant, or
irrelevant, to give it the proper air of learned
research. Before this crude mass of mock
erudition could be digested into form, my
brother departed for Europe, and I was left
to prosecute the enterprise alone.

I now altered the plan of the work. Dis-
carding all idea of a parody on the Picture
of New York I determined that what had
been originally intended as an introductory
sketch, should comprise the whole work, and
form a comic history of the city. I accord-
ingly moulded the mass of citations and dis-
quisitions into introductory chapters, forming
the first book ; but it soon became evident to
me, that, like Robinson Crusoe with his boat,
I had begun on too large a scale, and that, to
launch my history successfully, I must reduce
its proportions. I accordingly resolved to con-
fine it to the period of the Dutch domination,
which, in its rise, progress, and decline, pre-
sented that unity of subject required by classic

II w

rule. It was a period, also, at that time al-
most a ^erra incognita in history. In fact, I
was surprised to find how few of my fellow-
citizens were aware that New York had ever
been called New Amsterdam, or had heard of
the names of its early Dutch governors, or
cared a straw about their ancient Dutch pro-
genitors.

This, then, broke upon me as the poetic age
of our city ; poetic from its very obscurity ; and
open, like the early and obscure days of an-
cient Rome, to all the embellishments of heroic
fiction. I hailed my native city, as fortunate
above all other American cities, in having an
antiquity thus extending back into the regions
of doubt and fable ; neither did I conceive I
was committing any grievous historical sin in
helping out the few facts I could collect in this
remote and forgotten region with figments of
my own brain, or in giving characteristic attri-
butes to the few names connected with it which
I might dig up from oblivion.

In this, doubtless, I reasoned like a young
and inexperienced writer, besotted with his
own fancies ; and my presumptuous trespasses
into this sacred, though neglected region of
history have met with deserved rebuke from
men of soberer minds. It is too late, however,
to recall the shaft thus rashly launched. To

/( i'

^Tbe Butbor's Bpolog^

In this I have reason to believe I have in
some measure succeeded. Before the appear-
ance of my work the popular traditions of our
city were unrecorded ; the peculiar and racy
customs and usages derived from our Dutch
progenitors were unnoticed or regarded with
indifference, or adverted to with a sneer. Now
they form a convivial currency, and are brought
forward on all occasions ; they link our whole
community together in good-humor and good
fellowship ; they are the rallying points of
home feeling, the seasoning of our civic festivi-
ties, the staple of local tales and local pleasant-
ries, and are so harped upon by our writers of
popular fiction, that I find myself almost
crowded off the legendary ground which I
was the first to explore, by the host who have
followed in my footsteps.

I dwell on this head, because, at the first
appearance of my work, its aim and drift were
misapprehended by some of the descendants of
the Dutch worthies ; and because I understand
that now and then one may still be found to
regard it with a captious eye. The far greater
part, however, I have reason to flatter mj^self,
receive my good-humored picturings in the
same temper in which they were executed ;
and when I find, after a lapse of nearly forty
years, this hap-hazard production of my youth

B 1bl6tor^ ot IRew l^ork

still cherished among them, — when I find its
very name become a “household word” and
used to give the home stamp to everything
recommended for popular acceptation, such as
Knickerbocker societies, Knickerbocker insur-
ance companies, Knickerbocker steamboats,
Knickerbocker omnibuses, Knickerbocker
bread, and Knickerbocker ice, — and when I
find New Yorkers of Dutch descent priding
themselves upon being “genuine Knicker-
bockers,”— I please myself with the persuasion
that I have struck the right chord ; that my
dealings with the good old Dutch times, and
the customs and usages derived from them, are
in harmony with the feelings and humors of
my townsmen ; that I have opened a vein of
pleasant associations and quaint characteristics
peculiar to my native place, and which its in-
habitants will not willingly suffer to pass away ;
and that, though other histories of New York
may appear of higher claims to learned accep-
tation, and may take their dignified and
appropriate rank in the family library, Knick-
erbocker’s history will still be received with
good-humored indulgence, and be thumbed
and chuckled over by the family fireside.

W. I.

SUNNYSIDE, 1848.

V

Hccount of tbe Hutbor

T was some time, if I
recollect right, in the
early part of the au-
tumn of 1808, that a
stranger applied for
lodgings at the Inde-
pendent Columbian Ho-
tel in Mulberry Street,
of which I am landlord.
He was a small, brisk-looking old gentleman,
dressed in a rusty black coat, a pair of olive
velvet breeches, and a small cocked hat. He
had a few gray hairs plaited and clubbed
behind, and his beard seemed to be of some
eight-and- forty hours’ growth. The only piece
of finery which he bore about him was a
bright pair of square silver shoe-buckles ; and
all his baggage was contained in a pair of
saddle-bags, which he carried under his arm.
His whole appearance was something out of
the common run ; and my wife, who is a very

SetK HarvdaS'tif .

%

3"

B 1f3i6toi-^ of Bevv lork

shrewd body, at once set him down for some
eminent country schoolmaster.

As the Independent Columbian Hotel is a
very small house, I w^as a little puzzled at first
wdiere to put him ; but my wife, who seemed
taken with his looks, w^ould needs put him in
her best chamber, which is genteelly set off
with the profiles of the whole family, done in
black, b}" those two great painter^^, Jarvis and
Wood ; and commands a very pleasant view of
the new grounds on the Collect, together with
the rear of the Poor-House and Bridewell, and
a full front of the Hospital ; so that it is the
cheerfulest room in the whole house.

During the whole time that he stayed with
us, we found him a very worth}- good sort
of an old gentleman, though a little queer
in his ways. He would keep in his room for
days together, and if an}- of the children
cried, or made a noise about his door, he
would bounce out in a great passion, with
his hands full of papers, and say something
about “deranging his ideas”; which made
my wife believe sometimes that he was not
altogether co^npos. Indeed, there was more
than one reason to make her think so, for his
room was always covered with scraps of paper
and old mouldy books, lying about at sixes
and sevens, which he would never let anybody

Ci

'V.

7

3

lo B 1bi6tor^ of IRew l^ork

touch ; for he said he had laid them all away
in their proper places, so that he might know
where to find them ; though for that matter,
he was half his time worrying about the house
in search of some book or writing which he
had carefully put out of the way. I shall
never forget what a pother he once made,
because my wife cleaned out his room w^hen
his back was turned, and put everything to
rights ; for he swore he would never be able
to get his papers in order again in a twelve-
month. Upon this, my wife ventured to ask
him what he did with so many books and
papers ; and he told her that he was ‘ ‘ seek-
ing for immortality ’ ’ ; which made her think
more than ever that the poor old gentleman’s
head was a little cracked.

He was a very inquisitive body, and when
not in his room, was continually poking about
town, hearing all the news, and prying into
everything that was goin^ on : this was par-
ticularly the case about election time, when he
did nothing but bustle about from poll to poll,
attending all ward meetings, and committee
rooms ; though I could never find that he
took part with either side of the question.
On the contrary, he would come home and rail
at both parties with great wrath, — and plainly
proved one day, to the satisfaction of my wife

I

Bccount of tbe Butbor

II

(r

and three old ladies who were drinking tea
with her, that the two parties were like two
rogues, each tugging at a skirt of the nation ;
and that in the end they would tear the very
coat off its back, and expose its nakedness.
Indeed, he was an oracle among the neigh-
bors, who would collect around him to hear
him talk of an afternoon, as he smoked his
pipe on the bench before the door ; and I
really believe he would have brought over the
whole neighborhood to his own side of the
question, if they could ever have found out
what it was.

He was very much given to argue, or, as
he called it, philosophize^ about the most tri-
fling matter ; and to do him justice, I never
knew anybody that was a match for him,
except it was a grave-looking old gentleman
who called now and then to see him, and often
posed him in an argument. But this is noth-
ing surprising, as I have since found out this
stranger is the city librarian ; who, of course,
must be a man of great learning : and I have
my doubts if he had not some hand in the
following history.

As our lodger had been a long time with us,
and we had never received any pay, m}^ wife
began to be somewhat uneasy, and curious to
find out who and what he was. She accord-

IV V

ingly made bold to put the question to his
friend, the librarian, who replied in his dry
way that he was one of the literati^ which she
supposed to mean some new party in politics.
I scorn to push a lodger for his pay ; so I let
da}^ after day pass on without dunning the old
gentleman for a farthing : but my wife, who
always takes these matters on herself, and is,
as I said, a shrewd kind of a woman, at last got
out of patience, and hinted that she thought
it high time ‘ ‘ some people should have a
sight of some people’s money.” To which
the old gentleman replied, in a might}^ touchy
manner, that she need not make herself un-
easy, for that he had a treasure there (point-
ing to his saddle-bags) worth her whole house
put together. This was the only answer we
could ever get from him ; and as my wife, by
some of those odd ways in which women find
out everjdhing, learnt that he was of very
great connections, being related to the Knick-
erbockers of Schaghtikoke, and cousin-german
to the congressman of that name, she did not
like to treat him uncivilly. What is more, she
even offered, merely by way of making things
easy, to let him live scot-free, if he would
teach the children their letters ; and to try her
best and get her neighbors to send their chil-
dren also : but the old gentleman took it in

Bccount of tbe Butbor

13

such dudgeon, and seemed so affronted at j
being taken for a schoolmaster, that she never
dared to speak on the subject again. i

About two months ago he went out of a
morning, with a bundle in his hand, and has
never been heard of since. All kinds of in-
quiries were made after him, but in vain. I
wrote to his relations at Schaghtikoke, but they
sent for answer, that he had not been there
since the year before last, when he had a great
dispute with the congressman about politics,
and left the place in a huff, and they had nei-
ther heard nor seen anything of him from that
time to this. I must own I felt very much
worried about the poor old gentleman, for I
thought something bad must have happened
to him, that he should be missing so long, and I
never return to pay his bill. I therefore ad-
vertised him in the newspapers, and though my
melancholy advertisement was published by
several humane printers, yet I have never been
able to learn anything satisfactory about him.

My wife now said it was high time to take
care of ourselves, and see if he had left any-
thing behind in his room, that would pay us
for his board and lodging. We found nothing, I
however, but some old books and musty writ-
ings, and his saddle-bags ; which, being opened
in the presence of the librarian, contained only

14 B Ibistor^ of IRcw HJork

a few articles of worn-out clothes, and a large
bundle of blotted paper. On looking over this,
the librarian told us he had no doubt it was the
treasure which the old gentleman had spoken
about ; as it proved to be a most excellent and
faithful History of Nfw York, which he
advised us by all means to publish, assuring us
that it would be so eagerly bought up by a dis-
cerning public, that he had no doubt it would
be enough to pay our arrears ten times over.
Upon this we got a very learned schoolmaster,
who teaches our children, to prepare it for the
press, which he accordingly has done ; and has,
moreover, added to it a number of valuable
notes of his own.

This, therefore, is a true statement of my
reasons for having this work printed, without
waiting for the consent of the author ; and I
here declare, that, if he ever returns (though
I much fear some unhappy accident has befallen
him) I stand ready to account with him like a
true and honest man. Which is all at present.

From the public’s humble servant,

Sfth Handasidf.

Independent Columbian Hotel, New York.

The foregoing account of the author was pre-
fixed to the first edition of this work. Shortly
after its publication, a letter was received from

him, by Mr. Handaside, dated at a small Dutch
village on the banks of the Hudson, whither he
had travelled for the purpose of inspecting cer-
tain ancient records. As this was one of those
few and happy villages into which newspapers
never find their way, it is not a matter of sur-
prise that Mr. Knickerbocker should never
have seen the numerous advertisements that
were made concerning him, and that he should
learn of the publication of his history by mere
accident.

He expressed much concern at its prema-
ture appearance, as thereby he was prevented
from making several important corrections and
alterations, as well as from profiting by many
curious hints which he had collected during
his travels along the shores of the Tappan Sea,
and his sojourn at Haverstraw and Ksopus.

Finding that there was no longer any imme-
diate necessity for his return to New York, he
extended his journey up to the residence of his
relations at Schaghtikoke. On his way thither
he stopped for some days at Albany, for which
city he is known to have entertained a great
partiality. He found it, however, considerably
altered, and was much concerned at the inroads
and improvements which the Yankees were
making, and the consequent decline of the good
old Dutch manners. Indeed, he was informed

B of IRevv lork

that these intruders were making sad innova-
tions in all parts of the State ; where they had
given great trouble and vexation to the regular
Dutch settlers by the introduction of turnpike-
gates, and country school-houses. It is said,
also, that Mr. Knickerbocker shook his head
sorrowfully at noticing the gradual decay of
the great Vander Heyden palace ; but was
highly indignant at finding that the ancient
Dutch church, which stood in the middle of the
street, had been pulled down since his last visit.

The fame of Mr. Knickerbocker’s history
having reached even to Albany, he received
much flattering attention from its worthy burgh-
ers, some of whom, however, pointed out two
or three very great errors he had fallen into,
particularly that of suspending a lump of sugar
over the Albany tea-tables, which, they assured
him, had been discontinued for some years past.
Several families, moreover, were somewhat
piqued that their ancestors had not been men-
tioned in his work, and showed great jealousy
of their neighbors who had thus been distin-
guished ; while the latter, it must be confessed,
plumed themselves vastly thereupon ; consid-
ering these recordings in the light of letters-
patent of nobility, establishing their claims to
ancestry, — which, in this republican countiyq
is a matter of no little solicitude and vainglory.

U

ri

It is also said, that he enjoyed high favor and
countenance from the governor, who once
asked him to dinner, and was seen two or three
times to shake hands with him, when they
met in the streets ; which certainly was going
great lengths, considering that they differed in
politics. Indeed, certain of the governor’s
confidential friends, to whom he could venture
to speak his mind freely on such matters, have
assured us, that he privately entertained a con-
siderable good will for our author, — nay, he
even once went so far as to declare, and that
openly too, and at his own table, j ust after din-
ner, that ‘ ‘ Knickerbocker was a very well-
meaning sort of an old gentleman, and no fool.”
From all which many have been led to suppose
that, had our author been of different politics,
and written for the newpapers instead of wast-
ing his talents on histories, he might have risen
to some post of honor and profit, — peradven-
ture, to be a notary-public, or even a justice in
the ten-pound court.

Beside the honors and civilities already men-
tioned, he was much caressed by the literati of
Albany ; particularly by Mr. John Cook, who
entertained him very hospitably at his circula-
ting library and reading-room, where they used
to drink Spa water, and talk about the ancients.
He found Mr. Cook a man after his own heart,

\

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B Ibistors of IRcw lork

— of great literary research, and a curious col-
lector of books. At parting, the latter, in tes-
timony of friendship, made him a present of
the two oldest works in his collection ; which
were the earliest edition of the Heidelberg Cat-
echism, and Adrian Vander Donck’s famous
account of the New Netherlands : by the last
of which, Mr. Knickerbocker profited greatly
in his second edition.

Having passed some time very agreeably at
Albany, our author proceeded to Schaghti-
koke, where, it is but justice to say, he was
received with open arms, and treated with won-
derful loving-kindness. He was much looked
up to by the family, being the first historian
of the name ; and was considered almost as
great a man as his cousin the congressman, —
with whom, by the by, he became perfectly
reconciled, and contracted a strong friendship.

In spite, however, of the kindness of his
relations and their great attention to his com-
forts, the old gentleman soon became restless
and discontented. His history being pub-
lished, he had no longer any business to
occupy his thoughts, or any scheme to excite
his hopes and anticipations. This, to a busy
mind like his, was a truly deplorable situation ;
and, had he not been a man of inflexible morals
and regular habits, there would have been

\i

Bccount of tbe Butbor

19

great danger of his taking to politics, or drink-
ing,— ^botli which pernicious vices we daily
see men driven to by mere spleen and idle-
ness.

It is true, he sometimes employed himself
in preparing a second edition of his history,
wherein he endeavored to correct and improve
many passages with which he was dissatisfied,
and to rectify some mistakes that had crept
into it ; for he was particularly anxious that
his work should be noted for its authenticity ;
which, indeed, is the very life and soul of
history. But the glow of composition had
departed, — he had to leave many places
untouched, which he would fain have altered ;
and even where he did make alterations, he
seemed always in doubt whether they were
for the better or the worse.

After a residence of some time at Schaghti-
koke, he began to feel a strong desire to return
to New York, which he ever regarded with
the warmest affection ; not merely because it
was his native city, but because he really con-
sidered it the very best city in the whole world.
On his return, he entered into the full enjoy-
ment of the advantages of a literary reputation.
He was continually importuned to write ad-
vertisements, petitions, handbills, and produc-
tions of similar import ; and, although he never

V

%

meddled with the public papers, yet had he
the credit of writing innumerable essays, and
smart things, that appeared on all subjects, and
all sides of the question ; in all which he was
clearly detected “ by his style.”

He contracted, moreover, a considerable debt
at the post-office, in consequence of the. nu-
merous letters he received from authors and
printers soliciting his subscription, and he
was applied to by every charitable society for
yearly donations, which he gave very cheer-
fully, considering these applications as so many
compliments. He was once invited to a great
corporation dinner ; and was even twice sum-
moned to attend as a juryman at the court of
quarter sessions. Indeed, so renowned did he
become, that he could no longer pry about, as
formerly, in all holes and corners of the city,
according to the bent of his humor, unnoticed
and uninterrupted ; but several times when he
has been sauntering the streets, on his usual
rambles of observation, equipped with his cane
and cocked hat, the little boys at play have
been known to cry, “ There goes Diedrich ! ”
at which the old gentleman seemed not a little
pleased, looking upon these salutations in the
light of the praise of posterity.

In a word, if we take into consideration all
these various honors and distinctions, to-

.0!

gether with an exuberant eulogium passed on
him in the Port Folio, (with which, we are
told, the old gentleman was so much over-
powered, that he was sick for two or three
days) it must be confessed, that few authors
have ever lived to receive such illustrious
rewards, or have so completely enjoyed in
advance their own immortality.

After his return from Schaghtikoke, Mr.
Knickerbocker took up his residence at a
little rural retreat, which the Stuyvesants had
granted him on the family domain, in gratitude
for his honorable mention of their ancestor.
It was pleasantly situated on the borders of
one of the salt marshes beyond Corlear’s
Hook ; subject, indeed, to be occasionally
overflowed, and much infested, in the summer
time, with mosquitoes ; but otherwise very
agreeable, producing abundant crops of salt
grass and bulrushes.

Here, we are sorry to say, the good old gen-
tleman fell dangerously ill of a fever, occa-
sioned by the neighboring marshes. When
he found his end approaching, he disposed of
his worldl}^ affairs, leaving the bulk of his
fortune to the New York Historical Society ;
his Heidelberg Catechism and Vander Donck’s
work to the city library ; and his saddle-bags
to Mr. Handaside. He forgave all his ene-

9

B 1bi6tor^ of IRevv lorl?

mies, — that is to say, all who bore any enmity
towards him ; for as to himself, he declared he
died in good will with all the world. And,
after dictating several kind messages to his
relations at Schaghtikoke, as well as to several
of our most substantial Dutch citizens, he ex-
pired in the arms of his friend, the librarian.

His remains were interred, according to his
own request, in St. Mark’s churchyard, close
by the bones of his favorite hero, Peter Stuy-
vesant ; and it is rumored that the Historical
Society have it in mind to erect a wooden
monument to his memory in the Bowling
Green.

24

21 1bi6tor^ of IRew l^ork

thought I, and those reverend Dutch burghers,
who serve as the tottering monuments of good
old times, will be gathered to their fathers ;
their children, engrossed b}- the empty pleas-
ures or insignificant transactions of the present
age, will neglect to treasure up the recollec-
tions of the past, and posterity will search in
vain for memorials of the da3'’s of the Patri-
archs. The origin of our city will be buried
in eternal oblivion, and even the names and
achievements of Wouter \"an Twiller, William
Kieft, and Peter Stu^^vesant, be enveloped in
doubt and fiction, like those of Romulus and
Remus, of Charlemagne, King Arthur, Ri-
naldo, and Godfrey- of Bologne.

Determined, therefore, to avert if possible
this threatened misfortune, I industriousl}'' set
m^’self to work, to gather together all the
fragments of our infant history" which still
existed, and like my reverend prototype,
Herodotus, where no written records could
be found, I have endeavored to continue the
chain of history b}" well-authenticated tra-
ditions.

In this arduous undertaking, which has
been the whole business of a long and solitary
life, it is incredible the number of learned
authors I have consulted ; and all but to little
purpose. Strange as it ma}^ seem, though

Ci

V

.2h

uA...

such multitudes of excellent works have been
written about this country, there are none
extant which give any full and satisfactoiy^
account of the early history of New York, or
of its three first Dutch governors. I have,
however, gained much valuable and curious
matter, from an elaborate manuscript written
in exceeding pure and classic Low Dutch, ex-
cepting a few errors in orthography, which
was found in the archives of the Stuyvesant
family. Many legends, letters, and other
documents have I likewise gleaned, in my re-
searches among the family chests and lumber-
garrets of our respectable Dutch citizens ; and
I have gathered a host of well-authenticated
traditions from divers excellent old ladies of
my acquaintance, who requested that their
names might not be mentioned. Nor must I
neglect to mention how greatly I have been
assisted by that admirable and praiseworthy
institution, the New York Historical Society,
to which I here publicly return my sincere
acknowledgments .

In the conduct of this inestimable work I
have adopted no individual model ; but, on the
contrary, have simply contented myself with
combining and concentrating the excellences
of the most approved ancient historians. Like
Xenophon, I have maintained the utmost

.0^

26

B 1bi6tori5 ot IKlew l^ork

impartiality, and the strictest adherence to
truth throughout my history. I have enriched
it after the manner of Sallust with various
characters of ancient worthies, drawn at full
length, and faithfully colored. I have sea-
soned it with profound political speculations
like Thucydides, sweetened it with the graces
of sentiment like Tacitus, and infused into the
whole the dignity, the grandeur, and magnifi-
cence of Livy.

I am aware that I shall incur the censure of
numerous very learned and judicious critics,
for indulging too frequently in the bold excur-
sive manner of my favorite Herodotus. And
to be candid, I have found it impossible always
to resist the allurements of those pleasing epi-
sodes which, like flowery banks and fragrant
bowers, beset the dusty road of the historian,
and entice him to turn aside, and refresh him-
self from his wayfaring. But I trust it will be
found that I have always resumed my staff,
and addressed myself to my weary journey with
renovated spirits, so that both my readers and
myself have been benefited by the relaxation.

Indeed, though it has been my constant wish
and uniform endeavor to rival Polybius him-
self, in observdng the requisite unity of history,
yet the loose and unconnected manner in which
many of the facts herein recorded have come to

V

S' '-9

^To tbe {public

27

hand, rendered such an attempt extremely
difficult. This difficulty was likewise increased
by one of the grand objects contemplated in
my work, which was to trace the rise of sundry
customs and institutions in this best of cities,
and to compare them, when in the germ of
infancy, with what they are in the present old
age of knowledge and improvement.

But the chief merit on which I value myself,
and found my hopes for future regard, is that
faithful veracity with which I have compiled
this invaluable little work ; carefully winnow-
ing away the chaff of hypothesis, and dis-
carding the tares of fable, which are too apt to
spring up and choke the seeds of truth and
wholesome knowledge. Had I been anxious
to captivate the superficial throng, who skim
like swallows over the surface of literature ; or
had I been anxious to commend m3' writings
to the pampered palates of literary epicures, I
might have availed myself of the obscurity
that overshadows the infant years of our city,
to introduce a thousand pleasing fictions. But
I have scrupulously discarded many a pithy
tale and marvellous adventure, whereby the
drowsy ear of summer indolence might be
enthralled ; jealously maintaining that fidelity,
gravity, and dignity, which should ever dis-
tinguish the historian. “ For a writer of this

28

B 1bi6tori5 ot IRew l!)ork

class, ’ ’ observes an elegant critic, ‘ ‘ must sustain
the character of a wise man, writing for the
instruction of posterit}^ ; one who has studied
to inform himself well, who has pondered his
subject with care, and addresses himself to
our judgment, rather than to our imagination.”

Thrice happy, therefore, is this our renowned
city in having incidents worthy of swelling
the theme of history ; and doubly thrice happy
is it in. having such an historian as m^^self to
relate them. For after all, gentle reader, cities
of themselves^ and, in fact, empires of themselves,
are nothing without an historian. It is the
patient narrator who records their prosperity
as they rise, — who blazons forth the splendor
of their noon-tide meridian, — who props their
feeble memorials as they totter to decay, — who
gathers together their scattered fragments as
they rot, — and who piously, at length, collects
their ashes into the mausoleum of his work
and rears a monument that will transmit their
renown to all succeeding ages.

What has been the fate of many fair cities
of antiquity, whose nameless ruins encumber
the plains of Europe and Asia, and awaken the
fruitless inquiry of the traveller ? They have
sunk into dust and silence, — they have per-
ished from remembrance for want of an his-
torian ! The philanthropist ma}^ weep over

lC

(A

\]

Zo tbc ipubUc

29

their desolation, — the poet may wander among
their mouldering arches and broken columns,
and indulge the visionary flights of his fancy,
— but, alas ! alas ! the modern historian, whose
pen, like my own, is doomed to confine itself
to dull matter-of-fact, seeks in vain among
their oblivious remains for some memorial that
may tell the instructive tale of their glory and
their ruin.

“Wars, conflagrations, deluges,” says Aris-
totle, ‘ ‘ destroy nations, and with them all
their monuments, their discoveries, and their
vanities. The torch of science has more than
once been extinguished and rekindled ; — a few
individuals, who have escaped by accident,
reunite the thread of generations.”

The same sad misfortune which has hap-
pened to so many ancient cities will happen
again, and from the same sad cause, to nine
tenths of those which now flourish on the face of
the globe. With the most of them the time for
recording their early history is gone by ; their
origin, their foundation, together with the
eventful period of their youth, are forever
buried in the rubbish of years ; and the same
would have been the case with this fair portion
of the earth, if I had not snatched it from
obscurity in the very nick of time, at the mo-
ment that those matters herein recorded were

V

30

B 1bi0tori5 of IRew lorft

about entering into the wide-spread, insatiable
maw of oblivion, — if I had not dragged them
out, as it were, by the very locks, just as the
monster’s adamantine fangs were closing upon
them forever ! And here have I, as before
observed, carefully collected, collated, and ar-
ranged them, scrip and scrap, '' punt en punt^
gat en gat, ’ ’ and commenced in this little work
a history, to serve as a foundation on which
other historians may hereafter raise a noble
superstructure, swelling in process of time,
until Knickerbocker’s New York n\2iy be equally
voluminous with Gibbon’s Rome, or Hume and
Smollett’s England !

And now indulge me for a moment, while
I lay down my pen, skip to some little emi-
nence at the distance of two or three hundred
years ahead ; and, casting back a bird’s-eye
glance over the waste of years that is to roll
between, discover myself — little I — at this mo-
ment the progenitor, prototype, and precursor
of them all, posted at the head of this host of
literary worthies, with my book under my arm,
and New York on my back, pressing forward,
like a gallant commander, to honor and im-
mortality.

Such are the vainglorious imaginings that
will now and then enter into the brain of the
author, — that irradiate, as with celestial light.

V

^To the public

his solitary chamber, cheering his weary
spirits, and animating him to persevere in his
labors. And I have freely given utterance to
these rhapsodies whenever they have occurred ;
not, I trust, from an unusual spirit of egotism,
but merely that the reader may for once have
an idea how an author thinks and feels while
he is writing, — a kind of knowledge very rare
and curious, and much to be desired.

\ ^ 6/f

/»= —

^AAi

CONTAINING DIVEHS INGENIOUS THEORIES AND
PHILOSOPHIC SPECULATIONS CONCERNING THE
CREATION AND POPULATION OF THE WORLD, AS
CONNECTED WITH THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK.

Cbapter IT

DESCRIPTION OE THE WORLD.

CCORDING to the best authori-
ties, the world in which we dwell
\ is a huge, opaque, reflect-

W ing, inanimate mass, float-

^ % ing in the vast ethereal

ocean of infinite space. It
has the form of an orange, being an oblate
spheroid, curiously fiattened at opposite parts,
for the insertion of two imaginary poles, which
are supposed to penetrate and unite at the
centre, thus forming an axis on which the
mighty orange turns with a regular diurnal
revolution.

The transitions of light and darkness,
whence proceed the alternations of day and
night, are produced by this diurnal revolution
successively presenting the different parts of
the earth to the rays of the sun. The latter is,
according to the best, that is to say, the latest
accounts, a luminous or fiery body, of a pro-
digious magnitude, from which this world is

\

36

B Ibietor^ of IRevv l^ork

driven by a centrifugal or repelling power, and
to which it is drawn by a centripetal or attrac-
tive force ; otherwise called the attraction of
gravitation ; the combination, or rather the
counteraction of these two opposing impulses
producing a circular and annual revolution.
Hence result the different .seasons of the year,
viz. : spring, summer, autumn, and winter.

This I believe to be the most approved mod-
ern theory on the subject, — though there may be
many philosophers who have entertained very
different opinions ; some, too, of them entitled
to much deference from their great antiquity
and illustrious character. Thus it was ad-
vanced by some of the ancient sages, that the
earth was an extended plane, supported by
vast pillars ; and by others, that it rested on
the head of a snake, or the back of a huge
tortoise ; — but as they did not provide a rest-
ing-place for either the pillars or the tortoise,
the whole theory fell to the ground, for want
of proper foundation.

The Brahmins assert that the heavens rest
upon the earth, and the sun and moon swim
therein like fi.shes in the water, moving from
east to west by day, and gliding along the
edge of the horizon to their original stations
during the night ; * while, according to the
* Faria y Souza. Mick. Lus., note b. 7.

."V

rc-

38

B Ibietor^ of IRew lock

Pauranicas of India, it is a vast plain, encircled
by seven oceans of milk, nectar, and other
delicious liquids ; that it is studded with seven
mountains, and ornamented in the centre by a
mountainous rock of burnished gold ; and that
a great dragon occasionally swallows up the
moon, which accounts for the phenomena of
lunar eclipses.*

Beside these, and many other equally sage
opinions, we have the profound conjectures of
Aboul-Hassan-Aly, son of A1 Khan, son of
Aly, son of Abderrahman, .son of Abdallah,
son of Masoud-el-Hadheli who is commonly
called Masoudi, and surnamed Cothbiddin,
but who takes the humble title of Laheb-ar-
rasoul, which means the companion of the
ambassador of God. He has written a univer-
sal history, entitled Mouroudge-ed-dharab ^ or
the Golden Meadows, and the Mines of Precious
Stones, t In this valuable work he has re-
lated the history of the world from the creation
down to the moment of writing ; which was
under the Khaliphat of Mothi Billah, in the
month Dgioumadi-el-aoual of the 336th 3^ear
of the Hegira or flight of the Prophet. He
informs us that the earth is a huge bird, Mecca

* Sir W. Jones, Piss. Antiq. Ind. Zod.

t MSS. Bibliot. Roi Fr.

-3''

40

B Ibietors of IRew lork

tions.* But I give little attention to the doc-
trines of this philosopher, the people of Athens
having fully refuted them, by banishing him
from their city : a concise mode of answering
unwelcome doctrines, much resorted to in for-
mer days. Another sect of philosophers do
declare, that certain fiery particles exhale con-
stantly from the earth, which, concentrating in
a single point of the firmament by day, consti-
tute the sun, but being scattered and rambling
about in the dark at night, collect in various
points, and form stars. These are regularly
burnt out and extinguished, not unlike to the
lamps in our streets, and require a fresh supply
of exhalations for the next occasion, f

It is even recorded, that at certain remote
and obscure periods, in consequence of a great
scarcity of fuel, the sun has been completely
burnt out, and sometimes not rekindled for a
month at a time. A most melancholy cir-
cumstance, the very idea of which gave vast
concern to Heraclitus, that worthy weeping
philosopher of antiquity. In addition to these

* Diogenes Laetius in Anaxag., lib., ii., sec. 8. Plat.,
Apol., t. i., p. 26. Pint., De Plac. Phil. Xenoph.,
Mem.y lib. iv., p. 815.

t Aristot., Meteor., lib. ii., cap. 2. Idem, Probl., sec.
15, Stob., Eel. Phys., lib. i., p. 55. Brack., Hist.
Phil., t. i., p. 1154, etc.

profeseor lt)on ipoC>Dingcoft

41

various speculations, it was the opinion of
Herschel, that the sun is a magnificent, hab-
itable abode ; the light it furnishes arising
from certain empyreal, luminous or phosphoric
clouds, swimming in its transparent atmos-
phere. *

But we will not enter further at present into
the nature of the sun, that being an inquiry
not immediately necessary to the development
of this history ; neither will we embroil our-
selves in any more of the endless disputes of
philosophers touching the form of this globe,
but content ourselves with the theory advanced
in the beginning of this chapter, and will pro-
ceed to illustrate, by experiment, the complex-
ity of motion therein ascribed to this our
rotatory planet.

Professor Von Poddingcoft (or Puddinghead,
as the name may be rendered into English)
was long celebrated in the university of Ley-
den, for profound gravity of deportment, and
a talent at going to sleep in the midst of exami-
nations, to the infinite relief of his hopeful
students, who thereby worked their way
through college with great ease and little study.
In the course of one of his lectures, the learned
professor, seizing a bucket of water, swung it

* Philos. Trans., 1795, p. 72. Idem, 1801, p. 265.
Nich., Philos, yourn., i., p. 13.

42

B 1bl6tor^ of 1Rew l^orl?

around his head at arm’s length. The impulse
with which he threw the vessel from him,
being a centrifugal force, the retention of his
arm operating as a centripetal powder, and the
bucket, which was a substitute for the earth,
describing a circular orbit round about the
globular head and ruby visage of Professor
Von Poddingcoft, which formed no bad rep-
resentation of the sun. All of these particulars
were duly explained to the class of gaping
students around him. He apprised them,
moreover, that the same principle of gravita-
tion, which retained the water in the bucket,
restrains the ocean from flying from the earth
in its rapid revolutions ; and he further in-
formed them that should the motion of the
earth be suddenly checked, it would inconti-
nently fall into the sun, through the centripetal
force of gravitation, — a most ruinous event to
this planet, and one which would also obscure,
though it most probably would not extinguish,
the solar luminary. An unlucky stripling,
one of those vagrant geniuses, who seem sent
into the world merely to annoy worthy men of
the puddinghead order, desirous of ascertaining
the correctness of the experiment, suddenly
arrested the*arm of the professor, just at the
moment that the bucket was in its zenith,
which immediately descended with astonish-

H practical JEjpcriment

ing precision upon the philosophic head of the
instructor of youth. A hollow sound, and a
red-hot hiss, attended the contact ; but the
theory was in the amplest manner illustrated,
for the unfortunate bucket perished in the con-
flict ; but the blazing countenance of Professor
Von Poddingcoft emerged from amidst the

PROFESSOR VON PODDINGCOFT.

waters, glowing fiercer than ever with unutter-
able indignation, whereby the students were
marvellously edified, and departed consider-
ably wiser than before.

It is a mortifying circumstance, which
greatly perplexes many a painstaking philos-
opher, that nature often refuses to second his
most profound and elaborate efforts ; so that

44

B 1bi6tori5 of IRcw l^ork

after having invented one of the most ingenious
and natural theories imaginable, she will have
the perverseness to act directly in the teeth of
his system, and flatly contradict his most
favorite positions. This is a manifest and
unmerited grievance, since it throws the cen-
sure of the vulgar and unlearned entirely upon
the philosopher ; whereas the fault is not to be
ascribed to his theory, which is unquestionably
correct, but the waywardness of Dame Nature,
who, with the proverbial flckleness of her sex,
is continually indulging in coquetries and
caprices, and seems really to take pleasure in
violating all philosophic rules, and jilting the
most learned and indefatigable of her adorers.
Thus it happened with respect to the foregoing
satisfactory explanation of the motion of our
planet ; it appears that the centrifugal force has
long since ceased to operate, while its antagonist
remains in undiminished potency ; the world,
therefore, according to the theory as it origin-
ally stood, ought in strict propriety to tumble
into the sun ; philosophers were convinced
that it would do so, and awaited in anxious
impatience the fulfilment of their prognostics.
But the untoward planet pertinaciously con-
tinued her course, notwithstanding that she had
reason, philosophy, and a whole university of
learned professors opposed to her conduct.

hi

Zbc of tbe movib

45

The philosophers took this in very ill part, and
it is thought they would never have pardoned
the slight and affront which they conceived
put upon them by the world, had not a good-
natured professor kindly officiated as a mediator
between the parties, and effected a reconcilia-
tion.

Finding the world would not accommodate
itself to the theory, he wisely determined to
accommodate the theory to the world ; he there-
fore informed his brother philosophers, that
the circular motion of the earth round the sun
was no sooner engendered by the conflicting
impulses, above described, than it became a
regular revolution, independent of the causes
which gave it origin. His learned brethren
readily joined in the opinion, being heartily
glad of any explanation that would decently
extricate them from their embarrassment ; and
ever since that memorable era the world has
been left to take her own course, and to revolve
around the sun in such orbit as she thinks
proper.

Chapter 1I1F

COSMOGONY, OR CREATION OF THE WORED ; WITH A

multitude of excellent theories, by which

THE CREATION OF A WORLD IS SHOWN TO BE NO
SUCH difficult matter AS COMMON FOLK WOULD
IMAGINE.

S’ AVING thus briefly in-
troduced my reader to
the world, and given
him some idea of its
form and situation, he
will naturally be curious
to know from whence it
came, and how it was
created. And, indeed,
the clearing up of these
points is absolutely es-
sential to my history, inasmuch as if this world
had not been formed, it is more than probable
that this renowned island, on which is situated
the city of New York, would never have had
an existence. The regular course of my his-
tory, therefore, requires that I should proceed
to notice the cosmogony or formation of this
our globe.

Divers ^Tbeories

47

And now I give my readers fair warning
that I am about to plunge, for a chapter or
two, into as complete a labyrinth as ever his-
torian was perplexed withal ; therefore, I advise
them to take fast hold of my skirts, and keep
close at my heels, venturing neither to the
right hand nor to the left, lest they get bemired
in a slough of unintelligible learning, or have
their brains knocked out by some of those hard
Greek names which will be flying about in all
directions. But should any of them be too
indolent or chicken-hearted to accompany me
in this perilous undertaking, they had better
take a short cut round, and wait for me at the
beginning of some smoother chapter.

Of the creation of the world, we have a
thousand contradictory accounts ; and though
a very satisfactory one is furnished us by
divine revelation, yet every philosopher feels
himself in honor bound to furnish us with a
better. As an impartial historian I consider it
my duty to notice their several theories, by
which mankind have been so exceedingly
edified and instructed.

Thus it was the opinion of certain ancient
sages, that the earth and the whole system of
the universe was the Deit)^ himself ; * a doc-
trine most strenuously maintained by Zeno-
* Aristot., Ap. Cic.y lib. i., cap. 3.

u

S)>-.

21 1[3istor^ ot IRew lorh

phanes and the whole tribe of Eleatics, as also
by Strabo and the sect of peripatetic philoso-
phers. Pythagoras likewise inculcated the
famous numerical system of the monad, dyad,
and triad, and by means of his sacred quater-
nary elucidated the formation of the world, the
arcana of nature, and the principles both of
music and morals.* Other sages adhered to
the mathematical system of squares and tri-
angles ; the cube, the pyramid, and the sphere ;
the tetrahedron, the octahedron, the icosahe-
dron, and the dodecahedron. f While others
advocated the great elementary theory which
refers the construction of our globe and all
that it contains to the combinations of four
material elements : air, earth, fire, and water,
with the assistance of a fifth, an immaterial
and vivifying principle.

Nor must I omit to mention the great atomic
system taught by old Moschus, before the
siege of Troy ; revived by Democritus of
laughing memory ; improved by Epicurus,
that king of good fellows, and modernized by
the fanciful Descartes. But I decline inquiring
whether the atoms, of which the earth is said

* Aristot., Meiaph., lib. i., cap. 5. Idem, De Coelo^
lib. iii., cap i. Rousseau, Mem. sur Musique Ancien^
p. 39. Plutarch, De Plac. Phil., lib. i., cap. 3.

fTim,, Locr. ap. Plato., t. iii., p. 90.

C'

to be composed, are eternal or recent ; whether
they are animate or inanimate ; whether, agree-
ably to the opinion of the atheists, they were
fortuitously aggregated, or, as the theists main-
tain, were arranged by a vSUpreme intelligence.*
Whether, in fact, the earth be an insensate
clod, or whether it be animated by a soul ; t
which opinion was strenuously maintained by
a host of philosophers, at the head of whom
stands the great Plato, that temperate sage,
who threw the cold water of philosophy on the
form of sexual intercourse, and inculcated the
doctrine of Platonic love, — an exquisitely re-
fined intercourse, but much better adapted to
the ideal inhabitants of his imaginary island
of Atlantis than to the sturdy race, composed
of rebellious flesh and blood, which populates
the little matter-of-fact island we inhabit.

Beside these systems, we have, moreover,
the poetical theogony of old Hesiod, who gen-
erated the whole universe in the regular mode
of procreation, and the plausible opinion of
others, that the earth was hatched from the

* Aristot., Nat. Auscult., lib. ii., cap. 6. Aristopb.,
Metaph.^ lib. i., cap. 3. Cic., De Nat. Dear., lib. i.,
cap. 10. Justin Mart., Prat, ad Gent., p. 20.

t Mosheim in Cudw., lib. i., cap. 4. Tim., De Anim.
Mund. sp. Plat., lib. iii. Mem. de PAcad. des Belles-
Lettr. , t. xxxii., p. 19, et al.

VOL. I. — 4

9

50

B 1bi6tors of IRevv l^orh

great egg of night, which floated in chaos, and
was cracked by the horns of the celestial bull.
To illustrate this last doctrine, Burnet, in his
theory of the earth,* has favored us with an
accurate drawing and description, both of
the form and texture of this mundane egg ;
which is found to bear a marvellous resem-
blance to that of a goose. Such of my readers
as take a proper interest in the origin of this
our planet, will be pleased to learn that the
most profound sages of antiquity among the
Egyptians, Chaldeans, Persians, Greeks, and
Latins, have alternately assisted at the hatch-
ing of this strange bird, and that their cacklings
have been caught, and continued in different
tones and inflections, from philosopher to
philosopher, unto the present day.

But while briefly noticing long celebrated
systems of ancient sages, let me not pass over
with neglect those of other philosophers ;
which, though less universal and renowned,
have equal claims to attention, and equal
chance for correctness. Thus, it is recorded
by the Brahmins, in the pages of their inspired
Shastah, that the angel Bistnoo, transforming
himself into a great boar, plunged into the
watery abyss, and brought up the earth on his
tusks. Then issued from him a mighty tor-
* Book i., ch. 5.

V

2)ivcr0 ^Tbeories

toise, and a mighty snake ; and Bistnoo placed
the snake erect upon the back of the tortoise,
and he placed the earth upon the head of the
snake.*

The negro philosophers of Congo affirm that
the world was made by the hands of angels,
excepting their own country, which the Su-
preme Being constructed himself, that it
might be supremely excellent. And he took
great pains with
the inhabitants,
and made them
black and

very

beautiful ; and
when he had fin-
ished the first
man, he was well
pleased with him,
and smoothed him
over the face, and
hence his nose,
and the nose of
all his descend-
ants, became flat.

The Mohawk
philosophers tell
us that a pregnant woman fell down from
heaven, and that a tortoise took her upon its
* Hoi well, Gent. Philosophy.

THE GREAT EGG OF NIGHT.

r'

\

52

B 1bi6tor^ of IWcvv

back, because every place was covered with
water ; and that the woman, sitting upon the
tortoise, paddled with her hands in the water,
and raked up the earth, whence it finally
happened that the earth became higher than
the water.*

But I forbear to quote a number more of
these ancient and outlandish philosophers,
whose deplorable ignorance, in despite of all
their erudition, compelled them to write in
languages which but few of my readers can
understand ; and I shall proceed briefly to
notice a few more intelligible and fashionable
theories of their modern successors.

And first I shall mention the great Buffon,
who conjectures that this globe was originally
a globe of liquid fire, scintillated from the body
of the sun, by the percussion of a comet, as a
spark is generated by the collision of flint
and steel. That at first it was surrounded
by gross vapors, which, cooling and con-
densing in process of time, constituted, ac-
cording to their densities, earth, water, and
air ; which gradually arranged themselves,
according to their respective gravities, round
the burning or vitrified mass that formed their
centre.

* Johannes Megapolensis, Jun.
quaas or Mohawk Indians.

Account of Ma-

Divers theories

Hutton, on the contrary, supposes that the
waters at first were universally paramount ;
and he terrifies himself with the idea that the
earth must be eventually washed away by the
force of rain, rivers, and mountain torrents,
until it is confounded with the ocean, or, in

THE GOOD DAME OF NARBONNE IN FRANCE.

other words, absolutely dissolves into itself.
Sublime idea ! far surpassing that of the ten-
der-hearted damsel of antiquity, who wept
herself into a fountain ; or the good dame of
Narbonne in France, who, for a volubility of
tongue unusual in her sex, was doomed to

i

54

B Ibietor^ ot 1Fle\v lork

peel five hundred thousand and thirty-nine
ropes of onions, and actually run out at her
eyes before half the hideous task was accom-
plished.

Whiston, the same ingenious philosopher
who rivalled Ditton in his researches after the
longitude (for w^hich the mischief-loving Swift
discharged on their heads a most savory
stanza) has distinguished himself by a very
admirable theory respecting the earth. He
conjectures that it was originally a chaotic
co7net^ which being selected for the abode of
man, was removed from its eccentric orbit, and
whirled round the sun in its present regular
motion ; by which change of direction, order
succeeded to confusion in the arrangement of
its component parts. The philosopher adds,
that the deluge was produced by an uncour-
teous salute from the wateiy^ tail of another
comet ; doubtless through sheer envy of its
improved condition ; thus furnishing a melan-
choly proof that jealousy may prevail, even
among the heavenly bodies, and discord in-
terrupt that celestial harmony of the spheres,
so melodiously sung by the poets.

But I pass over a variety of excellent theo-
ries, among which are those of Burnet, and
Woodward, and Whitehurst ; regretting ex-
tremely that my time will not suffer me to give

Ci

:) 0

Divers ^beories

55

them the notice they deserve, — and shall
conclude with that of the renowned Dr.
Darwin. This learned Theban, who is as
much distinguished for rhyme as reason, and
for good-natured credulity as serious research,
and who has recommended himself wonder-
fully to the good graces of the ladies, by let-
ting them into all the gallantries, amours,
debaucheries, and 'other topics of scandal of
the court of Flora, has fallen upon a theory
worthy of his combustible imagination. Ac-
cording to his opinion, the huge mass of chaos
took a sudden occasion to explode, like a barrel
of gunpowder, and in that act exploded the
sun, — which in its flight, by a similar convul-
sion, exploded the earth, which in like guise
exploded the moon, — and thus by a concate-
nation of explosions, the whole solar system
was produced, and set most systematically in
motion ! *

By the great variety of theories here alluded
to, every one of which, if thoroughly examined,
will be found surprisingly consistent in all its
parts, my unlearned readers will perhaps be
led to conclude, that the creation of a world is
not so difficult a task as they at first imagined.
I have shown at least a score of ingenious
methods in which a world could be con-
* Darw., Bot. Garden^ Part I., Cant, i., i, 105.

1

Bmusemente of pbilosopbcrs

steeds, are as wild in their curvetings as was
Phaeton of yore, when he aspired to manage
the chariot of Phoebus. One drives his comet

MOUNT ASTRIDE OF HIS TAIL, AND AWAY HE GALLOPS IN TRIUMPH.

at full speed against the sun, and knocks the
world out of him with the mighty concussion ;
another, more moderate, makes his comet a
kind of beast of burden, carrying the sun a

V.1

58

B Ibietor^ of IRew l^orh

regular supply of food and fagots ; a third, of
more combustible disposition, threatens to
throw his comet, like a bomb-shell, into the
world, and blow it up like a powder-magazine ;
while a fourth, with no great delicacy to this
planet and its inhabitants, insinuates that some
day or other his comet — my modest pen blushes
while I write it — shall absolutely turn tail upon
our world, and deluge it with water ! Surely,
as I have already observed, comets were bounti-
fully provided by Providence for the benefit of
philosophers, to assist them in manufacturing
theories.

And now, having adduced several of the
most prominent theories that occur to my rec-
ollection, I leave my judicious readers at full
liberty to choose among them. They are all
serious speculations of learned men, — all differ
essentially from each other, — and all have the
same title to belief. It has ever been the task
of one race of philosophers to demolish the
works of their predecessors, and elevate more
splendid fantasies in their stead, which in
their turn are demolished and replaced by
the air-castles of a succeeding generation.
Thus it would seem that knowledge and ge-
nius, of which we make such great parade, con-
si.st but in detecting the errors and absurdities
of those who have gone before, and devising

\i

Amusements of ipbilosopbers

59

new errors and absurdities, to be detected by
those who are to come after us. Theories are
the mighty soap-bubbles with which the grown-
up children of science amuse themselves, —
while the honest vulgar stand gazing in stupid
admiration, and dignify these learned vagaries
with the name of wisdom ! Surely, Socrates
was right in his opinion, that philosophers are
but a soberer sort of madman, busying them-
selves in things totally incomprehensible, or
which, if they could be comprehended, would
be found not worthy the trouble of discovery.

For my own part, until the learned have
come to an agreement among themselves, I
shall content myself with the account handed
down to us by Moses ; in which I do but fol-
low the example of our ingenious neighbors
of Connecticut ; who at their first settlement
proclaimed, that the colony should be governed
by the laws of God — until they had time to
make better.

One thing, however, appears certain, — from
the unanimous authority of the before-quoted
philosophers, supported by the evidence of our
own senses (which, though very apt to deceive
us, may be cautiously admitted as additional
testimony) — it appears, I say, and I make the
assertion deliberately, without fear of contra-
diction, that this globe really was created, and

21 1bl0tor^ of IRevv

that it is composed of land a7id water. It fur-
ther appears that it is curiously divided and
parcelled out into continents and islands, among
which I boldly declare the renowned Island op
New York will be found by any one who seeks
for it in its proper place.

Chapter IFIFIf

HOW THAT FAMOUS NAVIGATOR, NOAH, WAS SHAMF-
FUUUY NICKNAMED, AND HOW HE COMMITTED AN
UNPARDONABEE OVERSIGHT IN NOT HAVING FOUR
SONS ; WITH THE GREAT TROUBEE OF PHIEOSO-
PHERS CAUSED THEREBY, AND THE DISCOVERY OF
AMERICA.

JN OAH, who is the

first seafaring
man we read
of, begat three
sons: Shem,

phet. Authors,

m ^ not wanting,

^ ^ \ ' who affirm that

\ the patriarch

had a number of other children. Thus, Bero-
sus makes him father of the gigantic Titans ;
Methodius gives him a son called Jonithus, or
Jonicus ; and others have mentioned a son,
named Thuiscon, from whom descended the
Teutons or Teutonic, or in other words, the
Dutch nation.

/

\

If

62

B Ibistorg of IRew l^orft

I regret exceedingly that the nature of
plan will not permit me to gratify the laudable
curiosity of my readers, by investigating min-
utely the history of the great Noah. Indeed, such
an undertaking would be attended with more
trouble than many people would imagine, for
the good old patriarch seems to have been a great
traveller in his day, and to have passed under a
different name in every country that he visited.
The Chaldeans, for instance, give us his story,
merely altering his name into Xisuthrus, — a
trivial alteration, which, to an historian skilled
in etymologies, will appear wholly unimportant.
It appears, likewise, that he had exchanged
his tarpaulin and quadrant among the Chal-
deans for the gorgeous insignia of royalty, and
appears as a monarch in their annals. The
Egyptians celebrate him under the name of
Osiris ; the Indians as Menu ; the Greek and
Roman writers confound him with Ogyges, and
the Theban with Deucalion and Saturn. But
the Chinese, who deservedly rank among the
most extensive and authentic historians, inas-
much as they have known the world much
longer than any one else, declare that Noah
was no other than Fohi ; and what gives this
assertion some air of credibility is, that it is a
fact, admitted by the most enlightened literati^
that Noah travelled into China, at the time of

9

<'/

N

1Hoab’6 Sons

63

the building of the tower of Babel (probably to
improve himself in the study of languages),
and the learned Dr. Shack ford gives us the
additional information, that the ark rested on
a mountain on the frontiers of China.

FOHl THE HISTORIAN.

From this mass of rational conjectures and
sage hypotheses, many satisfactory deductions
might be drawn ; but I shall content myself
with the simple fact stated in the Bible, viz. :
that Noah begat three sons, Shem, Ham, andja-
phet. It is astonishing on what remote and ob-

64

B 1f3istori? of IRevv ]ll)orh

scure contingencies the great affairs of this world
depend, and how events the most distant, and
to the common observer unconnected, are in-
evitably consequent the one to the other. It
remains to the philosopher to discover these
mysterious affinities, and it is the proudest
triumph of his skill, to detect and drag forth
some latent chain of causation which at first
sight appears a paradox to the inexperienced
observer. Thus many of my readers will
doubtless wonder what connection the family
of Noah can possibly have with this history, —
and man)" will stare when informed that the
whole history of this quarter of the world has
taken its character and course from the simple
circumstance of the patriarch’s having but
three sons. But to explain :

Noah, we are told by sundry very credible
historians, becoming sole surviving heir and
proprietor of the earth, in fee-simple, after the
deluge, like a good father, portioned out his
estate among his children. To Shem he gave
Asia ; to Ham, Africa ; andto Japhet, Europe.
Now it is a thousand times to be lamented that
he had but three sons, for had there been a
fourth, he would doubtless have inherited
America ; which, of course, would have been
dragged forth from its obscurity on the occa-
sion ; and thus many a hard-working historian

and philosopher would have been spared a
prodigious mass of weary conjecture respecting
the first discovery and population of this coun-
try. Noah, however, having provided for his
three sons, looked in all probability upon our
country as a mere wild unsettled land, and said
nothing about it ; and to this unpardonable
taciturnity of the patriarch may we ascribe
the misfortune that America did not come
into the world as early as the other quarters
of the globe.

It is true, some writers have vindicated him
from this misconduct towards posterity, and
asserted that he really did discover America.
Thus it was the opinion of Mark Lescarbot, a
French writer, possessed of that ponderosity
of thought and profoundness of reflection so
peculiar to his nation, that the immediate de-
scendants of Noah peopled this quarter of the
globe, and that the old patriarch himself, who
still retained a passion for the seafaring life,
superintended the transmigration. The pious
and enlightened father Charlevoix, a French
Jesuit, remarkable for his aversion to the
marvellous, common to all great travellers, is
conclusively of the same opinion ; nay, he goes
still farther, and decides upon the manner in
which the discovery was effected, which was
by sea, and under the immediate direction of

VOL. I. — 5

:-n

.05

u/

\

66

B ■ff3i6torB of 1Re\v l^orl;

the great Noah. “ I have already observ^ed,”
exclaims the good father, in a tone of becom-
ing indignation, “ that it is an arbitrary sup-
position that the grandchildren of Noah were
not able to penetrate into the new world, or
that they never thought of it. In effect, I can
see no reason that can justify such a notion.
Who can seriously believe that Noah and his
immediate descendants knew less than we do,
and that the builder and pilot of the greatest
ship that ever was, — a ship which was formed
to traverse an unbounded ocean, and had so
many shoals and quicksands to guard against,
— should be ignorant of, or should not have
communicated to his descendants the art of
sailing on the ocean ? ’ ’ Therefore, they did
sail on the ocean ; therefore, they sailed to
America ; therefore, America, was discovered
by Noah !

Now all this exquisite chain of reasoning,
which is so strikingly characteristic of the
good father, being addressed to the faith, rather
than the understanding, is flatly opposed by
Hans de Laet, who declares it a real and most
ridiculous paradox to suppose that Noah ever
entertained the thought of discovering Amer-
ica ; and as Hans is a Dutch writer, I am
inclined to believe he must have been much
better acquainted with the worthy crew of the

vw re

Ibans be Uaet

ark than his competitors, and of course pos-
sessed of more accurate sources of information.
It is astonishing how intimate historians do
daily become with the patriarchs and other
great men of antiquity. As intimacy improves

HANS DE LAET.

with time, and as the learned are particularly
inquisitive and familiar in their acquaintance
with the ancients, I should not be surprised if
some future writers should gravely give us a
picture of men and manners as they existed
before the flood, far more copious and accurate

68 B Ibistor^ of IRew l^ork

than the Bible ; and that in the course of an-
other century the log-book of the good Noah
should be as current among historians as the
voyages of Captain Cook, or the renowned his-
tory of Robinson Crusoe.

I shall not occupy my time by discussing the
huge mass of additional suppositions, conjec-
tures, and probabilities respecting the first dis-
covery of this countr}^, with which unhappy
historians overload themselves, in their endeav-
ors to satisfy the doubts of an incredulous
world. It is painful to see these laborious
wights panting, and toiling, and sweating,
under an enormous burden, at the very outset
of their works, which, on being opened, turns
out to be nothing but a mighty bundle of
straw. As, however, by unwearied assiduity,
they seem to have established the fact, to the
satisfaction of all the world, that this country
has been diseovered, I shall avail myself of
their useful labors to be extremely brief upon
this point.

I shall not, therefore, stop to inquire
whether America was first discovered by a
wandering vessel of that celebrated Phoenician
fleet, which, according to Herodotus, circum-
navigated Africa ; or by that Carthaginian ex-
pedition, which Pliny the naturalist informs
us discovered the Canary Islands ; or whether

Cbnstoval Colon

69

it was settled by a temporary colony from
Tyre, as hinted by Aristotle and Seneca. I
shall neither inquire whether it was first dis-
covered by the Chinese, as Vossius with great
shrewdness advances ; nor by the Norwegians
in 1002, under Biorn ; nor by Behem, the Ger-
man navigator, as Mr. Otto has endeavored to
prove to the savans of the learned city of Phil-
adelphia.

Nor shall I investigate the more modern
claims of the Welsh, founded on the voyage of
Prince Madoc in the eleventh century, who
having never returned, it has since been wisely
concluded that he must have gone to America,
and that for a plain reason, — if he did not go
there, where else could he have gone ? — a ques-
tion which most socratically shuts out all fur-
ther dispute.

Laying aside, therefore, all the conjectures
above mentioned, with a multitude of others,
equally satisfactory, I shall take for granted
the vulgar opinion, that America was discov-
ered on the 12th of October, 1492, by Chris-
to val Colon, a Genoese, who has been clumsily
nicknamed Columbus, but for what reason I
cannot discern. Of the voyages and adven-
tures of this Colon, I shall say nothing, seeing
that they are already sufficiently known. Nor
shall I undertake to prove that this country

B Ibietor^ ot IKlew l^orft

should have been called Colonia, after his
name, that being notoriously self-evident.

Having thus happily got my readers on this
side of the Atlantic, I picture them to myself
all impatience to enter upon the enjoyment of
the land of promise, and in full expectation

SAVAGES TO EXTERMINATE.

that I will immediately deliver it into their
possession. But if I do may I ever forfeit the
reputation of a regular-bred historian ! No —
no, — most curious and thrice learned readers
( for thrice learned ye are if ye have read all
that has gone before, and nine times learned

trolls of Carl^ Discoverers

shall ye be if ye read that which comes after),
we have yet a world of work before us. Think
you the first discoverers of this fair quarter of
the globe had nothing to do but go on shore
and find a country ready laid out and culti-
vated like a garden, wherein they might
revel at their ease? No such thing; they
had forests to cut down, underwood to grub
up, marshes to drain, and savages to exter-
minate.

In like manner, I have sundry doubts to
clear away, questions to resolve, and paradoxes
to explain, before I permit you to range at
random ; but these difficulties once overcome,
we shall be enabled to jog on right merrily
through the rest of our history. Thus my
work shall, in a manner, echo the nature of
the subject, in the same manner as the sound
of poetry has been found by certain shrewd
critics to echo the sense, — this being an im-
provement in history which I claim the merit
of having invented.

Chapter W,

SHOWING THE GREAT DIFFICUETY PHIEOSOPHERS
HAVE HAD IN PEOPLING AMERICA ; AND HOW
THE ABORIGINES CAME TO BE BEGOTTEN BY
ACCIDENT — TO THE GREAT RELIEF AND SATIS-
FACTION OF THE AUTHOR.

next inquiry at which
1 we arrive in the regular
I course of our history is
to ascertain, if possible,
how this country

was

originally peopled, — a
' point fruitful of incredi-

ble embarrassments ; for
unless we prove that the
^ ^ Aborigines did absolutely come
from somewhere, it will be
immediately asserted, in this
age of skepticism, that they did not come at
all ; and if they did not come at all, then was
this country never populated, — a conclusion
perfectly agreeable to the rules of logic,
but wholly irreconcilable to every feeling of
humanity, inasmuch as it must syllogisti-

ZTbe ipoct /Iftacrobious

Abo-

cally prove fatal to the innumerable
rigines of this populous region.

To avert so dire a sophism, and to rescue
from logical annihilation so many millions of
fellow-creatures, how many wings of geese
have been plundered ! what oceans of ink
have been benevolently drained ! and how
many capacious heads of learned historians
have been addled, and forever confounded !
I pause with reverential awe, when I contem-
plate the ponderous tomes, in different lan-
guages, with which they have endeavored to
solve this question, so important to the happi-
ness of society, but so involved in clouds of
impenetrable obscurity.

Historian after historian has engaged in the
endless circle of hypothetical argument, and
after leading us a weary chase through octavos,
quartos, and folios, has let us out at the end
of his work just as wise as we were at the
beginning. It was doubtless some philosophi-
cal wild-goose chase of the kind that made
the old poet Macrobius rail in such a passion at
curiosity, which he anathematizes most heartily
as ‘ ‘ an irksome agonizing care, a superstitious
industry about unprofitable things, an itching
humor to see what is not to be seen, and to be
doing what signifies nothing when it is done.”
But to proceed.

74

B Ibistoris of IRcw

Of the claims of the children of Noah to the
original population of this country I shall say
nothing, as they have already been touched
upon in my last chapter. The claimants next
in celebrity are the descendants of Abraham.
Thus, Christoval Colon (vulgarly called Colum-
bus) when he first discovered the gold mines
of Hispaniola, immediately concluded, wdth a
shrewdness that would have done honor to
a philosopher, that he had found the ancient
Ophir, from whence Solomon procured the
gold for embellishing the temple at Jerusalem ;
nay. Colon even imagined that he saw the
remains of furnaces of veritable Hebraic con-
struction, employed in refining the precious
ore.

So golden a conjecture, tinctured with such
fascinating extravagance, was too tempting not
to be immediately snapped at by the gudgeons
of learning ; and, accordingly, there were di-
vers profound writers ready to swear to its cor-
rectness, and to bring in their usual load of
authorities, and wise surmises, wherewithal to
prop it up. Vetablus and Robertus Stephens
declared nothing could be more clear ; Arius
Montanus, without the least hesitation, asserts
that Mexico was the true Ophir, and the Jews
the early settlers of the country ; while Posse-
vin, Becan, and several other .sagacious writ-

-jr

Conflicting tTbeorlee

75

ers, lug in a supposed prophecy of the fourth
book of Esdras, which being inserted in the
mighty hypothesis, like the key-stone of an
arch, gives it, in their opinion, perpetual dura-
bility.

Scarce, however, have they completed their
goodly superstructure, than in trudges a pha-
lanx of opposite authors, with Hans de Eaet,
the great Dutchman, at their head, and at one
blow tumbles the whole fabric about their ears.
Hans, in fact, contradicts outright all the Is-
raelitish claims to the first settlement of this
country, attributing all those equivocal symp-
toms, and traces of Christianity and Judaism,
which have been said to be found in divers prov-
inces of the new world, to the Devil^ who has al-
ways affected to counterfeit the worship of the
true Deity. ‘ ‘ A remark, ’ ’ says the knowing old
Padre d’ Acosta, ‘ ‘ made by all good authors who
have spoken of the religion of nations newly
discovered, and founded besides on the authority
of the fathers of the church y Some writers,
again, among whom it is with much regret I am
compelled to mention Lopez de Gomara, and
Juan de Leri, insinuate that the Canaanites,
being driven from the land of promise by the
Jews, were seized with such a panic that they
fled without looking behind them, until, stop-
ping to take breath, they found themselves safe

76 B Ibistorg of IRew Icrk

in America. As they brought neither their
national language, manners, nor features with
them, it is supposed they left them behind in
the hurry of their flight ; — I cannot give my
faith to this opinion.

I pass over the supposition of the learned
Grotius, — who being both an ambassador and
a Dutchman to boot, is entitled to great respect,
— that North America was peopled by a stroll-
ing company of Norwegians, and that Peru
was founded by a colony from China, — Manco,
or Mango Capac, the first Incas, being himself
a Chinese. Nor shall I more than barely men-
tion, that father Kircher ascribes the settle-
ment of America to the Egyptians, Rudbeck
to the Scandinavians, Charron to the Gauls,
Juffredus Petri to a skating party from Fries-
land, Milius to the Celtae, Marinocus the Sicilian
to the Romans, Ee Compte to the Phoenicians,
Postel to the Moors, Martyn d’Angleria to the
Abyssinians, together with the sage surmise
of De Eaet, that England, Ireland, and the
Orcades may contend for that honor.

Nor will I bestow any more attention or
credit to the idea that America is the fairy re-
gion of Zipangri, described by that dreaming
traveller, Marco Polo, the Venetian ; or that it
comprises the visionary island of Atlantis, de-
scribed by Plato. Neither will I stop to inves-

78

B Ibistorg of IRcw l^orft

tigate the heathenish assertion of Paracelsus,
that each hemisphere of the globe was origin-
ally furnished with an Adam and Eve ; or the
more flattering opinion of Dr. Romayne, sup-
ported by many nameless authorities, that
Adam was of the Indian race ; or the startling
conjecture of Buffon, Helvetius, and Darwin,
so highly honorable to mankind, that the whole
human species is accidentally descended from a
remarkable family of monkeys !

This last conjecture, I must own, came upon
me very suddenly and very ungraciously. I
have often beheld the clown in a pantomime,
while gazing in stupid wonder at the extrava-
gant gambols of a harlequin, all at once electri-
fied by a sudden stroke of the wooden sword
across his shoulders. Little did I think, at
such times, that it would ever fall to my lot to
be treated with equal discourtesy, and that,
while I was quietly beholding these grave phi-
losophers, emulating the eccentric transforma-
tions of the hero of pantomime, they would on
a sudden turn upon me and my readers, and
with one hypothetical flourish metamorphose
us into beasts ! I determined from that mo-
ment not to burn my fingers with any more of
their theories, but content myself with detail-
ing the different methods by which they trans-
ported the descendants of these ancient and

Conflicting tTbcories

respectable monkeys to this great field of
theoretical warfare.

This was done either by migrations by land
or transmigrations by water. Thus Padre
Joseph d’ Acosta enumerates three passages
by land ; first, by the north of Europe ;
secondly, by the north of Asia ; and thirdly,
by the regions southward of the Straits of
Magellan. The learned Grotius marches his
Norwegians by a pleasant route across frozen
rivers and arms of the sea, through Iceland,
Greenland, Estotiland, and Naremberga ; and
various writers, among whom are Angleria, De
Hornn, and Buffon, anxious for the accommo-
dation of these travellers, have fastened the two
continents together by a strong chain of deduc-
tions,— by which means they could pass over
dry-shod. But should even this fail, Pinkerton,
that industrious old gentleman, who compiles
books, and manufactures Geographies, has
constructed a natural bridge of ice, from con-
tinent, to continent, at the distance of four or
five miles from Behring’s Straits, — for which
he is entitled to the grateful thanks of all the
wandering Aborigines who ever did or ever
will pass over it.

It is an evil much to be lamented, that none
of the worthy writers above quoted could ever
commence his work without immediately declar-

p

V /■■

8o

B Ibistor^ ot IRew l^orh

ing hostilities against every writer who had
treated of the same subject. In this particu-
lar, authors may be compared to a certain
sagacious bird, which in building its nest is
sure to pull to pieces the nests of all the birds
in its neighborhood. This unhappy propensity
tends grievously to impede the progress of
sound knowledge. Theories are at best but
brittle productions, and when once committed
to the stream, they should take care that, like
the notable pots which were fellow-voyagers,
they do not crack each other.

My chief surprise is, that among the many
writers I have noticed, no one has attempted
to prove that this country was peopled from
the moon, — or that the first inhabitants floated
hither on islands of ice, as white bears cruise
about the northern oceans, — or that they were
conveyed hither by balloons, as modern aero-
nauts pass from Dover to Calais, — or by witch-
craft, as Simon Magus posted among the stars,
— or after the manner of the renowned Scythian
Abaris, who, like the New England witches
on full-blooded broomsticks, made most un-
heard of journeys on the back of a golden
arrow, given him by the Hyperborean Apollo.

But there is still one more mode left by
which this country could have been peopled,
which I have reserved for the last, because I

82

B of IRevv

ment in s^^llogistic skill, and proves the good
father superior even to Archimedes, for he can
turn the world without anything to rest his
lever upon. It is only surpassed by the dex-
terity with which the sturdy old Jesuit, in
another place, cuts the gordian knot : — “ Noth-
ing,” sa3^s he, ” is more easy. The inhabitants
of both hemispheres are certainly the descend-
ants of the same father. The common father
of mankind received an express order from
Heaven to people the world, and accordingly it
has been peopled. To bring this about it was
necessary to overcome all difficulties in the
way, and they have also bee7i ove^xonie !
Pious logician ! How does he put all the herd
of laborious theorists to the blush, by explain-
ing, in five words, what it has cost them
volumes to prove they knew nothing about !

From all the authorities here quoted, and a
variety of others which I have consulted, but
which are omitted through fear of fatiguing
the unlearned reader, I can only draw the fol-
lowing conclusions, which luckiljq however,
are sufficient for my purpose. First, that this
part of the world has actually been peopled^
(Q. K. D.) to support which we have living
proofs in the numerous tribes of Indians that
inhabit it. Secondly, that it has been peopled
in five hundred different ways, as proved by a

ro

^be (Sluestion ^Finalls SettlcD

cloud of authors who, from the positiveness of
their assertions, seem to have been eye-wit-
nesses to the fact. Thirdly, that the people
of this country had a variety of fathers, which,
as it may not be thought much to their credit
by the common run of readers, the less we say
on the subject the better. The question, there-
fore, I trust, is forever at rest.

Chapter D.

IN WHICH THE AUTHOR PUTS A MIGHTY QUESTION
TO THE ROUT, BY THE ASSISTANCE OF THE MAN
IN THE MOON, — WHICH NOT ONEY DEEIVERS
THOUSANDS OE PEOPLE FROM GREAT EMBARRASS-
MENT, BUT LIKEWISE CONCLUDES THIS INTRO-
DUCTORY BOOK.

I HK writer of a history

m,- some re-

' spects, be likened

ill unto an adventur-

ous knight, who,
M having undertaken

^ perilous enterprise
"by '^^y establish-
\\\ y fame, feels

bound, in honor
W f’W9ir^ and chivalry, to

turn back for no
difficulty nor hard-
never to
shrink or quail,
whatever enemy he
may encounter. Under this impression, I

resolutely draw my pen, and fall to, with might

Zbc IRic^bt of Discovers

and main, at those doughty questions and
subtle paradoxes, which, like fiery dragons and
bloody giants, beset the entrance to my history,
and would fain repulse me from the very thresh-
old. And at this moment a gigantic question
has started up, which I must needs take by the
beard and utterly subdue, before I can advance
another step in my historic undertaking ; but I
trust this will be the last adversary I shall have
to contend with, and that in the next book I
shall be enabled to conduct my readers in tri-
umph into the body of my work.

The question which has thus suddenly arisen
is. What right had the first discoverers of
America to land and take possession of a coun-
try, without first gaining the consent of its
inhabitants, or yielding them an adequate
compensation for their territory ? — a question
which has withstood many fierce assaults, and
has given much distress of mind to multitudes
of kind-hearted folk. And indeed, until it be
totally vanquished, and put to rest, the worthy
people of America can by no means enjoy the
soil they inhabit, with clear right and title, and
quiet, unsullied consciences.

The first source of right, by which property
is acquired in a country, is discovery. For
as all mankind have an equal right to anything
which has never before been appropriated, so

'.'A.

86

B Ibistor^ of Iftevv lork

any nation that discovers an uninhabited coun-
try, and takes possession thereof, is considered
as enjoying full property, and absolute, unques-
tionable empire therein.*

This proposition being admitted, it follows
clearly, that th^ Europeans who first visited
America were the real discoverers of the same ;
nothing being necessary to the establishment
of this fact, but simply to prove that it was
totally uninhabited by men. This would at
first appear to be a point of some di^culty, for
it is well known that this quarter of the world
abounded with certain animals, that walked
erect on two feet, had something of a human
countenance, uttering certain unintelligible
sounds, very much like language ; in short,
had a marvellous resemblance to human beings.
But the zealous and enlightened fathers, who
accompanied the discoverers, for the purpose
of promoting the kingdom of heaven by estab-
lishing fat monasteries and bishoprics on earth,
soon cleared up this point, greatl}" to the satis-
faction of his holiness the pope, and of all
Christian voyagers and discoverers.

They plainly proved, *and as no Indian
writers arose on the other side, the fact was
considered as fully admitted and established,

* Grotius. Puffendorff, b. v., cap. 4. Vattel, b. i.,
cap. 18, etc.

Ci

'Vv.

^Tbc Bborigines

that the two-legged race of animals before
mentioned were mere cannibals, detestable
monsters, and many of them giants, — which
last description of vagrants have, since the
time of Gog, Magog, and Goliath, been consid-
ered as outlaws, and have received no quarter
in either historjq chivalry, or song. Indeed,
even the philosophic Bacon declared the Ameri-
cans to be people proscribed by the laws of
nature, inasmuch as they had a barbarous
custom of sacrificing men, and feeding upon
man’s flesh.

Nor are these all the proofs of their utter
barbarism. Among many other writers of
discernment, Ulloa tells us ‘ ‘ their imbecility is
so visible, that one can hardly form an idea of
them different from what one has of the brutes.
Nothing disturbs the tranquillity of their souls,
equally insensible to disasters and to prosper-
ity. Though half naked, they are as contented
as a monarch in his most splendid array. Fear
makes no impression on them, and respect as
little. ’ ’ All this is furthermore supported by
the authority of M. Bouguer. “It is not
easy,” says he, “ to describe the degree of their
indifference for wealth and all its advantages.
One does not well know what motives to pro-
pose to them when one would persuade them
to any service. It is vain to offer them money ;

88 B 1b(0tor^ of 1Rew HJorh

they answer they are not hungry.” And
Vanegas confirms the whole, assuring us that
‘ ‘ ambition they have none, and are more de-
sirous of being thought strong than valiant.
The objects of ambition with us — honor, fame,
reputation, riches, posts, and distinctions —
are unknown among them. So that this pow-
erful spring of action, the cause of so much
seeming good and real evil in the world, has no
power over them. In a word, these unhappy
mortals may be compared to children in whom
the development of reason is not completed.”

Now all these peculiarities, although in the
most unenlightened states of Greece they
would have entitled their possessors to im-
mortal honor, as having reduced to practice
those rigid and abstemious maxims, the mere
talking about which acquired certain old
Greeks the reputation of sages and philoso-
phers,— yet, were they clearly proved in the
present instance to betoken a most abject and
brutified nature, totally beneath the human
character. But the benevolent fathers, who
had undertaken to turn these unhappy sav-
ages into dumb beasts, by dint of argument,
advanced still stronger proofs ; for, as certain
divines of the sixteenth century, and among
the rest Lullus, affirm, — the Americans go
naked, and have no beards ! ‘ ‘ They have

.>1

^Tbe Bborigtnes

nothing, ’ ’ says Lulliis, ‘ ‘ of the reasonable ani-
mal, except the mask.” And even that mask
was allowed to avail them but little, for it was
soon found that they were of a hideous copper
complexion : and being of a copper complex-

IT IS VAIN TO OFFER THEM MONEY ; THEY SAY THEY ARE NOT HUNGRY.

ion, it was all the same as if they were negroes :
and negroes are black, — ” and black,” said the
pious fathers, devoutly crossing themselves,
“is the color of the Devil!” Therefore, so
far from being able to own property, they had
no right even to personal freedom ; for liberty

Xi

90

B 1bi6tor^ of 1Rew ^ov\\

is too radiant a deity to inhabit such gloomy
temples. All which circumstances plainly
convinced the righteous followers of Cortes
and Pizarro, that these miscreants had no title
to the soil that they infested, — that they were
a perverse, illiterate, dumb, beardless, black-
seed, — mere wild beasts of the forests, and like
them should either be subdued or exterminated.

From the foregoing arguments, therefore,
and a variety of others equally conclusive,
which I forbear to enumerate, it is clearly
evident that this fair quarter of the globe,
when first visited by Europeans, was a howl-
ing wilderness, inhabited by nothing but wild
beasts ; and that the transatlantic visitors ac-
quired an incontrovertible property therein by
the right of discovery.

This right being fully established, we now
come to the next, which is the right acquired
by cultivatio7i . “The cultivation of the soil,”
we are told, “is an obligation imposed by
nature on mankind. The whole world is ap-
pointed for the nourishment of its inhabitants ;
but it would be incapable of doing it, was it
uncultivated. Every nation is then obliged
by the law of nature to cultivate the ground
that has fallen to its share. Those people,
like the ancient Germans and modern Tartars,
who, having fertile countries, disdain to culti-

%

^be IRigbt ot Cultivation

91

vate the earth, and choose to live by rapine,
are wanting to themselves, and deserve to be
exterminated as savage and pernicious beasts.

Now it is notorious that the savages knew
nothing of agriculture, when first discovered
by the Europeans, but lived a most vagabond,
disorderly, unrighteous life, — rambling from
place to place, and prodigally rioting upon the
spontaneous luxuries of nature, without task-
ing her generosity to yield them anything
more ; whereas it has been most unquestion-
ably shown, that Heaven intended the earth
should be ploughed and sown, and manured,
and laid out into cities, and towns, and farms,
and country-seats, and pleasure-grounds, and
public gardens ; all which the Indians knew
nothing about : therefore, they did not im-
prove the talents Providence had bestowed on
them : therefore, they were careless stewards :
therefore, they had no right to the soil : there-
fore, they deserved to be exterminated.

It is true, the savages might plead that they
drew all the benefits from the land which their
simple wants required, — they found plenty of
game to hunt, which, together with the roots
and uncultivated fruits of the earth, furnished
a sufficient variety for their frugal repasts, —
and that, as Heaven merely designed the earth
* Vattel, b. i,, ch. 17.

'a

92 B Ibistor^ of IRevv l^orf?

to form the abode, and satisfy the wants of
man, so long as those purposes were answered,
the will of Heaven was accomplished. But
this only proves how undeserving they were
of the blessings around them : they were so
much the more savages, for not having more
wants ; for knowledge is in some degree an
increase of desires ; and it is this superiority
both in the number and magnitude of his
desires, that distinguishes the man from the
beast. Therefore the Indians, in not having
more wants, were ver}^ unreasonable animals ;
and it was but just that they should make way
for the Europeans, who had a thousand wants
to their one, and, therefore, would turn the
earth to more account, and by cultivating it,
more truly fulfil the will of Heaven. Besides
— Grotius, and Eauterbach, and Puffendorf,
and Titius, and many wise men beside, who
have considered the matter properly, have
determined that the property of a country
cannot be acquired by hunting, cutting wood,
or drawing water in it — nothing but precise
demarcation of limits, and the intention of
cultivation, can establish the possession. Now,
as the savages (probably from never having
read the authors above quoted) had never
complied with any of these necessary forms,
it plainly follows that they had no right to

:iBenevoIent ;eiiropean9

93

the soil, hut that it was completely at the dis-
posal of the first comers, who had more
knowledge, more wants, and more elegant,
that is to say artificial, desires than themselves.

In entering upon a newly discovered, uncul-
tivated country, therefore, the newcomers were
but taking possession of what, according to the
aforesaid doctrine, was their own property ; —
therefore, in opposing them, the savages were
invading their just rights, infringing the im-
mutable laws of nature, and counteracting the
will of heaven : therefore, they were guilty
of impiety, burglary, and trespass on the case :
therefore, they were hardened offenders against
God and man : therefore, they ought to be
exterminated.

But a more irresistible right than either that
I have mentioned, and one which will be the
most readily admitted by my reader, provided
he be blessed with bowels of charity and philan-
thropy, is the right acquired by civilization.
All the world knows the lamentable state in
which these poor savages were found. Not only
deficient in the comforts of life, but what is still
worse, most piteously and unfortunately blind
to the miseries of their situation. But no
sooner did the benevolent inhabitants of Europe
behold their sad condition, than they immedi-
ately went to work to ameliorate and improve

hV

\/

94

B Ibistor^ of IRcvv l^ork

it. They introduced among them rum, gin,
brandy, and the other comforts of life, — and it
is astonishing to read how soon the poor sav-
ages learned to estimate those blessings ; they
likewise made known to them a thousand
remedies, by which the most inveterate diseases
are alleviated and healed ; and that they might
comprehend the benefits and enjoy the comforts
of these medicines, they previously introduced
among them the diseases which they were cal-
culated to cure. By these and a variety of
other methods was the condition of these poor
savages wonderfully improved ; they acquired
a thousand wants, of which they had before
been ignorant ; and as he has most sources of
happiness who has most wants to be gratified,
they were doubtlessly rendered a much happier
race of beings.

But the most important branch of civilization,
and which has most strenuously been extolled
by the zealous and pious fathers of the Romish
Church, is the introduction of the Christian
faith. It w^as truly a sight that might well
inspire horror, to behold these savages tum-
bling among the dark mountains of paganism,
and guilty of the most horrible ignorance of
religion. It is true, they neither stole nor
defrauded ; they were sober, frugal, continent,
and faithful to their word ; but though they

hi

:©enev>olent Buropeans

acted right habitually, it was all in vain, unless
they acted so from precept. The new comers,
therefore, used every method to induce them to
embrace and practise the true religion, — except
indeed that of setting them the example.

THEY INTRODUCED AMONG THEM RUM, GIN, AND BRANDY.

But notwithstanding all these complicated
labors for their good, such was the unparalleled
obstinacy of these stubborn wretches, that they
ungratefully refused to acknowledge the stran-
gers as their benefactors, and persisted in disbe-
lieving the doctrines they endeavored to incul-

96

B 1bl9tor^ of IRcw lork

cate ; most insolently alleging, that, from their
conduct, the advocates of Christianity did not
seem to believe in it themselves. Was not this
too much for human patience ? — would not one
suppose that the benign visitants from Europe,
provoked at their incredulity, and discouraged
by their stiff-necked obstinacy, would forever
have abandoned their shores, and consigned
them to their original ignorance and misery?
But no : so zealous were they to effect the
temporal comfort and eternal salvation of these
pagan infidels, that they even proceeded from
the milder means of persuasion to the more
painful and troubleisome one of persecution, —
let loose among them whole troops of fiery
monks and furious bloodhounds, — purified
them by fire and sword, by stake and fagot ;
in consequence of which indefatigable measures
the cause of Christain love and charity was so
rapidly advanced, that in a few years not one
fifth of the unbelievers existed in South Amer-
ica that were found there at the time of its
discovery.

What stronger right need the European
settlers advance to the country than this?
Have not whole nations of uninformed savages
been made acquainted with a thousand imperi-
ous wants and indispensable comforts, of which
they were before wholly ignorant ? Have

\)

rc-

Ulnctratcful Bbori^ines

97

they not been literally hunted and smoked out
of the dens and lurking-places of ignorance and
infidelity, and absolutely scourged into the right
path ? Have not the temporal things, the vain
baubles and filthy lucre of this world, which
were apt to engage their worldly and selfish
thoughts, been benevolently taken from them ;
and have they not, instead thereof, been taught
to set their affections on things above ? And,
finally, to use the words of a reverend Spanish
father, in a letter to his superior in Spain, “ Can
any one have the presumption to say that these
savage Pagans have yielded anything more
than an inconsiderable recompense to their
benefactors, in surrendering to them a little
pitiful tract of this dirty sublunary planet in
exchange for a glorious inheritance in the
kingdom of heaven ? ’ ’

Here, then, are three complete and undeni-
able sources of right established, any one of
which was more than ample to establish a
property in the newly-discovered regions of
America. Now, so it has happened in certain
parts of this delightful quarter of the globe,
that the right of discovery has been so strenu-
ously asserted, the influence of cultivation so
industriously extended, and the progress of
salvation and civilization so zealously prose-
cuted, that, what with their attendant wars, per-

VOL. I.— 7

V

\

98

B Ibistor^ of IRew L>ork

secutions, oppressions, diseases, and other partial
evils that often hang on the skirts of great
benefits, the savage aborigines have, somehow
or another, been utterly annihilated ; — and
this all at once brings me to a fourth right,
which is worth all the others put together.
For the original claimants to the soil being all
dead and buried, and no one remaining to in-
herit or dispute the soil, the Spaniards, as the
next immediate occupants, entered upon the
possession as clearly as the hangman succeeds
to the clothes of the malefactor ; and as they
have Blackstone,* and all the learned ex-
pounders of the law on their side, they may set
all actions of ejectment at defiance ; — and this
last right may be entitled the right by exter-
mination, or, in other words, the right by
GUN-POWDER.

But lest any scruples of conscience should
remain on this head, and to settle the question
of right forever, his holiness Pope Alexander
VI. issued a bull, by which he generously
granted the newly-discovered quarter of the
globe to the Spaniards and Portuguese ; who,
thus having law and gospel on their side, and
being inflamed with great spiritual zeal, showed
the Pagan savages neither favor nor affection,
but prosecuted the work of disco verj^ coloniza-
*Blackstone, Com., b. ii., cap. i.

B Clear Citle

tion, civilization, and extermination with ten
times more fury than ever.

Thus were the European worthies who first
discovered America clearly entitled to the soil ;

THE SPANISH HAD THE RIGHT BY GUN-POWDER.

and not only entitled to the soil, but likewise
to the eternal thanks of these infidel savages,
for having come so far, endured so many perils
by sea and land, and taken such unwearied

21 1bi9tor^ of IRcvv l^ork

pains, for no other purpose but to improve
their forlorn, uncivilized and heathenish con-
dition,— for having made them acquainted with
the comforts of life, — for having introduced
among them the light of religion, — and, finally,
for having hurried them out of the world, to
enjoy its reward !

But as argument is never so well understood
by us selfish mortals as when it comes home to
ourselves, and as I am particular!}" anxious
that this question should be put to rest forever,
I will suppose a parallel case, by way of arous-
ing the candid attention of my readers.

Let us suppose, then, that the inhabitants of
the moon, by astonishing advancement in
science, and by profound insight into that lu-
nar philosophy, the mere flickerings of which
have of late years dazzled the feeble optics, and
addled the shallow brains of the good people
of our globe, — let us suppose, I say, that the
inhabitants of the moon, by these means, had
arrived at such a command of their energies,
such an enviable state of perfeetibility, as to
control the elements, and navigate the bound-
less regions of space. Let us suppose a roving
crew of these soaring philosophers, in the
course of an aerial voyage of discovery among
the stars, should chance to alight upon this
outlandish planet.

Zhc /iRen of tbe /Iftoon

And here I beg my readers will not have the
uncharitableness to smile, as is too frequently
the fault of volatile readers, when perusing the
grave speculations of philosophers. I am far
from indulging in any sportive vein at present ;

THE HEADLESS MEN OF THE MOON VISIT US.

nor is the supposition I have been making so
wild as many may deem it. It has long been
a very serious and anxious question with me,
and many a time and oft, in the course of my
overwhelming cares and contrivances for the

102 B 1bi6tor^ of 1Revv

welfare and protection of this my native planet,
have I lain awake whole nights debating in
my mind, whether it were most probable we
should first discover and civilize the moon, or
the moon discover and civilize our globe.
Neither would the prodigy of sailing in the air
and cruising among the stars be a whit more
astonishing and incomprehensible to us than
was the European mystery of navigating float-
ing castles, through the world of waters, to
the simple natives. We have already discov-
ered the art of coasting along the aerial shores
of our planet, by means of balloons, as the
savages had of venturing along their sea-coasts
in canoes ; and the disparity between the for-
mer and the aerial vehicles of the philosophers
from the moon might not be greater than that
between the bark canoes of the savages and
the mighty ships of their discoverers. I might
here pursue an endless chain of similar specu-
lations ; but as they would be unimportant to
my subject, I abandon them to my reader, par-
ticularly if he be a philosopher, as matters well
worthy of his attentive consideration.

To return, then, to my supposition ; — let us
suppose that the aerial visitants I have men-
tioned possessed of vastly superior knowledge to
ourselves ; that is to say, possessed of superior
knowledge in the art of extermination, — riding

.-H

ZIbe /iben of tbe /iboon

103

on

liyppogrifFs, — defended with impenetrable
armor, — armed with concentrated sunbeams,
and provided with vast engines, to hurl enor-
mous moon-stones : in short, let us suppose
them, if our vanity will permit the supposition,
as superior to us in knowledge, and conse-
quently in power, as the Europeans were to
the Indians, when they first discovered them.
All this is very possible ; it is only our self-
sufficiency that makes us think otherwise ; and
I warrant the poor savages, before they had
any knowledge of the white men, armed in all
the terrors of glittering steel and tremendous
gun-powder, were as perfectly convinced that
they themselves were the wisest, the most vir-
tuous, powerful, and perfect of created beings,
as are, at this present moment, the lordly in-
habitants of old England, the volatile populace
of France, or even the self-satisfied citizens of
this most enlightened republic.

Let us suppose, moreover, that the aerial
voyagers, finding this planet to be nothing but
a howling wilderness, inhabited by us poor
savages and wild beasts, shall take formal pos-
session of it, in the name of his most gracious
and philosophic excellency, the man in the
moon. Finding, however, that their numbers
are incompetent to hold it in complete subjec-
tion, on account of the ferocious barbarity of

V'

m

104

B 1[3i0tor^ of Ittcvv ^ox\\

its inhabitants, they shall take our worthy
President, the King of England, the Emperor
of Hayti, the mighty Bonaparte, and the great
King of Bantam, and returning to their native
planet, shall carry them to court, as were the
Indian chiefs led about as spectacles in the
courts of Europe.

Then making such obeisance as the etiquette
of the court requires, they shall address the
puissant man in the moon, in, as near as I can
conjecture, the following terms : —

“ Most serene and mighty Potentate, whose
dominions extend as far as eye can reach, who
rideth on the Great Bear, useth the sun as
a looking-glass, and maintaineth unrivalled
control over tides, madmen, and sea-crabs.
We, thy liege subjects, have just returned from
a voyage of discovery, in the course of which
we have landed and taken possession of that
obscure little dirty planet, which thou beholdest
rolling at a distance. The five uncouth mon-
sters, which we have brought into this august
presence, were once very important chiefs
among their fellow-savages, who are a race of
beings totally destitute of the common attri-
butes of humanity ; and differing in everything
from the inhabitants of the moon, inasmuch as
they carry their heads upon their shoulders,
instead of under their arms, — have two eyes

.0

Zbc /iRen of tbc /Iboon

instead of one, — are utterly destitute of tails, and
of a variety of unseemly complexions, particu-
larly of horrible whiteness, instead of pea-green.

WHO RIDETH ON THE GREAT BEAR AND USETH THE SUN AS A LOOKING-GLASS.”

“ We have moreover found these miserable
savages sunk into a state of the utmost igno-
rance and depravity, every man shamelessly

\

io6

B ‘ff3istori? of IRew J^ork

living with his own wife, and rearing his own
children, instead of indulging in that commu-
nity of wives enjoined by the law of nature, as
expounded b}" the philosophers of the moon.
In a word, they have scarcely a gleam of true
philosophy among them, but are, in fact, utter
heretics, ignoramuses, and barbarians. Tak-
ing compassion, therefore, on the sad condition
of these sublunary wretches, we have endeav-
ored, while we remained on their planet, to
introduce among them the light of reason, and
the comforts of the moon. We have treated
them to mouthfuls of moonshine, and draughts
of nitrous oxide, which they swallowed with
incredible voracity, particularly the females ;
and we have likewise endeavored to instil into
them the precepts of lunar philosophy. We
have insisted upon their renouncing the con-
temptible shackles of religion and common
sense, and adoring the profound, omnipotent,
and all-perfect energy, and the ecstatic, immu-
table, immovable perfection. But such was
the unparalleled obstinacy of these wretched
savages, that they persisted in cleaving to their
wives, and adhering to their religion, and
absolutely set at naught the sublime doctrines
of the moon, — nay, among other abominable
heresies, they even went so far as blasphem-
ously to declare, that this ineffable planet was

v

Zbc /iRen of tbc /iRoon

107

made of nothing more nor less than green
cheese ! ’ ’

At these words, the great man in the moon
(being a very profound philosopher) shall fall
into a terrible passion, and possessing equal
authority over things that do not belong to
him, as did whilom his holiness the Pope,
shall forthwith issue a formidable bull, speci-
fying, ‘ ‘ That, whereas a certain crew of Luna-
tics have lately discovered, and taken possession
of a newly-discovered planet called t/ie earth ;
and that, whereas it is inhabited by none but
a race of two-legged animals that carry their
heads on their shoulders instead of under their
arms, cannot talk the Lunatic language, have
two eyes instead of one, are destitute of tails,
and of a horrible whiteness, instead of pea-
green : — therefore, and for a variety of other
excellent reasons, they are considered incapable
of possessing any property in the planet they
infest, and the right and title to it are con-
firmed to its original discoverers. And further-
more, the colonists who are now about to
depart to the aforesaid planet are authorized
and commanded to use every means to convert
these infidel savages from the darkness of
Christianity, and make them thorough and
absolute Lunatics.”

In consequence of this benevolent bull, our

io8

B 1bi9tor^ of IRcw J^ork

philosophic benefactors go to work with hearty
zeal. They seize upon our fertile territories,
scourge us from our rightful possessions, relieve
us from our wives ; and when we are unreason-
able enough to complain, they will turn upon
us and say : Miserable barbarians ! ungrateful
wretches ! have we not come thousands of
miles to improve your worthless planet ; have
we not fed you with moonshine ; have we not
intoxicated you with nitrous oxide ; does not
our moon give you light every night ; and
have you the baseness to murmur when we
claim a pitiful return for all these benefits ?
But finding that we not only persist in absolute
contempt of their reasoning and disbelief in
their philosophy, but even go so far as daringly
to defend our property, their patience shall
be exhausted, and they shall resort to their
superior powers of argument : hunt us with
hyppogriffs, transfix us with concentrated sun-
beams, demolish our cities with moon-stones ;
until having, by main force, converted us to
the true faith, they shall graciously permit us
to exist in the torrid deserts of Arabia, or the
frozen regions of Lapland, there to enjoy the
blessings of civilization and the charms of lunar
philosophy, in much the same manner as the
reformed and enlightened savages of this coun-
try are kindly suffered to inhabit the inhos-

V

iC

\]

Zbc IRi^bte iproveb

log

pitable forests of the north, or the impenetrable
wildernesses of South America.

Thus, I hope, I have clearly proved, and
strikingly illustrated, the right of the early
colonists to the possession of this country ; and
thus is this gigantic question completely van-
quished : so, having manfully surmounted all
obstacles, and subdued all opposition, what
remains but that I should forthwith conduct
my readers into the city which we have been
so long in a manner besieging ? But hold ;
before I proceed another step, I must pause to
take breath, and recover from the excessive
fatigue I have undergone, in preparing to
begin this most accurate of histories. And in
this I do but imitate the example of a renowned
Dutch tumbler of antiquity, who took a start
of three miles for the purpose of jumping over
a hill, but having run himself out of breath by
the time he reached the foot, sat himself quietly
down for a few moments to blow, and then
walked over it at his leisure.

TREATING OF THE FIRST SETTLEMENT OF THE PRO-
VINCE OF NIEUW-NEDERLANDTS.

|C/V^

li

' — \l^lJ

Cbapter 11

IN WHICH ARE CONTAINED DIVERS REASONS WHY A
MAN SHOUED NOT WRITE IN A HURRY ; AESO, OE
master HENDRICK HUDSON, HIS DISCOVERY OF A
STRANGE COUNTRY, — AND HOW HE WAS MAGNIFI-
CENTEY REWARDED BY THE MUNIFICENCE OF
THEIR HIGH MIGHTINESSES.

\ Y great-grandfather, by
33 the mother’s side, Her-

ti- manus Van Clattercop,
when employed to build
the large stone church at
Rotterdam, which stands
about three hundred
yards to your left after
^ ^ you turn off from the

Boomkeys, and which
is so conveniently con-
structed, that all the zealous Christians of
Rotterdam prefer sleeping through a sermon
there to any other church in the city, — my
great-grandfather, I say, when employed to
build that famous church, did in the first place
send to Delft for a box of long pipes ; then

II4

B Ibistorg ot IRevv ^ox\\

having purchased a new spitting-box and a
hundred-weight of the best Virginia, he sat
himself down, and did nothing for the space
of three months but smoke most laboriously.
Then did he spend full three months more in
trudging on foot, and voyaging in trekschuit,
from Rotterdam to Amsterdam — to Delft — to
Haerlem — to Leyden — to the Hague, knocking
his head and breaking his pipe against every
church in his road. Then did he advance
gradually nearer and nearer to Rotterdam,
until he came in full sight of the identical
spot whereon the church was to be built.
Then did he spend three months longer in
walking round it and round it, contemplating
it, first from one point of view, and then from
another, — now would he be paddled by it on
the canal, — now would he peep at it through a
telescope from the other side of the Meuse,
and now would he take a bird’s-eye glance at
it from the top of one of those gigantic wind-
mills which protect the gates of the city. The
good folks of the place were on the tiptoe of
expectation and impatience ; — notwithstanding
all the turmoil of my great-grandfather, not a
symptom of the church was yet to be seen ;
they even began to fear it would never be,
brought into the world, but that its great pro-
jector would lie down and die in labor of the

1C

( ^

In a similar manner, and with the example
of my worthy ancestor full before my eyes,
have I proceeded in writing this most authentic
history. The honest Rotterdamers no doubt
thought my great-grandfather was doing noth-
ing at all to the purpose, while he was making
such a world of prefatory bustle about the
building of his church — and many of the ingen-
ious inhabitants of this fair city will unques-
tionably suppose that all the preliminary
chapters, with the discovery, population, and
final settlement of America, were totally irrele-
vant and superfluous, — and that the main
business, the history of New York, is not a jot
more advanced than if I had never taken up
my pen. Never were wise people more mis-
taken in their conjectures : in consequence
of going to work slowly and deliberately, the
church came out of my grandfather’s hands
one of the most sumptuous, goodly, and glo-
rious edifices in the known world, — excepting
that, like our magnificent Capitol at Washing-
ton, it was begun on so grand a scale that the
good folks could not afford to finish more than
the wing of it. So, likewise, I trust, if ever I
am able to finish this work on the plan I have
commenced (of which, in simple truth, I some-
times have my doubts) it will be found that I
have pursued the latest rules of my art, as

s

exemplified in the writings of all the great
American historians, and wrought a very
large history out of a small subject, — which,
nowadays, is considered one of the great
triumphs of historic skill. To proceed, then,
with the thread of my story.

In the ever-memorable year of our Lord
1609, on a Saturday morning, the five-and-
twentieth day of March, old style, did that
‘ ‘ worthy and irrecoverable discoverer (as he
has justly been called). Master Henry Hud-
son,” set sail from Holland in a stout vessel
called the Half -Moon, being employed by the
Dutch East India Company, to seek a north-
west passage to China.

Henry (or, as the Dutch historians call him,
Hendrick) Hudson was a seafaring man of re-
nown, who had learned to smoke tobacco under
Sir Walter Raleigh, and is said to have been the
first to introduce it into Holland, which gained
him much popularity in that country, and caused
him to find great favor in the eyes of their High
Mightinesses, the Lords States-General, and also
of the honorable West India Company. He was
a short, square, brawny old gentleman, with a
double chin, a mastiff mouth, and a broad cop-
per nose, which was supposed in those days to
have acquired its fiery hue from the constant
neighborhood of his tobacco-pipe.

v.

ii8

B Ibistor^ of IRew ll)ork

He wore a true Andrea Ferrara, tucked in
a leathern belt, and a commodore’s cocked
hat on one side of his head. He was remark-
able for always jerking up his breeches when
he gave out his orders, and his voice sounded
not unlike the prattling of a tin trumpet, —
owing to the number of hard northwesters
which he had swallowed in the course of his
seafaring.

Such was Hendrick Hudson, of whom we
have heard so much, and know so little ; and
I have been thus particular in his description
for the benefit of modern painters and statu-
aries, that they may represent him as he was,
— and not, according to their common custom
with modern heroes, make him look like Caesar,
or Marcus Aurelius, or the Apollo of Belvi-
dere.

As chief mate and favorite companion, the
commodore chose master Robert Juet, of Lime-
house, in England. By some his name has
been spelled Chewit, and ascribed to the circum-
stances of his having been the first man that
ever chewed tobacco ; but this I believe to be
a mere flippancy ; more especially as certain
of his progeny are living at this day, who write
their names Juet. He was an old comrade and
early schoolmate of the great Hudson, with
whom he had often played truant and sailed chip

HENDRICK HUDSON.

B 1bi6tor\? of IRcvv lorK

boats in a neighboring pond, when they were
little bo3"S : from whence it is said that the
commodore first derived his bias towards a sea-
faring life. Certain it is that the old people
about Limehouse declared Robert Juet to be
an unlucky urchin, prone to mischief, that
would one day or other come to the gallows.

He grew up, as boys of that kind often grow
up, a rambling, heedless varlet, tossed about
in all quarters of the world, — meeting with
more perils and wonders than did Sinbad the
Sailor, without growing a whit more wise,
prudent, or ill-natured. Under every misfor-
tune, he comforted himself with a quid of
tobacco, and the truly philosophic maxim, that
“ it will be all the same thing a hundred 3^ears
hence.” He was skilled in the art of carving
anchors and true lover’s knots on the bulk-
heads and quarter-railings, and was considered
a great wit on board ship, in consequence of
his pla^dng pranks on ever3’body around, and
now and then even making a wr3^ face at old
Hendrick, when his back was turned.

To this universal genius are we indebted for
many particulars concerning this vo3mge ; of
which he wrote a history, at the request of the
commodore, who had an unconquerable aver-
sion to writing himself, from having received
so man3" floggings about it when at school.

Zbc Do^acje 121

To supply the deficiencies of Master Juet’s
journal, which is written with true log-book
brevit}^, I have availed myself of divers family
traditions, handed down from my great-great-
grandfather, who accompanied the expedition
in the capacity of cabin-boy.

From all that I can learn, few incidents
worthy of remark happened on the voyage ;
and it mortifies me exceedingly that I have to
admit so noted an expedition into my work,
without making any more of it.

Sufiice it to say, the voyage was prosperous
and tranquil ; the crew, being a patient people,
much given to slumber and vacuity, and but
little troubled with the disease of thinking, —
a malady of the mind, which is the sure breeder
of discontent. Hudson had laid in abundance
of gin and sourkrout, and every man was
allowed to sleep quietly at his post unless the
wind blew. True it is, some slight disaffection
was shown on two or three occasions, at cer-
tain unreasonable conduct of Commodore Hud-
son. Thus, for instance, he forbore to shorten
sail when the wind was light, and the weather
serene, which was considered among the most
experienced Dutch seamen as certain weathc7'-
breeders, or prognostics that the weather would
change for the worse. He acted, moreover, in
direct contradiction to that ancient and sage

1C

B 1F3i6tor^ of IHevv |)ork

rule of the Dutch navigators, who alwa3\s took
ill sail at night, put the helm a-port, and
turned in, — by which precaution they had a
good night’s rest, were sure of knowing where
they were the next morning, and stood but
little chance of running down a continent in
the dark. He likewise prohibited the seamen
from wearing more than five jackets and six
pair of breeches, under pretence of rendering
them more alert ; and no man was permitted
to go aloft and hand in sails with a pipe in his
mouth, as is the invariable Dutch custom at
the present day. All these grievances, though
they might ruffie for a moment the constitu-
tional tranquillity of the honest Dutch tars,
made but transient impression ; — they ate
hugely, drank profusely, and slept immeasur-
ably ; and being under the especial guidance
of Providence, the ship was safely conducted to
the coast of America ; where, after sundry un-
important touchings and standings off and on,
she at length, on the fourth day of September,
entered that majestic bay which at this day
expands its ample bosom before the city of
New York, and which had never before been
visited by any European.*

* True it is — aud I am not ignorant of the fact— that
in a certain apocryphal book of voyages, compiled
by one Hakluyt, is to be found a letter written to

^Tbe Hslanb of /lbannbat«n

It has been traditionary in oiir famil}*, that
when the great navigator was first blessed with
a view of this enchanting island, he was ob-
served, for the first and only time in his life,
to exhibit strong symptoms of astonishment

EVERY MAN WAS ALLOWED TO SLEEP AT HIS POST UNLESS THE WIND BLEW.

and admiration. He is said to have turned to
Master Juet, and uttered these remarkable
words, while he pointed towards this para-

Fraucisthe First, by one Giovanne, or John Verazzani,
on which some writers are inclined to found a belief
that this delightful bay had been visited nearly a

124

B of IRcw ll)orf?

dise of the new world, — “See ! there ! “ — and
thereupon, as was always his way when he
was uncommonl}' pleased, he did puff out
such clouds of dense tobacco-smoke, that in
one minute the vessel was out of sight
of land, and Master Juet was fain to wait
until the winds dispersed this impenetrable
fog.

It was indeed, — as my great-grandfather used
to say, — though in truth I never heard him,
for he died, as might be expected, before I
was born, — “ It was indeed a spot on which
the eye might have revelled forever, in ever
new and never-ending beauties.” The island
of Mannhata spread wide before them, like

century previous to the voyage of the enterprising
Hudson. Now this (albeit it has met with the counte-
nance of certain very j udicious and learned men) I hold
in utter disbelief, and that for various good and sub-
stantial reasons : First, Because on strict examination
it will be found, that the description given by this Ver-
azzani applies about as well to the bay of New York as
it does to my nightcap. Secondly, Because that this
John Verazzani, for whom I already begin to feel a
most bitter enmity, is a native of Florence ; and
everybody knows the crafty wiles of these losel Flor-
entines, by which they filched away the laurels from
the brows of the immortal Colon, (vulgarly called
Columbus,) and bestowed them on their officious
townsman, Amerigo Vespucci ; and I make no doubt
they are equally ready to rob the illustriovis Hudson

\

^Ibe HslanD of /Ilbannbata

:25

some sweet vision of fancy, or some fair crea-
tion of industrious magic. Its hills of smil-
ing green swelled gently one above another,
crowned with lofty trees of luxuriant growth ;
some pointing their tapering foliage towards
the clouds, which were gloriously transparent ;
and others loaded with a verdant burden of
clambering vines, bowing their branches to
the earth, that was covered with flowers. On
the gentle declivities of the hills were scattered
in gay profusion, the dog- wood, the sumach,
and the wild brier, whose scarlet berries and
white blossoms glowed brightly among the
deep green of the surrounding foliage ; and
here and there a curling column of smoke,

of the credit of discovering this beautiful island,
adorned by the city of New York, and placing it be-
side their usurped discovery of South America. And,
thirdly, I award my decision in favor of the preten-
sions of Hendrick Hudson, inasmuch as his expedi-
tion sailed from Holland, being truly and absolutely
a Dutch enterprise ; — and though all the proofs in the
world were introduced on the other side, I would set
them at naught, as undeserving my attention. If
these three reasons be not sufficient to satisfy every
burgher of this ancient city, all I can say is, they are
degenerate descendants from their venerable Dutch
ancestors, and totally unworthy the trouble of con-
vincing. Thus, therefore, the title of Hendrick
Hudson to his renowned discovery is fully vindi-
cated.

T5

/

126

B 1bi6tor^ of IRew L^orf?

rising from the little glens that opened along
the shore, seemed to promise the weary vo}^-
agers a welcome at the hands of their fellow-
creatures. As the}" stood gazing with entranced
attention on the scene before them, a redman
crowned with feathers issued from one of these
glens, and after contemplating in wonder the
gallant ship, as she sat like a stately swan
swimming on a silver lake, sounded the war-
whoop, and bounded into the woods like a
wild deer, to the utter astonishment of the
phlegmatic Dutchmen, who had never heard
such a noise, or witnessed such a caper in
their whole lives.

Of the transactions of our adventurers with
the savages, and how the latter smoked cop-
per pipes, and ate dried currants ; how they
brought great store of tobacco and oysters ;
how they shot one of the ship’s crew, and
how he was buried, I shall say nothing ; being
that I consider them unimportant to my his-
tory. After tarrying a few days in the bay, in
order to refresh themselves after their seafar-
ing, our voyagers weighed anchor, to explore
a mighty river which emptied into the bay.
This river, it is said, was known among the
savages by the name of the Shatcmuck ; though
we are assured in an excellent little history
published in 1674, by John Josselyn, Gent.,

tip tbe IRiver

that it was called the Mo/iegan,'^ and Master
Richard Blome, who wrote some time after-
wards, asserts the same, — so that I very much
incline in favor of the opinion of these two
honest gentlemen. Be this as it may, up this
river did the adventurous Hendrick proceed,
little doubting but it would turn out to be the
much looked-for passage to China !

A RED MAN CROWNED WITH FEATHERS ISSUED FROM ONE OF THESE GLENS.

The journal goes on to make mention of
divers interviews between the crew and the
natives, in the voyage up the river ; but as
they would be impertinent to my history, I

*This river is likewise laid down in Ogilvy’s map
as Manhattan — Noordt Montaigne and Mauritius
River.

128

% 1bi6tors of IRew ^ovk

vShall pass over them in silence, except the
following dry joke, played off by the old com-
modore and his school- fellow, Robert Juet,
which does such vast credit to their experi-
mental philosophy, that I cannot refrain from
inserting it. “Our master and his mate de-
termined to try some of the chiefe men of the
countrey, whether they had any treacherie in
them. So they tooke them downe into the
cabin, and gave them so much wine and aqua
vitae, that they were all merrie ; and one of
them had his wife with him, which sate so
modestly, as any of our countrey women
would do in a strange place. In the end,
one of them was drunke, which had been
aborde of our ship all the time that we had
been there, and that was strange to them,
for they could not tell how to take it.” *

Having satisfied himself by this ingenious
experiment that the natives were an honest,
social race of jolly roysters, who had no objec-
tion to a drinking-bout and were very merry
in their cups, the old commodore chuckled
hugely to himself, and thrusting a double quid
of tobacco in his cheek, directed Master Juet to
have it carefully recorded, for the satisfaction
of all the natural philosophers of the university
of Leyden, — which done, he proceeded on his
^ Juet's Journ.^ Purch. Pil.

i)

U>-.

■f't)

■fl)iiD60tr6 Ibonors

voyage, with great self-complacency. After
sailing, however, above a hundred miles up
the river, he found the watery world around
him began to grow more shallow and confined,
the current more rapid, and perfectly fresh, —
phenomena not uncommon in the ascent of
rivers, but which puzzled the honest Dutch-
men prodigiously. A consultation was there-
fore called, and having deliberated full six
hours, they were brought to a determination
by the ship’s running aground, — whereupon
they unanimously concluded that there was
but little chance of getting to China in this
direction. A boat, however, was despatched
to explore higher up the river, which, on its
return, confirmed the opinion ; upon this the
ship was warped off and put about, with great
difficulty, being, like most of her sex, exceed-
ingly ’ hard to govern ; and the adventurous
Hudson, according to the account of my great-
great-grandfather, returned down the river —
with a prodigious flea in his ear !

Being satisfied that there was little likelihood
of getting to China, unless, like the blind man,
he returned from whence he set out, and took
a fresh start, he forthwith recrossed the sea to
Holland, where he was received with great
welcome by the honorable Hast India Com-
pany, who were very much rejoiced to see him

VOL. I.— 9

r^'

B Ibistor^ of IRevv l^ork

come back .safe — with their ship ; and at a
large and respectable meeting of the first mer-
chants and burgomasters of Amsterdam, it
was unanimously determined, that, as a muni-
ficent reward for the important discovery he
had made, the great river Mohegan should be
called after his name ! — and it continues to be
called Hudson river unto this very day.

Chapter nil

CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF A MIGHTY ARK WHICH
FLOATED, UNDER THE PROTECTION OF ST. NICHO-
LAS, FROM HOLLAND TO GIBBET ISLAND, — THE
DESCENT OF THE STRANGE ANIMALS THEREFROM,
— A GREAT VICTORY, AND A DESCRIPTION OF THE
ANCIENT VILLAGE OF COMMUNIPAW.

delectable ac-
counts given by the
great Hudson, and
Master Juet, of the
country they had
discovered, excited
not a little talk and
speculation among
the good people of
Holland.

Letters-
patent were granted
b}^ government to
an association of merchants, called the West
India Company, for the exclusive trade on
Hudson river, on which they erected a trading-
house, called Fort Aurania, or Orange, from

\

132

B UDistor^ of IRew l^ork

whence did spring the great city of Albany.
But I forbear to dwell on the various com-
mercial and colonizing enterprises which took
place, — among which was that of Mynheer
Adrian Block, who discovered and gave a
name to Block Island, since famous for its
cheese, — and shall barely confine myself to
that which gave birth to this renowned city.

It was some three or four 3^ears after the
return of the immortal Hendrick, that a crew
of honest, Low-Dutch colonists set sail from
the city of Amsterdam for the shores of Amer-
ica. It is an irreparable loss to history, and
a great proof of the darkness of the age, and
the lamentable neglect of the noble art of
book-making, since so industriously cultivated
by knowing sea-captains, and learned supercar-
goes, that an expedition so interesting and im-
portant in its results should be passed over in
utter silence. To my great-great-grandfather am
I again indebted for the few facts I am enabled
to give concerning it, — he having once more
embarked for this country with a full determi-
nation, as he said, of ending his days here,
and of begetting a race of Knickerbockers
that should rise to be great men in the land.

The ship in which these illustrious adven-
turers set sail was called the Goede Vrouw, or
good woman, in compliment to the wife of the

/

JBrave pioneers

133

President of the West India Company, who
was allowed by everybody ( except her hus-
band) to be a sweet-tempered lady — when not
in liquor. It was in truth a most gallant ves-
sel, of the most improved Dutch construction,
and made by the ablest ship-carpenters of
Amsterdam, who it is well known, always
model their ships after the fair forms of their
country-women. Accordingly it had one hun-
dred feet in the beam, one hundred feet in the
keel, and one hundred feet from the bottom
of the stern-post to the tafferel. Like the
beauteous model, who was declared to be
the greatest belle in Amsterdam, it was full
in the bows, with a pair of enormous cat-
heads, a copper bottom, and withal a most
prodigious poop.

The architect, who was somewhat of a reli-
gious man, far from decorating the ship with
pagan idols, such as Jupiter, Neptune, or Her-
cules (which heathenish abominations, I have
no doubt, occasion the misfortunes and ship-
wreck of many a noble vessel) — he, I say on
the contrary, did laudably erect for a head, a
goodly image of St. Nicholas, equipped with a
low, broad-brimmed hat, a huge pair of Flem-
ish trunk-hose, and a pipe that reached to the
end of the bowsprit. Thus gallantly furnished,
the stanch ship floated sideways, like a majestic

134 B 1F3i9tor^ of IRew ^ovk

goose, out of the harbor of the great city of
Amsterdam, and all the bells, that were not
otherwise engaged, rang a triple bob-major on
the joyful occasion.

My great-great-grandfather remarks, that
the voyage was uncommonly prosperous, for,
being under the especial care of the ever-
revered St. Nicholas, the Goede Vrouw seemed
to be endowed with qualities unknown to com-
mon vessels. Thus she made as much leeway
as headway, could get along very nearly as
fast with the wind ahead as when it was
a-poop, — and was particularly great in a calm ;
in consequence of which singular advantages
she made out to accomplish her voyage in a
very few months, and came to anchor at the
mouth of the Hudson, a little to the east of
Gibbet Island.

Here, lifting up their eyes, they beheld, on
what is at present called the Jersey shore, a
small Indian village, pleasantly embowered in
a grove of spreading elms, and the natives all
collected on the beach, gazing in stupid admir-
ation at the Goede Vrouw. A boat was im-
mediately despatched to enter into a treaty
with them, and approaching the shore, hailed
them through a trumpet, in the most friendly
terms ; but so horribly confounded were these
poor savages at the tremendous and uncouth

JBravc pioneers

sound of the Low-Dutch language, that they
one and all took to their heels, and scampered
over the Bergen hills ; nor did they stop until
they had buried themselves, head and ears, in
the marshes on the other side, where they all
miserably perished to a man ; — and their bones,
being collected and decently covered by the
Tammany Society of that day, formed that

THEY ONE AND ALL TOOK TO THEIR HEELS, AND SCAMPERED OVER THE

BERGEN HILLS.

singular mound called Rattlesnake Hill,
which rises out of the centre of the salt marshes
a little to the east of the Newark Causeway.

Animated by this unlooked-for victory, our
valiant heroes sprang ashore in triumph, took
possession of the soil as conquerors, in the
name of their High Mightinesses the Lords
States-General ; and, marching fearlessly for-
ward, carried the village of Communipaw by

136

B 1bi9tori5 of IRew l^ork

storm, notwithstanding that it was vigorously
defended by some half a score of old squaws
and pappooses. On looking about them they
were so transported with the excellences of
the place, that they had very little doubt the
blessed St. Nicholas had guided them thither,
as the very spot whereon to settle their colony.
The softness of the soil was wonderfully
adapted to the driving of piles ; the swamps
and marshes around them afforded ample
opportunities for the constructing of dykes
and dams ; the shallowness of the shore was
peculiarly favorable to the building of docks ; —
in a word, this spot abounded with all the
requisites for the foundation of a great Dutch
city. On making a faithful report, therefore,
to the crew of the Goede Vrouw, they one and
all determined that this was the destined end
of their voyage. Accordingly they descended
from the Goede Vroiiw, men, women, and
children, in goodly groups, as did the animals
of yore from the ark, and formed themselves
into a thriving settlement, which they called
by the Indian name Communipaw.

As all the world is doubtless perfectly
acquainted with Communipaw, it may seem
somewhat superfluous to treat of it in the
present work ; but my readers will please to
recollect, notwithstanding it is my chief desire

(cd

Commuiupaw

137

to satisfy the present age, yet I write likewise
for posterity, and have to consult the under-
standing and curiosity of some half a score of
centuries yet to come, by which time, perhaps,
were it not for this invaluable history, the
great Communipaw, like Babylon, Carthage,
Nineveh, and other great cities, might be per-
fectly extinct, — sunk and forgotten in its own
mud, — its inhabitants turned into oysters,* and
even its situation a fertile subject of learned
controversy and hard-headed investigation
among indefatigable historians. Let me then
piously rescue from oblivion the humble relics
of a place, which was the egg from whence
was hatched the mighty city of New York !

Communipaw is at present but a small vil-
lage, pleasantly situated, among rural scenery,
on that beauteous part of the Jersey shore
which was known in ancient legends by the
name of Pavonia,t and commands a grand
prospect of the superb bay of New York. It
is within but half an hour’s sail of the latter
place, provided you have a fair wind, and may
be distinctly seen from the city. Nay, it is a
well-known fact, which I can testify from my

* “ Men by inaction degenerate into oysters.” —
Kaimes.

f Pavonia, in the ancient maps, is a tract of country
extending from about Hoboken to Amboy.

138

B 1(316101^ Of IRevv li)or{?

own experience, that on a clear, still summer
evening, you ma}^ hear, from the Battery of
New York, the obstreperous peals of broad-
mouthed laughter of the Dutch negroes at
Communipaw, who, like most other negroes,
are famous for their risible powers. This is
peculiarly the case on Sunday evenings, when,
it is remarked by an ingenious and obser\^ant
philosopher, who has made great discoveries
in the neighborhood of this city, that they
always laugh loudest, which he attributes to
the circumstance of their having their holiday
clothes on.

These negroes, in fact, like the monks of the
dark ages, engross all the knowledge of the
place, and being infinitely more adventurous
and more knowing than their masters, carry
on all the foreign trade ; making frequent
voyages to town in canoes loaded with oysters,
buttermilk, and cabbages. They are great
astrologers, predicting the different changes of
weather almost as accurately as an almanac ;
they are moreover exquisite performers on
three-stringed fiddles ; in whistling they almost
boast the far-famed powers of Orpheus’ lyre,
for not a horse or an ox in the place, when at
the plough or before the wagon, will budge a
foot until he hears the well-known whistle of
his black driver and companion. — And from

v.

9

A

Communipaw

their amazing skill at casting up accounts
upon their fingers, they are regarded with as
much veneration as were the disciples of
Pythagoras of yore, when initiated into the
sacred quaternary of numbers.

THE BROAD-MOUTHED LAUGHTER OF THE DUTCH NEGROES.

As to the honest burghers of Communipaw,
like wise men and sound philosophers, they
never look beyond their pipes, nor trouble their
heads about any affairs out of their immediate
neighborhood ; so that they live in profound
and enviable ignorance of all the troubles, anx-
ieties, and revolutions of this distracted planet.

140

21 1bi0torg of IRevv lork

I am even told that many among them do
verily believe that Holland, of which they have
heard so much from tradition, is situated some-
where on Long Island, — that Spiking -devil and
the Narrows are the two ends of the world, — that
the country is still under the dominion of their
High Mightinesses, — and that the city of New
York still goes by the name of Nieuw Amster-
dam. They meet every Saturday afternoon at
the only tavern in the place, which bears as
a sign a square-headed likeness of the Prince
of Orange, where they smoke a silent pipe,
by way of promoting social conviviality, and
invariably drink a mug of cider to the success
of Admiral Van Tromp, who they imagine is
still sweeping the British channel, with a
broom at his mast-head.

Communipaw, in short, is one of the numer-
ous little villages in the vicinit}" of this most
beautiful of cities, which are so niany strong-
holds and fastnesses, whither the primitive
manners of our Dutch forefathers have re-
treated, and where they are cherished with de-
vout and scrupulous strictness. The dress of the
original settlers is handed down inviolate, from
father to son : the identical broad-brimmed
hat, broad-skirted coat, and broad-bottomed
breeches, continue from generation to gener-
ation ; and several gigantic knee-buckles of

Communlpaw

massy silver are still in wear, that made gallant
display in the days of the patriarchs of Coni-
miinipaw. The language likewise continues
unadulterated by barbarous innovations ; and
so critically correct is the village schoolmaster
in his dialect, that his reading of a kow-Dutch
psalm has much the same effect on the nerves
as the filing of a handsaw.

Chapter HUH

IN WHICH IS SET FORTH THE TRUE ART OF MAKING
A BARGAIN — TOGETHER WITH THE MIRACUEOUS
ESCAPE OF A GREAT METROPOEIS IN A FOG — AND
THE BIOGRAPHY OF CERTAIN HEROES OF COM-
MUNIPAW.

T TT AVING, in the trifling
/Tr^ digression which con-

^ eluded the last chap-

' discharged the filial

duty which the city of
New York owed to
. Communipaw, as being

— mother settlement,
“ and having given a

faithful picture of it as
it stands at present, I return with a soothing
sentiment of self-approbation, to dwell upon
its early history. The crew of the Goede
Vrouw being soon reinforced by fresh impor-
tations from Holland, the settlement went
jollily on, increasing in magnitude and pros-
perity. The neighboring Indians in a short
time became accustomed to the uncouth sound

^iir ^raDe

of the Dutch language, and an intercourse
gradually took place between them and the new-
comers. The Indians were much given to long
talks, and the Dutch to long silence ; — in this
particular, there-
fore, they accommo- I i

dated each other V p I 4 /

completely. The viiV'nJI

chiefs would make V|

long speeches about J

the big bull, the Wa- ■

bash, and the Great

Spirit, to which the

others would listen '

smoke their pipes,

and grunt mj'n-

her^ — whereat the ' '^i

poor savages were

w o n d r o u s 1 3^ d e - ''

structed the new
settlers in the best
art of

MADE THEM DRUNK WITH TRUE

curing and
smoking tobacco,
while the latter, in return, made them drunk
with true Hollands — and then taught them the
art of making bargains.

A brisk trade for furs was soon opened ; the

HOLLANDS.

144

B Ibistorg of IRew ^ovh

Dutch traders were scrupulously honest in
their dealings, and purchased by weight, estab-
lishing it as an invariable table of avoirdupois,
that the hand of a Dutchman weighed one
pound, and his foot two pounds. It is true,
the simple Indians were often puzzled by the
great disproportion between bulk and weight,
for let them place a bundle of furs, never so
large, in one scale, and a Dutchman put his
hand or foot in the other, the bundle was sure
to kick the beam ; — never was a package of
furs known to weigh more than two pounds in
the market of Communipaw.

This is a singular fact, — but I have it direct
from my great-great-grandfather, who had
risen to considerable importance in the colony,
being promoted to the office of weigh-master,
on account of the uncommon heaviness of
his foot.

The Dutch possessions in this part of the
globe began now to assume a very thriving
appearance, and were comprehended under the
general title of Nieuw Nederlandts, on account,
as the sage Vander Donck observes, of their
great resemblance to the Dutch Netherlands, —
which indeed was truly remarkable, excepting
that the former were rugged and mountainous,
and the latter level and marshy. About this
time the tranquillity of the Dutch colonists was

146

B Ibistov^ of 1Revv l^ork

doomed to suffer a temporary" interruption. In
1614, Captain Sir Samuel Argal, sailing under
a commission from Dale, governor of Virginia,
visited the Dutch settlements on Hudson
River and demanded their submission to the
English crown and Virginian dominion. To
this arrogant demand, as they were in no con-
dition to resist it, they submitted for the time,
like discreet and reasonable men.

It does not appear that the valiant Argal
molested the settlement of Communipaw ; on
the contrary, I am told that when his vessel
first hove in sight, the worthy burghers were
seized with such a panic, that they fell to
smoking their pipes with astonishing vehe-
mence ; insomuch that they quickly raised a
cloud, which, combining with the surrounding
woods and marshes, completely enveloped and
concealed their beloved village, and overhung
the fair regions of Pavonia, — so that the terri-
ble Captain Argal passed on, totally unsuspi-
cious that a sturdy little Dutch settlement lay
snugly couched in the mud, under cover of all
this pestilent vapor. In commemoration of
this fortunate escape, the worthy inhabitants
have continued to smoke, almost without inter-
mission, unto this very day ; which is said to
be the cause of the remarkable fog which often
hangs over Communipaw of a clear afternoon.

))>-

\,

148

B Ibistor^ of mew lorf?

of his knowledge. He had originally been
one of a set of peripatetic philosophers who
passed much of their time sunning themselves
on the side of the great canal of Amsterdam
in Holland ; enjoying, like Diogenes, a free
and unencumbered estate in sunshine. His
name Kortlandt (Shortland or Dackland) was
supposed, like that of the illustrious Jean
Sansterre, to indicate that he had no layid ; but
he insisted, on the contrary, that he had great
landed estates somewhere in Terra Incognita ;
and he had come out to the new world to look
after them. He was the first great land-specu-
lator that we read of in these parts.

Like all land-speculators, he was much given
to dreaming. Never did anything extraordi-
nary happen at Communipaw but he declared
that he had previously dreamt it, being one of
those infallible prophets who predict events
after they have come to pass. This superna-
tural gift was as highly valued among the
burghers of Pavonia as among the enlightened
nations of antiquity. The wise Ulysses was
more indebted to his sleeping than his waking
moments for his subtle achievements, and sel-
dom undertook any great exploit without first
soundly sleeping upon it ; and the same may be
said of Oloffe Van Kortlandt, who was thence
aptly denominated Oloffe the Dreamer.

©Ioffe Dan IkortlanDt

149

As yet his dreams and speculations had
turned to little personal profit ; and he was as
much a lack-land as ever. Still he carried a
high head in the community ; if his sugar-loaf
hat was rather the worse for wear, he set it off
with a taller cock’s-tail ; if his shirt was none
of the cleanest, he puffed it out the more at the
bosom ; and if the tail of it peeped out of a hole
in his breeches, it at least proved that it really
had a tail and was not mere ruffle.

The worthy Van Kortlandt, in the council
in question, urged the policj^ of emerging from
the swamps of Communipaw and seeking some
more eligible site for the seat of empire. Such,
he said,, was the advice of the good St.
Nicholas, who had appeared to him in a dream
the night before ; and whom he had known by
his broad hat, his long pipe, and the resem-
blance which he bore to the figure on the bow
of the Goede Vrouw.

Many have thought this dream was a mere
invention of Oloffe Van Kortlandt, who, it is
said, had ever regarded Communipaw with an
evil eye because he had arrived there after all
the land had been shared out, and who was
anxious to change the seat of empire to some
new place, where he might be present at the
distribution of “ town lots.” But we must not
give heed to such insinuations, which are too

150

B 1bi3tori? of 1Rcw l^ork

apt to be advanced against those worthy gen-
tlemen engaged in laying out towns, and in
other land-speculations. For my own part, I
am disposed to place the same implicit faith in
the vision of Oloffe the Dreamer that was mani-
fested by the honest burghers of Communipaw,
who one and all agreed that an expedition
should be forthwith fitted out to go on a voy-
age of discovery in quest of a new seat of
empire.

This perilous enterprise was to be conducted
by Oloffe himself ; who chose as lieutenants or
coadjutors Mynheers Abraham Harden Broeck,
Jacobus Van Zandt, andWinant Ten Broeck, —
three indubitably great men, but of whose
history, although I have made diligent inquiry,
I can learn but little previous to their leaving
Holland. Nor need this occasion much sur-
prise ; for adventurers, like prophets, though
they make great noise abroad, have seldom
much celebrity in their own countries ; but this
much is certain, that the overflowings and off-
scourings of a country are invariably com-
posed of the richest parts of the soil. And
here I cannot help remarking how convenient
it would be to many of our great men and great
families of doubtful origin, could they have the
privilege of the heroes of yore, who, whenever
their oirgin was involved in obscurity, modestly

:) 0

Dan

151

announced themselves descended from a god,
— and who never visited a foreign country but
what they told some cock-and-bull stories about
their being kings and princes at home. This
venal trespass on the truth, though it has been
occasionally played off by some pseudo-mar-
quis, baronet, and other illustrious foreigner,
in our land of good-natured credulity, has been
completely discountenanced in this skeptical,
matter-of-fact age ; and I even question
whether any tender virgin, who was acciden-
tally and unaccountably enriched with a
bantling, would save her character at parlor
firesides and evening tea-parties b}^ ascribing
the phenomenon to a swan, a shower of gold,
or a river god.

Had I the benefit of mythology and classic
fable above alluded to, I should have furnished
the first of the trio with a pedigree equal to
that of the proudest hero of antiquity. His
name. Van Zandt, that is to from the saiid,
or, in common parlance, from the dirt, gave
reason to suppose that, like Triptolemus,
Themes, the Cyclops, and the Titans, he had
sprung from Dame Terra, on the earth ! This
supposition is strongly corroborated by his size,
for it is well known that all the progeny of
mother earth were of a gigantic stature ; and
Van Zandt, we are told, was a tall, raw-boned

ro

152

B fbistor^ of IRevv

man, above six feet high, with an astonish-
ingly hard head. Nor is this origin of the il-
lustrious Van Zandt a whit more improbable or
repugnant to belief than what is related and
universally admitted of certain of our greatest,
or rather richest men ; who, we are told with
the utmost gravity, did originally spring from
a dunghill !

Of the second of the trio but faint accounts
have reached to this time, which mention that
he was a sturdy, obstinate, worrying, bustling
little man ; and, from being usually equipped
in an old pair of buckskins, was familiarly
dubbed Harden Broeck ; that is to sa}", Hard in
the Breech, or, as it was generally rendered,
Tough Breeches.

Ten Broeck completed this junto of adven-
turers. It is a singular but ludicrous fact, —
which, were I not scrupulous in recording the
whole truth, I should almost be tempted to
pass over in silence as incompatible with the
gravity and dignity of histor}^ — that this
worthy gentleman should likewise have been
nicknamed from what in modern times is
considered the most ignoble part of the
dress. But in truth the small-clothes seems
to have been a ver}" dignified garment in
the eyes of our venerated ancestors, in all
probability from its covering that part of the

^Ten JBroccf?

body jvhich has been pronounced ‘ ‘ the seat
of honor.”

The name of Ten Broeck, or, as it was
sometimes spelled, Tin Broeck, has been in-

TOUGH BREECHES.

differently translated into Ten Breeches and
Tin Breeches. Certain elegant and ingenious
writers on the subject declare in favor of Tin
or rather Thin Breeches ; whence they infer

vl

a

154

B Ibistori? of IRcvv ^ov\\

that the original bearer of it was a poor but
merry rogue, whose galligaskins were none of
the soundest, and who, peradventure, may
have been the author of that truly philo-
sophical stanza : —

“Then why should we quarrel for riches.

Or any such glittering toys ;

A light heart and thin pair of breeches^

Will go through the world, my brave boys ! ”

The more accurate commentators, however,
declare in favor of the other reading, and af-
firm that the worthy in question was a burly,
bulbous man, who, in sheer ostentation of his
venerable progenitors, was the first to intro-
duce into the settlement the ancient Dutch
fashion of ten pair of breeches.

Such was the trio of coadjutors chosen by
Oloffe the Dreamer to accompany him in this
voyage into unknown realms ; as to the names
of his crews, they have not been handed down
by history.

Having, as I before observ^ed, passed much
of his life in the open air, among the peripa-
tetic philosophers of Amsterdam, Oloffe had
become familiar with the aspect of the heav-
ens, and could as accurately determine when
a storm was brewing or a squall rising, as a
dutiful husband can foresee, from the brow of

'll

Ipreparatione for tbc Do^aGC

his spouse, when a tempest is gathering about
his ears. Having pitched upon a time for his
voyage when the skies appeared propitious,
he exhorted all his crews to take a good
night’s rest, wind up their family affairs, and
make their wills ; precautions taken by our
forefathers even in after-times when they
became more adventurous, and voyaged to
Haverstraw, or Kaatskill, or Groodt Ksopus,
or any other far country, beyond the great
waters of the Tappaan Zee.

Cbapter HID,

HOW THE HEROES OF COMMUNIPAW VOYAGED TO
HEEE-GATE, AND HOW THEY WERE
RECEIVED THERE.

ND now the rosy blush of
morn began to mantle
i - aV- soon

the rising sun, emer-
from amidst golden
purple clouds, shed
his blithesome rays on
weathercocks of
^ Communipaw. It was
that delicious season of
the year, when nature, breaking from the
chilling thraldom of old winter, like a bloom-
ing damsel from the tyranny of a sordid old
father, threw herself, blushing with ten thou-
sand charms, into the arms of youthful spring.
Every tufted copse and blooming grove re-
sounded with the notes of hymeneal love.
The very insects, as the}" sipped the dew that
gemmed the tender grass of the meadows.

B 1bistori5 of IRew l^ork

multitude of relatives and friends, who all went
down, as the common phrase expresses it, “ to
see them off.” And this shows the antiquity,
of those long family processions, often seen in
our city, composed of all ages, sizes, and sexes
laden with bundles and bandboxes, escorting
some bevy of country cousins, about to depart
for home in a market-boat.

The good Oloffe bestowed his forces in a
squadron of three canoes, and hoisted his flag
on board a little round Dutch boat, shaped not
unlike a tub, which had formerly been the
jolly-boat of the Goede Vrouw. And now, all
being embarked, they bade farewell to the gaz-
ing throng upon the beach, who continued
shouting after them, even when out of hearing,
wishing them a happy voyage, advising them
to take good care of themselves, not to get
drowned, with an abundance other of those
sage and invaluable cautions, generally given
by landsmen to such as go down to the sea in
ships, and adventure upon the deep w^aters.
In the meanwhile the voyagers cheerily urged
their course across the crystal bosom of the
bay, and soon left behind them the green shores
of ancient Pavonia.

And first they touched at two small islands
which lay nearly opposite Communipaw, and
which are said to have been brought into ex-

1bow tbe 1[6lanb6 Came

istence about the time of the great irruption of
the Hudson, when it broke through the High-
lands and made its way to the ocean.* For in
this tremendous uproar of the waters, we are
told that many huge fragments of rock and
land were rent from the mountains and swept
down by this runaway river, for sixty or sev-
enty miles ; where some of them ran aground

THEY BADE FAREWELL TO THE GAZING THRONG UPON THE BEACH.

on the shoals just opposite Communipaw, and
formed the identical islands in question, while
others drifted out to sea, and were never heard
of more ! A sufficient proof of the fact is, that
* It is a matter long since established by certain of
our philosophers, — that is to say, having been often
advanced, and never contradicted, it has grown to be
pretty nigh equal to a settled fact, — that the Hudson

ICa?

i6o B 1bi8tor^ of IRcw l^ork

the rock which forms the basis of these islands
is exactl}^ similar to that of the Highlands, and,
moreover, one of our philosophers, who has
diligently compared the agreement of their
respective surfaces, has even gone so far as to
assure me, in confidence, that Gibbet Island
was originally nothing more nor less then a
wart on Anthony’s Nose.*

Leaving these wonderful little isles, they
next coasted by Governor’s Island since terrible
from its frowning fortress and grinning batter-
ies. They would by no means, however, land
upon this island, since they doubted much it
might be the abode of demons and spirits,
which in those days did greatly abound
throughout this savage and pagan country.

Just at this time a shoal of jolly porpoises
came rolling and tumbling by, turning up

was originally a lake dammed up by the mountains of
the Highlands. In process of time, however, becom-
ing very mighty and obstreperous, and the mountains
waxing pursy, dropsical, and weak in the back, by
reason of their extreme old age, it suddenly rose upon
them, and after a violent struggle effected its escape.
This is said to have come to pass in very remote time,
probably before rivers had lost the art of running
uphill. The foregoing is a theory in which I do not
pretend to be skilled, notwithstanding that I do fully
give it my belief.

* A promontory in the Highlands.

B IbappB ©men

their sleek sides to the sun, and spouting up
the briny element in sparkling showers. No
sooner did the sage Oloffe mark this, than he
was greatly rejoiced. “This,” exclaimed he,
“ if I mistake not, augurs well : the porpoise
is a fat, well-conditioned fish, — a burgomaster

A SHOAL OF JOLLY PORPOISES CAME ROLLING AND TUMBLING BY.

among fishes, — his looks betoken ease, plenty,
and prosperity ; I greatly admire this round fat
fish, and doubt not but this is a happy omen
of the success of our undertaking.” So saying,
he directed his squadron to steer in the track of
these alderman fishes.

Turning, therefore, directly to the left, they

VOL. I. — II

i62

B 1bistori5 of flew l^ork

swept up the strait vulgarly called East River.,
And here the rapid tide which courses through
this strait, seizing on the gallant tub in w^hich
Commodore Van Kortlandt had embarked,
hurried it forward with a velocity unparalleled
in a Dutch boat, navigated by Dutchmen ; in-
somuch that the good commodore, who had all
his life long been accustomed only to the drowsy
navigation of canals, was more than ever con-
vinced that they were in the hands of some
supernatural power, and that the jolly por-
poises were towing them to some fair haven
that was to fulfil all their wishes and expecta-
tions.

Thus borne away by the resistless current,
they doubled that boisterous point of land since
called Corlear’s Hook * and leaving to the right
the rich winding cove of the Wallabout, they
drifted into a magnificent expanse of water,
surrounded by pleasant shores, whose verdure
was exceedingly refreshing to the e3"e. While
the voyagers were looking around them, on
what they conceived to be a serene and sunny
lake, they beheld at a distance a crew of painted
savages, busily employed in fishing, who seemed
more like the genii of this romantic region, —
their slender canoe lightly balanced like a_
feather on the undulated surface of the bay.

* Properly spelt hoeck {i. e., a point of land).

S}

•ff^enOrick 1kip

At sight of these the hearts of the heroes of
Communipaw were not a little troubled. But
as good fortune would have it, at the bow of
the commodore’s boat was stationed a very

AND TURNING AWAY HIS HEAD, FIRED IT MOST INTREPIDLY IN THE FACE

OF THE 3LESSFD SUN.

valiant man, named Hendrick Kip (which,
being interpreted, means chicken, a name given
him in token of his courage). No sooner did
he behold these varlet heathens than he trem-

ly-

\

164

B Ibietors of IRew J^orl^

bled with excessive valor, and although a good
half-mile distant, he seized a musketoon that
lay at hand, and turning away his head, fired
it most intrepidly in the face of the blessed
sun. The blundering weapon recoiled and
gave the valiant Kip an ignominious kick,
which laid him prostrate with uplifted heels
in the bottom of the boat. But such was the
effect of this tremendous fire, that the wild men
of the woods, struck with consternation, seized
hastily upon their paddles, and shot away into
one of the deep inlets of the Long Island shore.

This signal victory gave new spirits to the
voyagers ; and in honor of the achievement
they gave the name of the valiant Kip to the
surrounding ba}', and it has continued to be
called Kip’s Ba}^ from that time to the present.
The heart of the good Van Kortlandt — who,
having no land of his own, was a great admirer
of other people’s — expanded to the full size of a
pepper-corn at the sumptuous prospect of rich
unsettled country around him, and falling into
a delicious revery, he straightway began to riot
in the possession of vast meadows of salt
marsh and interminable patches of cabbages.
From this delectable vision he was all at once
awakened by the sudden turning of the tide,
which would soon have hurried him from this
land of promise, had not the discreet navigator

'-''v

I

' 1)

U 2)i6CU06lon

[65

given signal to steer for shore ; where they
accordingly landed hard by the rocky heights
of Bellevue, — that happy retreat, where our
jolly alderman eat for the good of the city, and
fatten the turtle that are sacrificed on civic
solemnities.

Here, seated on the greensward, by the side
of a small stream that ran sparkling among the
grass, they refreshed themselves after the toils
of the seas, by feasting lustily on the ample
stores which they had provided for this perilous
voyage. Thus having well fortified their
deliberative powers, they fell into an earnest
consultation, what was further to be done.
This was the first council-dinner ever eaten at
Bellevue by Christian burghers ; and here, as
tradition relates, did originate the great family
feud between the Harden Broecks and the
Ten Broecks, which afterwards had a singular
influence on the building of the city. The
sturdy Harden Broeck, whose eyes had been
wondrously delighted with the salt marshes
which spread their reeking bosoms along the
coast, at the bottom of Kip’s Bay, counselled
by all means to return thither, and found the
intended city. This was strenuously opposed
by the unbending Ten Broeck, and many testy
arguments passed between them. The partic-
ulars of this controversy have not reached us.

i66

21 Iblstor^ of Bew ^ovn

which is ever to be lamented ; this much is cer-
tain, that the sage OlofFe put an end to the dis-
pute by determining to explore still farther in
the route which the mysterious porpoises had
so clearly pointed out ; — whereupon the sturdy
Tough Breeches abandoned the expedition,
took possession of a neighboring hill, and in
a fit of great wrath peopled all that tract of
countr)^, which has continued to be inhabited
by the Harden Broecks unto this ver}" day.

By this time the jolly Phoebus, like some
wanton urchin sporting on the side of a green
hill, began to roll down the declivity of the
heavens ; and now, the tide having once more
turned in their favor, the Pavonians again
committed themselves to its discretion, and
coasting along the western shores, were borne
towards the straits of Blackwell’s Island.

And here the capricious wanderings of
the current occasioned not a little marvel
and perplexity to these illustrious mariners.
Now would they be caught by the wanton
eddies, and, sweeping round a jutting point,
would wind deep into some romantic little cove,
that indented the fair island of Mannahatta ;
now were they hurried narrowly by the very
bases of impending rocks, mantled with the
flaunting grape-vine, and crowned with groves
which threw a broad shade on the waves

./

‘Wllitcbing Scenes

167

beneath ; and anon they were borne away into
the mid-channel and wafted along with a
rapidity that very much discomposed the sage
Van Kortlandt, who, as he saw the land swiftly
receding on either side, began exceedingly to
doubt that terra firma was giving them the
slip.

Wherever the voyagers turned their eyes, a
new creation seemed to bloom around. No
signs of human thrift appeared to check the
delicious wildness of nature, who here revelled
in all her luxuriant variety. Those hills, now
bri.stled, like the fretful porcupine, with rows
of poplars, (vain upstart plants ! minions of
wealth and fashion !) were then adorned with*
the vigorous natives of the soil : the lordly oak,
the generous chestnut, the graceful elm, —
while here and there the tulip-tree reared its
majestic head, the giant of the forest. Where
now are seen the gay retreats of luxury, —
villas half buried in twilight bowers, whence
the amorous flute oft breathes the sighings of
some city swain, — there the flsh-hawk built his
• solitary nest on some dry tree that overlooked
his watery domain. The timid deer fed undis-
turbed along those shores now hallowed by
the lovers’ moonlight walk, and printed by the
slender foot of beauty ; and a savage solitude
-extended over those happy regions, where now

\4

are reared the stately towers of the Joneses, the
Schermerhornes, and the Rhinelanders.

Thus gliding in silent wonder through these
new and unknown scenes, the gallant squadron
of Pavonia swept by the foot of a promontory,
which strutted forth boldly into the waves,
and seemed to frown upon them as they brawled
against its base. This is the bluff well known
to modern mariners by the name of Gracie’s
Point, from the fair castle which, like an ele-
phant, it carries upon its back. And here
broke upon their view a wild and varied pros-
pect, where land and water were beauteously
intermingled, as though they had combined to
heighten and set off each other’s charms. To
the right la}^ the sedgy point of Blackwell’s
Island, dressed in the fresh garniture of living
green, — beyond it stretched the pleasant coast
of Sundswick, and the small harbor well known
by the name of Hallet’s Cove, — a place infa-
mous in latter days, by reason of its being the
haunt of pirates who infest these seas, robbing
orchards and watermelon patches, and insult-
ing gentlemen navigators, when voyaging in
their pleasure-boats. To the left a deep bay,
or rather creek, gracefully receded between
shores fringed with forests, and forming a kind
of vista, through which were beheld the sylvan
regions of Haerlem, Morrisania, and East

^0!

‘imiltcbing Scenes

Chester. Here the eye reposed with delight
on a richly wooded country, diversified by
tufted knolls, shadowy intervals, and waving
lines of upland, swelling above each other,
while over the whole the purple mists of
spring diffused a hue of soft voluptuousness.

ALONG THOSE SHORES.

Just before them the grand course of the
stream, making a sudden bend, wound among
embowered promontories and shores of emerald
verdure, that seemed to melt into the wave. A
character of gentleness and mild fertility pre-

170

B Ibistors ot IRcvv

vailed around. The sun had just descended,
and the thin haze of twilight, like a transparent
veil drawn over the bosom of virgin beauty,
heightened the charms which it half con-
cealed.

Ah ! witching scenes of foul delusion. Ah !
hapless voyagers, gazing with simple wonder
on these Circean shores ! Such, alas ! are
they, poor easy souls, who listen to the seduc-
tions of a wicked world, — treacherous are its
smiles ! fatal its caresses. He who yields to
its enticements launches upon a whelming tide,
and trusts his feeble bark among the dimpling
eddies of a whirlpool ! And thus it fared with
the worthies of Pavonia, who, little mistrusting
the guileful scenes before them, drifted quietly
on, until they were aroused by an uncommon
tossing and agitation of their vessels. For now
the late dimpling current began to brawl around
them, and the waves to boil and foam with
horrific fury. Awakened as if from a dream,
the astonished OlofFe bawled aloud to put
about, but his words were lost amid the roar-
ing of the waters. And now ensued a scene
•of direful consternation. At one time they
were borne with dreadful velocity among tu-
multuous breakers ; at another, hurried down
boisterous rapids. Now they were nearly
dashed upon the Hen and Chickens (infamous

'a

172

B Ibistor^ of IRew l^orft

rocks ! — more voracious than Scylla and her
whelps), and anon they seemed sinking into
yawning gulfs, that threatened to entomb them
beneath the waves. All the elements combined
to produce a hideous confusion. The waters
raged, the winds howled ; and as they were
hurried along, several of the astonished mari-
ners beheld the rocks and trees of the neighbor-
ing shores driving through the air !

At length the mighty tub of Commodore
Van Kortlandt was drawn into the vortex of
that tremendous whirlpool called the Pot,
where it was whirled about in giddy mazes,
until the senses of the good commander and
his crew were overpowered by the horror of the
scene, and the strangeness of the revolution.

How the gallant squadron of Pavonia was
snatched from the jaws of this, modern Cha-
rybdis, has never been truly made known, for
so many survived to tell the tale, and, what is
still more wonderful, told it in so many differ-
ent ways, that there has ever prevailed a great
variety of opinions on the subject.

As to the commodore and his crew, when
they came to their senses, they found them-
selves stranded on the Long Island .shore.
The worthy commodore, indeed, used to relate
many and wonderful stories of his adventures
in this time of peril : how that he saw spectres

flying in the air, and heard the yelling of
hobgoblins, and put his hand into the pot
when they were whirled round, and found the
water scalding hot, and beheld several uncouth-
looking beings seated on rocks and skimming
it with huge ladles ; but particularly he declared
with great exultation, that he saw the losel

THE DEVIL SITTING ASTRIDE OF THE HOG’S BACK AND PLAYING ON A FIDDLE,

porpoises, which had betra3^ed them into this
peril, some broiling on the Gridiron, and others
hissing on the Frying-pan !

These, however, were considered by many
as mere fantasies of the commodore, while he

174

B Ibistor^ of Bew lork

lay in a trance ; especially as lie was known to
be given to dreaming ; and the truth of them
has never been clearly ascertained. It is cer-
tain, however, that to the accounts of Oloffe
and his followers may be traced the various,
traditions handed down of this marvellous
strait : as how the devil has been seen there,
sitting astride of the Hog’s Back and playing
on the fiddle,— how he broils fish there before
a storm ; and many other stories in which we
must be cautious of putting too much faith.
In consequence of all these terrific circum-
stances, the Pavonian commander gave this
pass the name of Helle-gat, or, as it has been
interpreted, Hell-Gate'^ ; which it continues to
bear at the present day.

* This is a narrow strait in the Sound, at the dis-
tance of six miles above New York. It is dangerous
to shipping, unless under the care of skilful pilots,
by reason of numerous rocks, shelves, and whirlpools.
These have received sundry appellations, such as the
Gridiron, Frying-pan, Hog’s Back, Pot, etc., and are
very violent and turbulent at certain times of tide.
Certain mealy-mouthed men, of squeamish conscien-
ces, who are loth to give the Devil his due, have
softened the above characteristic name into Hurl-
gate^ forsooth ! Let those take care how they venture
into the Gate, or they may be hurled into the Pot
before they are aware of it. The name of this strait,
as given by our author, is supported by the map in

Vander Donck’s History, published in 1656, — by
Ogilvie’s History of America, 1671, — as also by a
journal still extant, written in the sixteenth century,
and to be found in Hazard’s State Papers. And an
old MS. written in French, speaking of various
alterations in names about this city, observes, “ De
Hell-gate, trou d’Eufer ils ont fait Hell-gate, Porte
d’Enfer.”

Chapter ID.

HOW THK HEROES OE COMMUNIPAW RETURNED
SOMEWHAT WISER THAN THEY WENT — AND HOW
THE SAGE OEOFFE DREAMED A DREAM — AND THE
DREAM THAT HE DREAMED.

' ' sailed with the raging

of the elements, and
the howling of the hob-
goblins that infested this perfidious strait. But
when the morning dawned, the horrors of the
preceding evening had passed away ; rapids,
breakers, and whirlpools had disappeared ; the
stream again ran smooth and dimpling, and
having changed its tide, rolled gently back,
towards the quarter where lay their much-
regretted home.

Zbc jfatc of tbe ^travellers

177

The woe-begone heroes of Communipaw
eyed each other with rueful countenances ;
their squadron had been totally dispersed by
the late disaster. Some were cast upon the
western shore, where, headed by one Ruleff
Hopper, they took possession of all the coun-
try l3dng about the six-mile stone ; which is
held by the Hoppers at this present writing.

The Waldrons were driven by strevSS of
weather to a distant coast, where, having with
them a jug of genuine Hollands, they were
enabled to conciliate the savages, setting up a
kind of tavern ; whence, it is said, did spring
the fair town of Haerlem, in which their de-
scendants have ever since continued to be
reputable publicans. As to the Suydams, they
were thrown upon the lyong Island coast, and
may still be found in those parts. But the
most singular luck attended the great Ten
Broeck, who, falling overboard, was miracu-
lously preserved from sinking by the multi-
tude of his nether garments. Thus buoyed
up, he floated on the waves like a merman, or
like an angler’s dobber, until he landed safely
on a rock, where he was found the next morn-
ing, busily drying his many breeches in the
sunshine.

I forbear to treat of the long consultation
of Oloffe with his remaining followers, in

VOL. I — 12

178

B Ibistor^ of IRew lorft

which they determined that it would never
do to found a city in so diabolical a neigh-
borhood. Suffice it in simple brevity to say,
that they once more committed themselves,
with fear and trembling, to the briny ele-
ments, and steered their course back again
through the scenes of their yesterday’s voy-
age, determined no longer to roam in search
of distant sites, but to settle themselves down
in the marshy regions of Pavonia.

Scarce, however, had they gained a distant
view of Communipaw, when they were en-
countered by an obstinate eddy, which opposed
their homeward voyage. Weary and dispirited
as the}^ were, they yet tugged a feeble oar
against the stream ; until, as if to settle the
strife, half a score of potent billows rolled the
tub of Commodore Van Kortlandt high and
dry on the long point of an island which di-
vided the bosom of the bay.

Some pretend that these billows were sent
by old Neptune to strand the expedition on a
spot whereon was to be founded his stronghold
in this western world ; others, more pious, at-
tribute everything to the guardianship of the
good St. Nicholas ; and after-events will be
found to corroborate this opinion. Oloffe Van
Kortlandt was a devout trencherman. Every
repast was a kind of religious rite with him ;

B Solemn JBanauct

and his first thought on finding himself once
more on dry ground, was, how he should con-
trive to celebrate his wonderful escape from Hell-
gate and all its horrors by a solemn banquet.
The stores which had been provided for the
voyage by the good housewives of Communipaw

TEN BROECK DRYING HIS BREECHES.

were nearly exhausted, but, in casting his eyes
about, the commodore beheld that the shore
abounded with oysters. A great store of
these was instantly collected ; a fire was made
at the foot of a tree ; all hands fell to roasting
and broiling and stewing and frying, and a

LV.

sumptuous repast was soon set forth. This
is thought to be the origin of those civic
feasts with which, to the present day, all our
public affairs are celebrated, and in which the
03'ster is ever sure to play an important part.

On the present occasion, the worthy Van
Kortlandt was observed to be particularly
zealous in his devotions to the trencher ; for
having the cares of the expedition especiall}^
committed to his care, he deemed it incumbent
on him to eat profoundly for the public good.
In proportion as he filled himself to the very
brim with the dainty viands before him, did
the heart of this excellent burgher rise up
towards his throat, until he seemed crammed
and almost choked with good eating and good-
nature. And at such times it is, when a man’s
heart is in his throat, that he may more truly
be said to speak from it, and his speeches
abound with kindness and good fellowship.
Thus having swallowed the last possible mor-
sel, and washed it down with a fervent pota-
tion, Oloffe felt his heart yearning, and his
whole frame in a manner dilating with un-
bounded benevolence. Everything around
him seemed excellent and delightful ; and
laying his hands on each side of his capaciousV
periphery, and rolling his half-closed eyes
around on the beautiful diversity of land and

©loffe'0 Strange Dream

water before him, he exclaimed, in a fat half-
smothered voice, “ What a charming pros-
pect ! ’ ’ The words died away in his throat,
— he seemed to ponder on the fair scene for a
moment, — his eyelids heavily closed over their

IN DIM OBSCURITY HE SAW SHADOWED OUT PALACES AND DOMES AND
LOFTY SPIRES.”

orbs, — his head drooped upon his bosom, — he
slowly sank upon the green turf, and a deep
sleep stole gradually over him.

And the sage Oloffe dreamed a dream, — and
lo, the good St. Nicholas came riding over the
tops of the trees, in that self-same wagon
wherein he brings his yearly presents to chil-

c

^v-

('

-3'

182

B 1bl9tor^ of IRew l^ort?

dren, and he descended hard by where the
heroes of Communipaw had made their late
repast. And he lit his pipe by the fire, and
sat himself down and smoked ; and as he
smoked, the smoke from his pipe ascended
into the air and spread like a cloud overhead.
And Oloffe bethought him, and he hastened
and climbed up to the top of one of the tall-
est trees, and saw that the smoke spread over
a great extent of country ; and as he consid-
ered it more attentivel}^, he fancied that the
great volume of smoke assumed a variety of
marvellous forms, where in dim obscurity he
saw shadowed out palaces and domes and lofty
spires, all of which lasted but a moment, and
then faded away, until the whole rolled off,
and nothing but the green woods were left.
And when St. Nicholas had smoked his pipe,
he twisted it in his hatband, and laying his fin-
ger beside his nose, gave the astonished Van
Kortlandt a very significant look ; then, mount-
ing his wagon, he returned over the tree-tops
and disappeared.

And Van Kortlandt awoke from his sleep
greatly instructed ; and he aroused his com-
panions and related to them his dream, and
interpreted it, that it was the will of St. Nicho-
las that they should settle down and build the
city here ; and that the smoke of the pipe was

B 1bapp^ IRetuni

183

a type how vast would be the extent of the
city, inasmuch as the volumes of its smoke
would spread over a wide extent of country.
And they all with one voice assented to this
interpretation, excepting Mynheer Ten Broeck,
who declared the meaning to be that it would
be a city wherein a little fire would occasion
a great smoke, or, in other words, a very va-
poring little city ; — both which interpretations
have strangely come to pass !

The great object of their perilous expedition,
therefore, being thus happily accomplished,
the voyagers returned merrily to Communi-
paw — where they were received with great
rejoicings. And here, calling a general meet-
ing of all the wise men and the dignitaries of
Pavonia, they related the whole history of
their voyage, and of the dream of Oloffe Van
Kortlandt. And the people lifted up their
voices and blessed the good St. Nicholas ; and
from that time forth the sage Van Kortlandt
was held in more honor than ever, for his
great talent at dreaming, and was pronounced
a most useful citizen and a right good man —
when he was asleep.

I

Chapter IDU

CONTAINING AN ATTEMPT AT ETYMOEOGY — AND OF
THE FOUNDING OF THE GREAT CITY
OF NEW AMSTERDAM.

HE original name of
the island, whereon the
squadron of Communi-
paw was thus propi-
tiously thrown, is a mat-
ter of some dispute, and
has already undergone
considerable vitiation, —
a melancholy proof of
the instability of all sub-
and the

lunary things,
vanity of all our hopes of lasting fame ; for
who can expect his name will live to posterity,
when even the names of mighty islands are
thus soon lost in contradiction and uncer-
tainty !

The name most current at the present day,
and which is likewise countenanced by the
great historian Vander Donck, is Manhat-

lDariou0 JEt^moloQies

185

TAN ; which is said to have originated in a
custom among the squaws, in the early settle-
tlement, of wearing men’s hats, as is still done
among many tribes. “ Hence,” as we are told
by an old governor who was somewhat of a
wag, and flourished almost a century since,
and had paid a visit to the wits of Phil-
adelphia,— “hence arose the appellation of
man-hat-on, first given to the Indians, and
afterwards to the island,” — a stupid joke !
but well enough for a governor.

Among the more venerable sources of in-
formation on this subject is that valuable
history of the American possessions, written
by Master Richard Blome, in 1687, wherein
it is called Manhadaes and Manahanent ; nor
must I forget the excellent little book, full
of precious matter, of that authentic historian
John Josselyn, Gent., who expressly calls it
Manadaes.

Another etymology, still more ancient, and
sanctioned by the countenance of our ever-to-
be-lamented Dutch ancestors, is that found in
certain letters still extant, * which passed
between the early governors and their neigh-
boring powers, wherein it is called indiffer-
ently Monhattoes, Munhatos, and Manhattoes,
which are evidently unimportant variations of
* Vide^ Hazard’s Col. Slat. Pap.

1 86

B Ibietorg of Bew l^orft

the same name ; for our wise forefathers set
little store by those niceties either in orthog-
raphy or orthoepy, which form the sole study
and ambition of many learned men and women
of this hypercritical age. This last name is
said to be derived from the great Indian
spirit Manetho, who was supposed to make
this island his favorite abode, on account of
its uncommon delights. For the Indian tradi-
tions affirm that the bay was once a translucid
lake, filled with silver and golden fish, in the
midst of which lay this beautiful island, cov-
ered with every variety of fruits and flowers ;
but that the sudden irruption of the Hudson
laid waste these blissful scenes, and Manetho
took his flight beyond the great waters of
Ontario.

These, however, are very fabulous legends, to
which very cautious credence must be given ;
and though I am willing to admit the last-
quoted orthography of the name as very fit for
prose, yet is there another which I peculiarly
delight in, as at once poetical, melodious, and
significant, and which we have on the au-
thority of Master Juet, who, in his account
of the voyage of the great Hudson, calls this
Manna-hata, that is to say, the island of
manna, or, in other words, a land flowing with
milk and honey.

I')

IDarious Bti^molOQics

Still, my deference to the learned obliges me
to notice the opinion of the worthy Dominie
Heckwelder, which ascribes the name to a
great drunken bout held on the island by the

MASTER JUET.

Dutch discoverers, whereat they made certain
of the natives most ecstatically drunk for
the first time in their lives ; who, being de-
lighted with their jovial entertainment, gave

B Ibistor^ of IRcw l^ork

the place the name of Mannahattanink, that
is to say, The Island of Jolly Topers : a name
which it continues to merit to the present
day.*

* MSS. of the Rev. John Heckwelder, in the ar-
chives of the New York Historical Society.

Chapter MU

HOW THK PEOPLE OF PAVONIA MIGRATED FROM
COMMUNIPAW TO THE ISLAND OF MANNA-HATA —
AND HOW OLOFFE THE DREAMER PROVED HIMSELF
A GREAT LAND-SPECULATOR.

h r' T having been solemnly
resolved that the seat
( ' ^ of empire should be re-

moved from the green
f \!> shores of Pavonia to

the pleasant island of
/{^ Manna-hata, everybody

/ 1' I / 1 was anxious to embark

under the standard of
Oloffe the Dreamer, and
to be among the first
sharers of the promised land. A day was ap-
pointed for the grand migration, and on that
day little Communipaw was in a buzz and a
bustle like a hive in swarming-time. Houses
were turned inside out and stripped of the
venerable furniture which had come from
Holland ; all the community, great and small.

' V

black and white, man, woman, and child, was
in commotion, forming lines from the houses
to the water-side, like lines of ants from an
ant-hill ; everybody laden w’ith vSome article of
household furniture ; while busy house-wives
plied backwards and forwards along the lines,
helping everything forward by the nimbleness
of their tongues.

By degrees a fleet of boats and canoes were
piled up with all kinds of household articles :
ponderous tables ; chests of drawers resplendent
with brass ornaments ; quaint corner-cup-
boards ; beds and bedsteads ; with any quan-
tity of pots, kettles, fr^dng-pans, and Dutch
ovens. In each boat embarked a whole family,
from the robustious burgher down to the cats
and dogs and little negroes. In this way they
set off across the mouth of the Hudson, under
the guidance of Oloffe the Dreamer, who
hoisted his standard on the leading boat.

This memorable migration took place on the
first of May, and was long cited in tradition as
the grand movmg. The anniversary of it was
piously observed among the ‘ ‘ sons of the pil-
grims of Communipaw,” by turning their
houses topsy-turvy and carrying all the furni-
ture through the streets, in emblem of the
swarming of the parent-hive ; and this is the
real origin of the universal agitation and

‘ ‘ moving ’ ’ by which this most restless of cities
is literally turned out of doors on every Ma}'-
day.

As the little squadron from Communipaw
drew near to the shores of Manna-hata, a sachem,
at the head of a band of warriors, appeared to
oppose their landing. Some of the most zeal-
ous of the pilgrims were for chastising this
insolence with powder and ball, according to
the approved mode of discoverers ; but the
sage Oloffe gave them the significant sign of
St. Nicholas, laying his finger beside his nose
and winking hard with one eye ; whereupon
his followers perceived that there was something
sagacious in the wind. He now addressed the
Indians in the blandest terms ; and made such
tempting display of beads, hawks’ -bells, and
red blankets, that he was soon permitted to
land, and a great land-speculation ensued.
And here let me give the true story of the
original purchase of the site of this renowned
city, about which so much has been said and
written. Some affirm that the first cost was
but sixty guilders. The learned Dominie
Heckwelder records a tradition* that the Dutch
discoverers bargained for only so much land as
the hide of a bullock would cover ; but that

* MSS. of the Rev. John Heckwelder; New York
Historical Society.

0

they cut the hide in strips no thicker than a
child’s finger, so as to take in a large portion
of land, and to take in the Indians into the
bargain. This, however, is an old fable which
the worthy Dominie may have borrowed from
antiquity. The true version is, that Oloffe
Van Kortlandt bargained for just so much
land as a man could cover with his nether gar-
ments. The terms being concluded, he pro-
duced his friend Mynheer Ten Broeck as the
man whose breeches were to be used in
measurement. The simple savages, whose
ideas of man’s nether garments had never
expanded beyond the dimensions of a breech-
clout, stared with astonishment and dismay
as they beheld this bulbous-bottomed burgher
peeled like an onion, and breeches after breeches
spread forth over the land until they covered
the actual site of this venerable city.

This is the true history of the adroit bargain
by which the island of Manhattan was bought
for sixty guilders ; and in corroboration of it
I will add, that Mynheer Ten Breeches, for
his services on this memorable occasion, was
elevated to the ofiice of land-measurer ; which
he afterwards exercised in the colony.

■y

Cbaptec DH1F1I

ON THE FOUNDING AND NAMING OF THE NEW CITY ;
OF THE CITY ARMS ; AND OF THE DIREFUE FEUD
BETWEEN TEN BREECHES AND TOUGH BREECHES.

K f I ^ HE land being thus fairly
p I purchased of the In-

^ dians, a circumstance

very unusual in the his-
tory of colonization, and

. . " strongly illustrative of

honesty of our Dutch
progenitors, a stockade
fort and trading-house
were forthwith erected
on an eminence in front of the place where
the good St. Nicholas had appeared in a vision
to Oloffe the Dreamer, and which, as has al-
ready been observed, was the identical place
at present known as the Bowling Green.

Around this fort a progeny of little Dutch-
built houses, with tiled roofs and weather-
cocks, soon sprang up, nestling themselves
under its walls for protection, as a brood of

^Tbe ITnfant Settlement

195

half- fledged chickens nestle under the wings
of the mother hen. The whole was sur-
rounded by an enclosure of strong palisadoes,
to guard against any sudden irruption of the
savages. Outside of these extended the corn-
fields and cabbage-gardens of the community,
with here and there an attempt at a tobacco-
plantation ; all covering those tracts of country
at present called Broadway, Wall Street, Wil-
liam Street, and Pearl Street.

I must not omit to mention, that, in por-
tioning out the land, a goodly “bowerie,” or
farm, was allotted to the sage Olofie in consid-
eration of the service he had rendered to the
public by his talent at dreaming ; and the site
of his ‘ ‘ bowerie ’ ’ is known by the name of
Kortlandt (or Cortlandt) Street to the present
day.

And now the infant settlement having ad-
vanced in age and stature, it was thought high
time it should receive an honest Christian
name. Hitherto it had gone by the original
Indian name Manna-hata, or, as some will
have it, “The Manhattoes ’ ’ ; but this was
now decried as savage and heathenish, and as
tending to keep up the memory of the pagan
brood that originally possessed it. Many were
the consultations held upon the subject, with-
out coming to a conclusion, for though every-

V

.0^

IK.

196

B Ibistor^ of IRew lorJ?

body condemned the old name, nobody could
invent a new one. At length, when the council
was almost in despair, a burgher, remarkable
for the size and squareness of his head pro-
posed that they should call it New Amsterdam.
The proposition took everybody by surprise ;
it was so striking, so apposite, so ingenious.
The name was adopted by acclamation, and
New Amsterdam the metropolis was thence-
forth called. Still, however, the early authors
of the province continued to call it by the
general appellation of “The Manhattoes,”
and the poets fondly clung to the euphonious
name of Manna-hata ; but those are a kind of
folk whose tastes and notions should go for
nothing in matters of this kind.

Having thus provided the embryo city with
a name, the next was to give it an armorial
bearing or device, as some cities have a ram-
pant lion, others a soaring eagle, — emblemati-
cal, no doubt, of the valiant and high-flying
qualities of the inhabitants ; so, after mature
deliberation, a sleek beaver was emblazoned
on the city standard, as indicative of the
amphibious origin, and patient, persevering
habits of the New Amsterdammers.

The thriving state of the settlement and the
rapid increase of houses soon made it necessary
to arrange some plan upon which the city

.05

^Tbe 0reat 2)i9CU66ion

197

should be built ; but at the very first consulta-
tion held on the subject, a violent discussion
arose ; and I mention it with much sorrowing
as being the first altercation on record in the
councils of New Amsterdam. It was, in fact,
a breaking forth of the grudge and heart-
burning that had existed between those two
eminent burghers. Mynheers Ten Broeck and
Harden Broeck, ever since their unhappy dis-
pute on the coast of Bellevue. The great
Harden Broeck had waxed very wealthy and
powerful, from his domains, which embraced
the whole chain of Apulean mountains that
stretched along the gulf of Kip’s Bay, and
from part of which his descendants have been
expelled in latter ages by the powerful clans
of the Joneses and the Schermerhornes.

An ingenious plan for the city was offered by
Mynheer Harden Broeck, who proposed that
it should be cut up and intersected by canals,
after the manner of the most admired cities in
Holland. To this Mynheer Ten Broeck was
diametrically opposed, suggesting, in place
thereof, that they should run out docks and
wharves, by means of piles driven into the
bottom of the river, on which the towns should
be built. ‘ ‘ By these means, ” said he triumph-
antly, “ shall we rescue a considerable space of
territory from these immense rivers, and build

v ' U A'

kP

( \ \//

\ r \ X

^LK\

198 B Ibistorg ot IKlew IJorf^

a city that shall rival x\msterdam, Venice,

m

or any amphibious city in Europe.” To
this proposition, Harden Broeck (or Tough

Breeches) replied, with a look of as much

i§

scorn as he could possibly assume. He cast
the utmost censure upon the plan of his antag-
onist, as being preposterous and against the

9

very order of things, as he would leave to every

true Hollander. “For what,” said he, “ is a
town without canals ? — it is like a body with-
out veins and arteries, and must perish for want
of a free circulation of the vital fluid. ’ ’ Ten

M 1

Breeches, on the contrary, retorted with a sar-

’

casm upon his antagonist, who was somewhat

/W

of an arid, dr^^-boned habit : he remarked, that

/ M

as to the circulation of the blood being neces-

sary to existence. Mynheer Tough Breeches
was a living contradiction to his own assertion :
for everybody knew there had not a drop
of blood circulated through his wind-dried car-

k

case for good ten years, and yet there was not

(T^

a greater busy-body in the whole colony. Per-

'Ip

sonalities have seldom much effect in making

Q'/

converts in argument ; nor have I ever seen a

man convinced of error by being convicted of

1 1

deformity. At least, such was not the case at

TS)

hi:

present. If Ten Breeches was very happy in

ll

sarcasm. Tough Breeches, who was a sturdy

%))

little man, and never gave up the last word,

jM

I i \>^

1 '

B

Zbc (5reat S)i6CU66ion

rejoined with increasing spirit ; Ten Breeches
had the advantage of the greatest volubility,
but Tough Breeches had that invaluable coat
of mail in argument, called obstinacy. Ten

THE ARGUMENT.

Breeches had, therefore, the most mettle, but
Tough Breeches the best bottom ; so that
though Ten Breeches made a dreadful clattering
about his ears, and battered and belabored him
wdth hard words and sound arguments, yet

200

B Ibistor^ of IRew l!)ork

Tough Breeches hung on most resolutely to the
last. They parted, therefore, as is usual in all
arguments where both parties are in the right,
without coming to any conclusion ; — but they
hated each other most heartily forever after,
and a similar breech with that between the
houses of Capulet and Montague did ensue
between the families of Ten Breeches and
Tough Breeches.

I would not fatigue my reader with these
dull matters of fact, but that my duty as a
faithful historian requires that I should be par-
ticular ; and in truth, as I am now treating of
the critical period when our city, like a young
twig, first received the twists and turns which
have since contributed to give it its present pic-
turesque irregularity, I cannot be too minute
in detailing their first causes.

After the unhapp}' altercation I have just
mentioned, I do not find that anything further
was said on the subject worthy of being re-
corded. The council, consisting of the lar-
gest and oldest heads in the community, met
regularly once a week, to ponder on this
momentous subject ; but, either they were de-
terred by the war of words they had witnessed,
or they were naturally averse to the exercise
of the tongue, and the subsequent exercise of
the brains, — certain it is, the most profound

i

Zbc Doings of tbc Council

silence was maintained, — the question as usual
lay on the table, — the members quietly smoked
their pipes, making but few laws, without ever
enforcing any, — and in the meantime the affairs
of the settlement went on — as it pleased God.

As most of the council were but little skilled
in the mystery of combining pot-hooks and
hangers, they determined most judiciously not
to puzzle either themselves or posterity with
voluminous records. The secretary, however,
kept the minutes of the council, with tolerable

202 B Ibietor^ of Bew liJork

precision, in a large vellum folio, fastened with
massy brass clasps ; the journal of each meet-
ing consisted but of two lines, stating in Dutch,
that ‘ ‘ the council sat this day, and smoked
twelve pipes, on the affairs of the colony.”
By which it appears that the first settlers did
not regulate their time by hours, but pipes, in
the same manner as they measure distances in
Holland at this very time : an admirably exact
measurement, as a pipe in the mouth of a true-
born Dutchman is never liable to those acci-
dents and irregularities that are continually
putting our clocks out of order.

In this manner did the profound council of
New Amsterdam smoke, and doze, and pon-
der, from week to week, month to month, and
year to year, in what manner they should con-
struct their infant settlement ; — meanwhile, the
town took care of itself, and like a sturdy brat
which is suffered to run about wild, unshackled
by clouts and bandages, and other abomina-
tions by which your notable nurses and sage
old women cripple and disfigure the children of
men, increased so rapidly in strength and mag-
nitude, that before the honest burgomasters
had determined upon a plan, it was too late to
put it in execution, — whereupon they wisely
abandoned the subject altogether.

Cbapter IFJ

HOW THE CITY OF NEW AMSTERDAM WAXED GREAT
UNDER THE PROTECTION OF ST. NICHOLAS AND
THE ABSENCE OF LAWS AND STATUTES — HOW
OEOFFE the dreamer BEGAN TO DREAM OF AN
EXTENSION OF EMPIRE, AND OF THE EFFECT OF
HIS DREAMS.

r"

204 B 1f3i6tor^ ot IRew lork

trackless forests and wide-spreading waters,
that seemed to shut out all the cares and van-
ities of a wicked world.

In those days did this embr>’o city present
the rare and noble spectacle of a community
governed without laws ; and thus being left to
its own course, and the fostering care of Provi-
dence, increased as rapidly as though it had
been burdened with a dozen panniers full of
those sage laws usually heaped on the backs
of young cities — in order to make them grow.
And in this particular I greatly admire the
wisdom and sound knowledge of human na-
ture, displayed by the sage Oloffe the Dreamer
and his fellow-legislators. For my part, I have
not so bad an opinion of mankind as many of
my brother philosophers. I do not think poor
human nature so sorry a piece of workman-
ship as they would make it out to be ; and as
far as I have observed, I am fully satisfied that
man, if left to himself, would about as readily
go right as wrong. It is only this eternally
sounding in his ears that it is his duty to go
right, which makes him go the very reverse.
The noble independence of his nature revolts
at this intolerable tyranny of law, and the per-
petual interference of officious morality, which
are ever besetting his path with finger-posts
and directions to ‘ ‘ keep to the right, as the law

Zbc iBvii of /IRan^ 2Law6 205

directs ” ; and like a spirited urchin, he turns
directly contrary, and gallops through mud and
mire, over hedges and ditches, merely to show
that he is a lad of spirit, and out of his leading-
strings. And these opinions are amply sub-
stantiated by what I have above said of our
worthy ancestors ; who never being be-preached
and be-lectured, and guided and governed by
statutes and laws and by-laws, as are their
more enlightened descendants, did one and all
demean themselves honestly and peaceably, out
of pure ignorance, or, in other words, because
they knew no better.

Nor must I omit to record one of the earliest
measures of this infant settlement, inasmuch as
it shows the piety of our forefathers, and that,
like good Christians, the}^ were always ready
to serve God, after they had first served them-
selves. Thus, having quietly settled themselves
down, and provided for their own comfort,
they bethought themselves of testifying their
gratitude to the great and good St. Nicholas,
for his protecting care, in guiding them to
this delectable abode. To this end they built
a fair and goodly chapel within the fort, which
they consecrated to his name ; whereupon he
immediately took the town of New Amster-
dam under his peculiar patronage, and he
has ever since been, and I devoutly hope, |

will ever be,
city.

At this early period was instituted that pious
ceremon}^, still religiously observed in all our
ancient families of the right breed, of hanging
up a stocking in the chimney on St. Nicholas
eve ; which stocking is always found in the
morning miraculously filled ; for the good St.
Nicholas has ever been a great giver of gifts,
particularly to children.

I am moreover told that there is a little leg-
endary book, somewhere extant, written in
Low Dutch, which says, that the image of this
renowned saint, which whilom graced the
bowsprit of the Goede Vrouw, was elevated in
front of this chapel, in the centre of what in
modern days is called the Bowling Green, — on
the very spot, in fact, where he appeared in
vision to Oloffe the Dreamer. And the legend
further treats of divers miracles wrought by
the mighty pipe which the saint held in his
mouth, a whiff of which was a sovereign cure
for indigestion, — an invaluable relic in this
colony of brave trencher-men. As, however,
in spite of the most diligent search, I cannot
lay my hands upon this little book, I must con-
fess that I entertain considerable doubt on the
subject.

Thus benignly fostered by the good St.

St. IRicbolae

Nicholas, the infant city thrived apace.
Hordes of painted savages, it is true, still
lurked about the unsettled parts of the island.
The hunter still pitched his bower of skins

ST. NICHOLAS.

and bark beside the rills that ran through the
cool and shady glens, while here and there
might be seen, on some sunny knoll, a group
of Indian wigwams, whose smoke arose above

208

B 1bi6tor^ Qt IRevv lork

Cj

the neighboring trees, and floated in the trans-
parent atmosphere. A mutual good-will, how-
ever, existed between these wandering beings
and the burghers of New Amsterdam. Our
benevolent forefathers endeavored as much as
possible to ameliorate their situation, by giving
them gin, rum, and glass beads, in exchange
for their peltries ; for it seems the kind-hearted
Dutchmen had conceived a great friendship for
their savage neighbors, on account of their
being pleasant men to trade with, and little
skilled in the art of making a bargain.

Now and then a crew of these half-human
sons of the forest would make their appearance
in the streets of New Amsterdam, fantastically
painted and decorated with beads and flaunting
feathers, sauntering about with an air of list-
less indifference, — sometimes in the market-
place, instructing the little Dutch boys in the
use of the bow and arrow, — at other times,
inflamed with liquor, swaggering and whooping
and yelling about the town like so many fiends,
to the great dismay of all the good wives,
who would hurry their children into the house,
fasten the doors, and throw water upon the
enemy from the garret windows. It is worthy
of mention here, that our forefathers were
very particular in holding up these wild men
as excellent domestic examples — and for rea-

/U

'}h>

210

B 1bi6tor^ of mew

sons that may be gathered from the history of
Master Ogilby, who tells us, that “for the
least offence the bridegroom soundly beats his
wife and turns her out of doors, and marries
another, insomuch that some of them have
every year a new wife.” Whether this awful
example had any influence or not, history
does not mention ; but it is certain that our
grandmothers were miracles of fidelity and
obedience.

True it is, that the good understanding be-
tween our ancestors and their savage neighbors
was liable to occasional interruptions, and I
have heard my grandmother, who was a very
wise old woman, and well versed in the history
of these parts, tell a long story of a winter’s
evening, about a battle between the New
Amsterdammers and the Indians, which was
known by the name of the Peach 2va7', and
which took place near a peach orchard, in a
dark glen, which for a long time went by the
name of Murderer’s Valley.

The legend of this sylvan war was long cur-
rent among the nurses, old wives, and other
ancient chroniclers of the place ; but time and
improvement have almost obliterated both the
tradition and the scene of battle ; for what
was once the blood-stained valley is now in the
centre of this populous city, and known b}^ the

Bmbitioue Dreams

2II

name of Dey Street. I know not whether it
was to this ‘ ‘ Peach war, ’ ’ and the acquisitions
of Indian land which may have grown out of
it, that we may ascribe the first seeds of the
spirit of ‘ ‘ annexation ’ ’ which now began to
manifest themselves. Hitherto the ambition
of the worthy burghers had been confined to
the lovely island of Manna-hata ; and Spiten
Devil on the Hudson, and Hell-gate on the
Sound, were to them the pillars of Hercules,
the 7ie phis tdtra of human enterprise. Shortly
after the Peach war, however, a restless spirit
was observed among the New Amsterdammers,
who began to cast wistful looks upon the
wild lands of their Indian neighbors ; for, some-
how or other, wild Indian land alwa3'S looks
greener in the e\^es of settlers than the land
they occup}^ It is hinted that Olofie the
Dreamer encouraged these notions ; having, as
has been shown, the inherent spirit of a land
speculator, which had been wonderfully- quick-
ened and expanded since he had become a
landholder. Many of the common people,
who had never before owned a foot of land,
now began to be discontented with the town
lots which had fallen to their shares ; others,
who had snug farms and tobacco-plantations,
found they had not sufficient elbow-room, and
began to question the rights of the Indians to

212

B 1bi6tor^ of IRew lork

the vast regions they pretended to hold — while
the good Oloffe indulged in magnificent
dreams of foreign conquest and great patroon-
ships in the wilderness.

The results of these dreams were certain
exploring expeditions, sent forth in various
directions, to “sow the seeds of empire,” as
it was said. The earliest of these were con-
ducted by Hans Reinier Oothout, an old
navigator, famous for the sharpness of his
vision, who could see land when it was quite
out of sight to ordinary mortals, and who had
a spy-glass covered with a bit of tarpauling,
with which he could spy up the crookedest
river quite to its head-waters. He was accom-
panied by M3mheer Ten Breeches, as land»-
measurer, in case of any dispute with the
Indians.

What was the consequence of these explor-
ing expeditions ? In a little while we find a
frontier post or trading-house called Fort
Nassau, established far to the south on Dela-
ware River ; another, called Fort Goed Hoep
(or Good Hope), on the Varsche, or Fresh, or
Connecticut River, and another, called Fort
Aurania (now Albany-), awa}^ up the Hudson
River ; while the boundaries of the province kept
extending on every side, nobody knew whither,
far into the regions of Terra Incognita.

lboIlanD’6 /llbaternal ipolici?

Of the boundary feuds and troubles which
the ambitious little province brought upon
itself by these indefinite expansions of its
territory, we shall treat at large in the after-
pages of this eventful history ; sufiicient for

HANS REINIER OOTHOUT.

the present is it to say that the swelling im-
portance of the New Netherlands awakened
the attention of the mother-country, who,
finding it likely to yield much revenue and
no trouble, began to take that interest in its

B 1bi6tori5 of Ittevv l^ork

welfare which knowing people evince for rich
relations.

But as this opens a new era in the fortunes
of New Amsterdam, I will here put an end to
this second book of my history, and will treat
of the maternal policy of the mother-country
in my next.

IN WHICH IS RECORDED THE GOEDEN REIGN OF
WOUTER VAN TWIEEER.

Chapter IF

OF THE RENOWNED WOUTER VAN TWIEEER, HIS
UNPARAEEEEED virtues — AS EIKEWISE HIS UN-
UTTERABEE WISDOM IN THE EAW-CASE OF WAN-
DEE SCHOONHOVEN AND BARENT BEEECKER —
AND THE GREAT ADMIRATION OF THE PUBEIC
THEREAT.

/ RIEVOUS and very much

' commiserated is

^ feeling

^ historian, wdio writes
history of his native
land. If it fall to his
lot to be the recorder
of calamity

^ the mournful page is

watered with his tears ;
nor can he recall the most prosperous and
blissful era, without a melancholy sigh at the
reflection that it has passed away forever ! I
know not whether it be owing to an immod-
erate love for the simplicity of former times,
or to that certain tenderness of heart incident
to all sentimental historians ; but I candidly

or crime,

2i8

21 Ibistor^ of IRevv

confess that I cannot look back on the happier
days of our city, which I now describe, with-
out great dejection of spirit. With faltering
hand do I withdraw the curtain of oblivion,
that veils the modest merit of our venerable
ancestors, and as their figures rise to my men-
tal vision, humble myself before their mighty
shades.

Such are my feelings when I revisit the fam-
ily mansion of the Knickerbockers, and spend
a lonely hour in the chamber where hang the
portraits of my forefathers, shrouded in dust,
like the forms they represent. With pious
reverence do I gaze on the countenances of
those renowned burghers, who have preceded
me in the steady march of existence, — whose
sober and temperate blood now meanders
through my veins, flowing slower and slower
in its feeble conduits, until its current shall
soon be stopped forever !

These, I say to myself, are but frail memo-
rials of the mighty men who flourished in the
days of the patriarchs ; but who, alas, have
long since mouldered in that tomb towards
which my steps are insensibly and irresistibly
hastening ! As I pace the darkened chamber
and lose myself in melancholy musings, the
shadowy images around me almost seem to
steal once more into existence, — their counte-

nances to assume the animation of life, — their
eyes to pursue me in every movement ! Car-
ried away by the delusions of fancy, I almost
imagine myself surrounded by the shades
of the departed, and holding sweet converse
with the worthies of antiquity ! Ah, hapless
Diedrich ! born in a degenerate age, abandoned
to the buffetings of fortune, — a stranger and a
wear}^ pilgrim in thy native land, — blest with
no weeping wife, nor family of helpless chil-
dren, but doomed to wander neglected through
those crowded streets, and elbowed by foreign
upstarts from those fair abodes where once
thine ancestors held sovereign empire !

Let me not, however, lose the historian in
the man, nor suffer the doting recollections of
age to overcome me, while dwelling with fond
garrulity on the virtuous days of the patriarchs,
— on those sweet days of simplicity and ease,
which never more will dawn on the lovely island
of Manna-hata.

These melancholy reflections have been
forced from me by the growing wealth and im-
portance of New Amsterdam, which, I plainly
perceive, are to involve it in all kinds of perils
and disasters. Already, as I observed at the
close of my last book, they had awakened the
attentions of the mother-country. The usual
mark of protection shown by mother-countries

^ i

’6

B Iblstor^ of IRew lorf?

to wealthy colonies was forthwith manifested ;
a governor being sent out to rule over the prov-
ince, and squeeze out of it as much revenue as
possible. The arrival of a governor of course
put an end to the protectorate of Oloffe the
Dreamer. He appears, however, to have dreamt
to some purpose during his sway, as we find
him afterwards living as a patroon on the great
landed estate on the banks of the Hudson ;
having virtually forfeited all fight to his an-
cient appellation of Kortlandt or Lackland.

It was in the year of our Lord 1629, that
Mynheer Wouter Van Twiller was appointed
governor of the province of Nieuw Nederlandts
under the commission and control of their High
Mightinesses the Lords States- General of the
United Netherlands, and the privileged West
India Company.

This renowned old gentleman arrived at New
Amsterdam in the merry month of June, the
sweetest month in all the year ; when dan
Apollo seems to dance up the transparent firm-
ament,— when the robin, the thrush, and a
thousand other wanton songsters, make the
woods to resound with amorous ditties, and the
luxurious little boblincon revels among the
clover-blossoms of the meadows, — all which
happy coincidence persuaded the old dames
of New Amsterdam, who were skilled in the art

.05

of foretelling events, that this was to be a happy
and prosperous administration.

The renowned Wouter (or Walter) Van Twil-
ler was descended from a long line of Dutch
burgomasters, who had successively dozed away
their lives and grown fat upon the bench of
magistracy in Rotterdam ; and who had com-
ported themselves with such singular wisdom
and propriety, that they were never either
heard or talked of — which, next to being uni-
versally applauded, should be the object of
ambition of all magistrates and rulers. There
are two opposite ways by which some men
make a figure in the world : one, by talking
faster than they think, and the other, by hold-
ing their tongues and not thinking at all. By
the first, many a smatterer acquires the reputa-
tion of a man of quick parts ; b}^ the other,
many a dunderpate, like the owl, the stupidest
of birds, comes to be considered the very type
of wisdom. This, by the way, is a casual re-
mark, which I would not, for the universe,
have it thought I apply to Governor Van
Twiller. It is true he was a man shut up
within himself, like an oyster, and rarely
spoke, except in monosyllables ; but then it
was allowed he seldom said a foolish thing.
So invincible was his gravity that he was never
known to laugh or even to smile through the

21 lbi6tor^ of mew WorR

whole course of a long and prosperous life.
Na\’, if a joke were uttered iii his presence,
that set light-minded hearers in a roar, it was
observed to throw him into a state of perplexity.
Sometimes he would deign to inquire into the
matter, and when, after much explanation, the
joke was made as plain as a pike-staff, he would
continue to smoke his pipe in silence, and at
length, knocking out the ashes, would exclaim,
“ Well ! I see nothing in all that to laugh
about. ’ ’

With all his reflective habits, he never made
up his mind on a subject. His adherents ac-
counted for this by the astonishing magnitude
of his ideas. He conceived ever}' subject on so
grand a scale that he had not room in his head
to turn it over and examine both sides of it.
Certain it is, that, if any matter were pro-
pounded to him on which ordinary mortals
would rashly determine at first glance, he would
put on a vague, mysterious look, shake his
capacious head, smoke some time in profound
.silence, and at length observe, that ‘ ‘ he had
his doubts about the matter ’ ’ ; which gained
him the reputation of a man slow of belief and
not easily imposed upon. What is more, it
gained him a lasting name ; for to this habit
of the mind has been attributed his surname
of Twiller ; which is said to be a corruption

Governor Dan ^TwUler

of the original Twijfler, or, in plain English,
Dojcbter.

The person of this illustrious old gentleman
was formed and proportioned, as though it had
been moulded by the hands of some cunning
Dutch statuary, as a model of majesty and

SET LIGHT-MINDED HEARERS IN A ROAR.

lordly grandeur. He was exactl}' five feet six
inches in height, and six feet five inches in cir-
cumference. His head was a perfect sphere,
and of such stupendous dimensions, that Dame
Nature, with all her sex’s ingenuity, would
have been puzzled to construct a neck capable

B 1bi0tori5 of IRew lork

of supporting it ; wherefore she wivSely declined
the attempt, and settled it firmly on the top
of his backbone, just between the shoulders.
His body was oblong and particularly capa-
cious at bottom ; which was wisely ordered
by Providence, seeing that he was a man of
sedentar}^ habits, and very averse to the idle
labor of walking. His legs were short, but
sturdy in proportion to the weight they had
to sustain ; so that when erect he had not a
little the appearance of a beer-barrel on skids.
His face, that infallible index of the mind,
presented a vast expanse, unfurrowed by any
of those lines and angles which disfigure the
human countenance with what is termed ex-
pression. Two small gray eyes twinkled feebly
in the midst, like two stars of lesser magnitude
in a hazy firmament, and his full-fed cheeks,
which seemed to have taken toll of everything
that went into his mouth, were curiously mot-
tled and streaked with dusky red, like a spit-
zenberg apple.

His habits were as regular as his person.
He daily took his four stated meals, appropri-
ating exactly an hour to each ; he smoked and
doubted eight hours, and he slept the remaining
twelve of the four-and-twenty. Such was the
renowned Wouter Van Twiller, — a true phil-
osopher, for his mind was either elevated above,

WOUTER VAN TWILLER.

sag ^

VOL. 1 — ic; '

226

B 1bi6tor^ of IRevv l^ork

or tranquilly settled below, the cares and
perplexities of this world. He had lived in it
for years, without feeling the least curiosity to
know whether the sun revolved round it, or it
round the sun ; and he had watched, for at
least half a century, the smoke curling from his
pipe to the ceiling, without once troubling his
head with any of those numerous theories by
which a philosopher would have perplexed his
brain, in accounting for its rising above the
surrounding atmosphere.

In his council he presided with great state
and solemnity. He sat in a huge chair of solid
oak, hewn in the celebrated forest of the
Hague, fabricated by an experienced timmer-
man of Amsterdam, and curiously carved about
the arms and feet, into exact imitations of
gigantic eagle’s claws. Instead of a sceptre,
he swayed a long Turkish pipe, wrought with
jasmin and amber, which had been presented
to a stadtholder of Holland at the conclusion of
a treaty with one of the petty Barbary powers.
In this stately chair would he sit, and this mag-
nificent pipe would he smoke, shaking his right
knee with a constant motion, and fixing his
eye for hours together upon a little print of Am-
sterdam, which hung in a black frame against
the opposite wall of the council-chamber. Nay,
it has even been said, that when any delibera-

:''V.

Governor Dan ^Twiller

227

tion of extraordinary length and intricacy was
on the carpet, the renowned Wouter would shut
his eyes for full two hours at a time, that he
might not be disturbed by external objects ;
and at such times the internal commotion of his
mind was evinced by certain regular guttural
sounds, which his admirers declared were
merely the noise of conflict, made by his
contending doubts and opinions.

It is with infinite difficulty I have been
enabled to collect these biographical anecdotes
of the great man under consideration. The
facts respecting him were so scattered and
vague, and divers of them so questionable in
point of authenticity, that I have had to give
up the search after many, and decline the
admission of still more, which would have
tended to heighten the coloring of his portrait.

I have been the more anxious to delineate
fully the person and habits of Wouter Van
Twiller, from the consideration that he was not
only the first, but also the best governor that
ever presided over this ancient and respectable
province ; and so tranquil and benevolent was
his reign, that I do not find throughout the
whole of it a single instance of any offender
being brought to punishment, — a most indu-
bitable sign of a merciful governor, and a case
unparalleled, excepting in the reign of the

ah

228

B *n3i6tor^ ot IRew lorf?

1

illustrious King Log, from whom, it is hinted,
the renowned Van Twiller was a lineal de-
scendant.

The very outset of the career of this ex-
cellent magistrate was distinguished by an
example of legal acumen, that gave flattering
presage of a wise and equitable administration.
The morning after he had been installed in office,
and, at the moment that he^ was making his
breakfast from a prodigious earthen dish, filled
with milk and Indian pudding, he was inter-
rupted by the appearance of Wandle Schoon-
hoven, a very important old burgher of New
Amsterdam, who complained bitterly of one
Barent Bleecker, inasmuch as he refused to
come to a settlement of accounts, seeing that
there was a heavy balance in favor of the said
Wandle. Governor Van Twiller, as I have
alread}^ observed, was a man of few words ; he
was likewise a mortal enemy to multiplying
writings — or being disturbed at his breakfast.
Having listened attentively to the statement of
Wandle Schoonhoven, giving an occasional
grunt, as he shovelled a spoonful of Indian
pudding into his mouth, — either as a sign that
he relished the dish, or comprehended the
story, — he called unto him his constable, and
pulling out of his breeches-pocket a huge jack-
knife, despatched it after the defendant as a

Governor Dan ^wilier

summons, accompanied by his tobacco-box as a
warrant.

This summary process was as effectual in
those simple days as was the seal-ring of
the great Haroun-al-Raschid among the true

THE JUDGMENT OF WOUTER VAN TWILLER.

believers. The two parties being confronted
before him, each produced a book of accounts,
written in a language and character that would
have puzzled any but a High-Dutch commen-
tator, or a learned decipherer of Egyptian
obelisks. The sage Wouter took them one

s

230

B Ibietov^ of IRew lj)orK

after the other, and having poised them in his
hands, and attentively counted over the num-
ber of leaves, fell straightway into a very great
doubt, and smoked for half an hour without say-
ing a word ; at length laying his finger beside
his nose, and shutting his eyes for a moment,
with the air of a man who has just caught a
subtle idea by the tail, he slowly took his
pipe from his mouth, puffed forth a column
of tobacco-smoke, and with marvellous gravity
and solemnity pronounced, that, having care-
fully counted over the leaves and weighed the
books, it was found, that one was just as thick
and as heavy as the other : therefore, it was
the final opinion of the court that the ac-
counts were equally balanced : therefore, Wan-
dle should give Barent a receipt, and Barent
should give Wandle a receipt, and the consta-
ble should pay the costs.

The decision, being .straightway made known,
diffused general joy throughout New Amster-
dam, for the people immediately perceived that
they had a ver}^ wise and equitable magistrate
to rule over them. But its happiest effect was,
that not another lawsuit took place throughout
the whole of his administration ; and the office
of constable fell into .such decay that there
was not one of tho.se lo.sel scouts known in the
province for many 3^ear.s. I am the more par-

r:'

Governor Dan ^Iwiller

ticiilar in dwelling on this transaction, not
only because I deem it one of the most sage
and righteous judgments on record, and well
worthy the attention of modern magistrates, but
because it was a miraculous event in the his-
tory of the renowned Wouter — being the only
time he was ever known to come to a decision
in the whole course of his life.

Cbapter n

CONTAINING SOME ACCOUNT OF THE GRAND COUNCIU
OF NEW AMSTERDAM, AS AESO DIVERS ESPECIAE
GOOD PHIEOSOPHICAE REASONS WHY AN ADDER-
MAN SHOUED BE fat — WITH OTHER PARTICUEARS
TOUCHING THE STATE OF THE PROVINCE.

N treating of the early gov-
ernors of the province, I
must caution my read-
. ers against confounding
them, in point of dig-
nity and power, with
those worthy gentlemen
who are whimsically de-
nominated

governors in
this enlightened repub-
lic,— a set of unhappy victims of popularit}’-,
who are, in fact, the most dependent, hen-
pecked beings in the community ; doomed to
bear the secret goadings and corrections of
their own party, and the sneers and revilings
of the whole world beside ; set up, like geese
at Christmas holidays, to be pelted and shot at

Zbc :t6oarC) of /nbagistratea

233

by ever>" whipster and vagabond in the land.
On the contrary, the Dutch governors enjoyed
that uncontrolled authority vested in all com-
manders of distant colonies or territories. They
were, in a manner, absolute despots in their
little domains, lording it, if so disposed, over
both law and gospel, and accountable to none
but the mother-country ; which it is well
known is astonishingly deaf to all complaints
against its governors, provided they discharge
the main duty of their station — squeezing out
a good revenue. This hint will be of impor-
tance, to prevent my readers from being seized
with doubt and incredulity, whenever, in the
course of this authentic history, they encoun-
ter the uncommon circumstance of a governor
acting with independence, and in opposition to
the opinions of the multitude.

To assist the doubtful Wouter in the arduous
business of legislation, a board of magistrates
was appointed, which presided immediately
over the police. This potent body consisted
of a schout or bailiff, with powers between
those of the present mayor and sheriff ; five bur-
germeesters, who were equivalent to aldermen ;
and five schepens, who officiated as scrubs,
subdevils, or bottle-holders to the burger-
meesters, in the same manner as do assistant
aldermen to their principals at the present

234

B Ibistor^ of Bcw lotk

day, — it being their duty to fill the pipes of
the lordly burgermeesters, hunt the markets
for delicacies for corporation dinners, and to
discharge such other little offices of kindness
as were occasionally required. It was, more-
over, tacitly understood, though not specifically
enjoined, that they should consider themselves
as butts for the blunt wits of the burger-
meesters, and should laugh ^most heartily at
I all their jokes ; but this last was a duty as
rarely called in action in those days as it is
at present, and was shortly remitted, in con-
sequence of the tragical death of a fat little
schepen, who actually died of suffocation in an
unsuccCvSsful effort to force a laugh at one of
burgermee.ster Van Zandt’s best jokes.

In return for these humble services, they
were permitted to say yes and no at the council-
board, and to have that enviable privilege, the
run of the public kitchen, — being graciously
permitted to eat, and drink, and smoke, at all
; those snug junketings and public gormandiz-
ings for which the ancient magistrates were
equally famous with their modern successors.
The post of schepen, therefore, like that of
assistant alderman, was eagerly coveted by all
your burghers of a certain description, who
have a hugh relish for good feeding, and an
I humble ambition to be great men in a small

way, — who thirst after a little brief authority,
that shall render them the terror of the alms-
house and the bridewell, — that shall enable
them to lord it over obsequious poverty, va-
grant vice, outcast prostitution, and hunger-
driven dishonesty,— that shall give to their
beck a houndlike pack of catchpolls and
bumbailiffs — tenfold greater rogues than the
culprits they hunt down ! My readers will

m..-.

THE FIVE BURGERMEESTERS.

excuse this sudden warmth, which I confess is
unbecoming of a grave historian, — but I have
a mortal antipathy to catchpolls, bumbailiffs,
and little-great men.

The ancient magistrates of this city corre-
sponded with those of the present time no less
in form, magnitude, and intellect, than in
prerogative and privilege. The burgomasters,
like our aldermen, were generally chosen by

wV

weight, — and not only the weight of the body,
but likewise the weight of the head. It is a
maxim practically observed in all honest, plain-
thinking, regular cities, that an alderman
should be fat, — and the wisdom of this can be
proved to a certainty. That the body is in
some measure an image of the mind, or rather
that the mind is moulded to the body, like
melted lead to the clay in which it is cast, has
been insisted on by many philosophers, who
have made human nature their peculiar study ;
for, as a learned gentleman of our own city ob-
serves, ‘ ‘ there is a constant relation between
the moral character of all intelligent creatures
and their physical constitution, between their
habits and the structure of their bodies.”
Thus w^e see that a lean, spare, diminutive
body is generally accompanied by a petulant,
restless, meddling mind : either the mind
wears down the body, by its continual motion,
or else the body, not affording the mind suffi-
cient house-room, keeps it continually in a
state of fretfulness, tossing and worrying
about from the uneasiness of its situation.
Whereas 3^our round, sleek, fat, unwieldy pe-
riphery is ever attended by a mind like itself,
tranquil, torpid, and at ease ; and we may
always observe, that your well-fed, robustious
burghers are in general very tenacious of their

n

^Tbe 2)octrinc6 of plato

ease and comfort, being great enemies to noise,
discord, and disturbance, — and surely none are
more likely to study the public tranquillity than
those who are so careful of their own. Who
ever hears of fat men heading a riot, or herd-

WELL-FED AND ROBUSTIOUS BURGHER.

ing together in turbulent mobs? — no — no ; it
is your lean, hungry men who are continually
worrying society, and setting the whole com-
munity by the ears.

The divine Plato, whose doctrines are not

’/ /

sufficiently attended to by philosophers of the
present age, allows to every man three souls :
one, immortal and rational, seated in the brain,
that it may overlook and regulate the body ;
a second, consisting of the surly and irascible
passions which, like belligerent powers, lie
encamped around the heart ; a third, mortal
and sensual, destitute of reason, gross and
brutal in its propensities, and enchained in the
belly, that it may not disturb the divine soul
by its ravenous bowlings. Now, according to
this excellent theory, what can be more clear
than that your fat alderman is most likely
to have the most regular and well-conditioned
mind. His head is like a huge spherical
chamber, containing a prodigious mass of soft
brains, whereon the rational soul lies softly
and snugly couched, as on a feather-bed ; and
the eyes, which are the windows of the bed-
chamber, are usually half closed, that its
slumberings may not be disturbed by external
objects. A mind thus comfortably lodged,
and protected from disturbance, is manifestly
most likely to perform its functions with regu-
larity and ease. By dint of good feeding,
moreover, the mortal and malignant soul,
which is confined in the belly, and which, by
its raging and roaring, puts the irritable soul
in the neighborhood of the heart in an intoler-

1bow to /iRake a ILcnient

able passion, and thus renders men crusty and
quarrelsome when hungry, is completel}^ paci-
fied, silenced, and put to rest, — whereupon a
host of honest, good- fellow qualities and kind-
hearted affections, which had lain perdue, slyly
peeping out of the loop-holes of the heart, find-
ing this Cerberus asleep, do pluck up their
spirits, turn out one and all in their holiday
suits, and gambol up and down the diaphragm,
— disposing their possessor to laughter, good-
humor, and a thousand friendly offices towards
his fellow-mortals.

As a board of magistrates, formed on this
principle, think but very little, they are the
less likely to differ and wrangle about favorite
opinions ; and as they generally transact busi-
ness upon a hearty dinner, they are naturally
disposed to be lenient and indulgent in the
administration of their duties. Charlemagne
was conscious of this, and therefore ordered in
his cartularies, that no judge should hold a
court of justice, except in the morning, on an
empty stomach ; — a pitiful rule, which I can
never forgive, and which I warrant bore hard
upon all the poor culprits in the kingdom.
The more enlightened and humane generation
of the present day have taken an opposite
course, and have so managed that the aldermen
are the best-fed men in the community ; feast-

X-

240

B Ibistori? of IRcw ]it)orf?

iiig lustily on the fat things of the land, and
gorging so heartily on oysters and turtles, that
in process of time they acquire the activit}^ of
the one, and the form, the waddle, and the
green fat of the other. The consequence is, as
I have just said, these luxurious feastings do
produce such a dulcet equanimity and repose of
the soul, rational and irrational, that their trans-
actions are proverbial for unvarying monotony ;
and the profound laws which they enact in their
dozing moments, amid the labors of digestion,
are quietly suffered to remain as dead letters,
and never enforced, when awake. In a word,
your fair, round-bellied burgomaster, like a
full-fed mastiff, dozes quietly at the house-door,
always at home, and always at hand to watch
over its safety ; but as to electing a lean,
meddling candidate to the office, as has now and
then been done, I would as lief put a greyhound
to watch the house, or a race-horse to draw an
ox-wagon.

The burgomasters, then, as I have already
mentioned, were wisely chosen by weight, and
the schepens, or assistant aldermen, were ap-
pointed to attend upon them and help them
eat ; but the latter, in the course of time, when
they had been fed and fattened into sufficient
bulk of body and drowsiness of brain, became
very eligible candidates for the burgomasters’

Cl

‘Wflouter auD Ibis Scbcpens 241

chairs, having fairly eaten themselves into
office, as a mouse eats his way into a com-
fortable lodgment in a goodly, blue-nosed,
skimmed-milk, New-England cheese.

Nothing could equal the profound delibera-
tions that took place between the renowned
Wouter and these his worthy compeers, unless
it be the sage divans of some of our modern
corporations. They would sit for hours,
smoking and dozing over public affairs, with-
out speaking a word to interrupt that perfect
stillness so necessary to deep reflection. Under
the sober sway of Wouter Van Twiller and
these his worthy coadjutors, the infant settle-
ment waxed vigorous apace, gradually emerg-
ing from the swamps and forests, and exhibiting
that mingled appearance of town and country,
customary in new cities, and which at this
day may be witnessed in the city of Washing-
ton,— that immense metropolis, which makes
so glorious an appearance on paper.

It was a pleasing sight, in those times, to
behold the honest burgher, like a patriarch of
yore, seated on the bench at the door of his white-
washed house, under the shade of some gigantic
sycamore or overhanging willow. Here would
he smoke his pipe of a sultry afternoon, en-
joying the soft southern breeze, and listening
with silent gratulation to the clucking of his

VOL. I.— 16

242 B Ibietor^ of IWew l^orft

hens, the cackling of his geese, and the sonorous
grunting of his swine, — that combination of
farm-yard melody which may truly be said to
have a silver sound, inasmuch as it conveys a
certain assurance of profitable marketing.

The modern spectator, who wanders through
the streets of this populous city, can scarcely
form an idea of the different appearance they
presented in the primitive days of the Doubter.
The busy hum of multitudes, the shouts of
revelry, the rumbling equipages of fashion,
the rattling of accursed carts, and all the spirit-
grieving sounds of brawling commerce, were
unknown in the settlement of New Amsterdam.
The grass grew quietly in the highways ; the
bleating sheep and frolicsome calves sported
about the verdant ridge, where now the Broad-
way loungers take their morning stroll ; the
cunning fox or ravenous wolf skulked in the
woods, where now are to be seen the dens of
Gomez and his righteous fraternity of money- j
brokers ; and flocks of vociferous geese cackled \
about the fields where now the great Tammany j
wigwam and the patriotic tavern of Martling 1
echo with the wranglings of the mob.

In these good times did a true and enviable
equality of rank and property prevail, equally
removed from the arrogance of wealth, and the
servility and heart-burnings of repining pov-

\

244

B Iblstors of IFlew JJorft

erty ; and, what in my mind is still more con-
ducive to tranquillity and harmony among
friends, a happy equality of intellect was like-
wise to be seen. The minds of the good burgh-
ers of New Amsterdam seemed all to have been
cast in one mould, and to be those honest, blunt
minds, which, like certain manufactures, are
made by the gross, and considered as exceed-
ingly good for common use.

Thus it happens that your true dull minds
are generally preferred for public employ, and
especially promoted to city honors ; your keen
intellects, like razors, being considered too
sharp for common service. I know that it is
common to rail at the unequal distribution of
riches, as the great source of jealousies, broils,
and heart-breakings ; whereas, for my part, I
verily believe it is the sad inequality of intel-
lect that prevails, that embroils communities
more than anything else ; and I have remarked
that 3^our knowing people, who are so much
wiser than anybody else, are eternally keep-
ing society in a ferment. Happily for New
Amsterdam, nothing of the kind was known
within its walls ; the very words of learn-
ing, education, taste, and talents were unheard
of ; a bright genius was an animal unknown,
and a blue-stocking lady would have been
regarded with as much wonder as a horned

'V.

'))-

.o’*

.0^

CTbc 3Bles9in99 of H^norance

frog or a fiery dragon. No man, in fact, seemed
to know more than his neighbor, nor any man
to know more than an honest man ought to
know, who has nobody’s business to mind but
his own ; the parson and the council clerk

Vll/'W ,

THE GOOD ST. NICHOLAS.

were the only men that could read in that
community, and the sage Van Twiller always
signed his name with a cross.

Thrice happy and ever to be envied little
Burgh ! existing in all the security of harmless
insignificance, — unnoticed and unenvied by the

world, without ambition, without vainglory,
without riches, without learning, and all their
train of carking cares ; — and as of yore, in the
better days of man, the deities were wont to
visit him on earth and, bless his rural habita-
tions, so, we are told, in the sylvan days of
New Amsterdam, the good St. Nicholas would
often make his appearance in his beloved city,
of a holiday afternoon, riding jollily among the
tree-tops, or over the roofs of the houses, now
and then drawing forth magnificent presents
from his breeches-pockets, and dropping them
down the chimneys of his favorites. Whereas,
in these degenerate days of iron and brass, he
never shows us the light of his countenance,
nor ever visits us, save one night in the year,
when he rattles down the chimneys of the de-
scendants of patriarchs, confining his presents
merely to the children, in token of the degen-
eracy of the parents.

Such are the comfortable and thriving effects
of a fat government. The province of the New
Netherlands, destitute of wealth, possessed a
sweet tranquillity that wealth could never pur-
chase. There were neither public commotions,
nor private quarrels ; neither parties, nor sects,
nor schisms ; neither persecutions, nor trials,
nor punishments ; nor were there counsellors,
attorneys, catchpolls, or hangmen. Every

C'/

mX

Cbe B\?en {Tenor of flbeir 247

■m

man attended to what little business he was

/,«

lucky enough to have, or neglected it if he
pleased, without asking the opinion of his

neighbor. In those days nobody meddled with |

concerns above his comprehension ; nor thrust

his nose into other people’s affairs ; nor ne-
glected to correct his own conduct, and reform
his own character, in his zeal to pull to pieces
the characters of others ; but, in a word, every

1

respectable citizen ate when he was not hungry.

drank when he was not thirsty, and went regu-

W m

larly to bed when the sun set and the fowls

1 )

went to roost, whether he was sleepy or not ;

\ il

all which tended so remarkably to the popula-

V /

-M0

tion of the settlement, that I am told every

m

dutiful wife throughout New Amsterdam made
a point of enriching her husband with at least
one child a year and very often a brace, — this

\\

k'ii

superabundance of good things clearly consti-
tuting the true luxury of life, according to the

1

favorite Dutch maxim, that “ more than enough
constitutes a feast.” Everything, therefore,
went on exactly as it should do, and in the usual
words employed by historians to express the

v\(

welfare of a country, ‘ ‘ the profoundest tran-

l'^- 1

quillity and repose reigned throughout the prov-

I [,)

ince.”

/)

1 ■' M

M

Chapter 1I1F1I

HOW THE TOWN OF NEW AMSTERDAM AROSE OUT OF
MUD, AND CAME TO BE MARVEEUOUSEY POUISHED
AND POEITE — together WITH A PICTURE OF THE
MANNERS OF OUR GREAT-GREAT-GRANDFATHERS.

H /jANIFOLD are the tastes

I I dispositions of the

f enlightened /i^erafi, who
J'f / pages of

history. Some there be
' < whose hearts are brim-

ful of the yeast of cour-
'.LSa age, and whose bosoms

do work, and swell, and
foam, with untried valor, like a barrel of new
cider, or a train-band captain, fresh from under
the hands of his tailor. This' doughty class
of readers can be satisfied with nothing but
bloody battles, and horrible encounters ; they
must be continually storming forts, sacking
cities, springing mines, marching up to the
muzzles of cannon, charging bayonet through
every page, and revelling in gunpowder and

IDadous Xitcrar^ ^Tastes

carnage. Others, who are of a less martial, but
equally ardent imagination, and who, withal,
are a little given to the marvellous, will dwell
with wondrous satisfaction on descriptions
of prodigies, unheard-of events, hair-breadth
escapes, hardy adventures, and all those aston-
ishing narrations which just amble along
the boundary line of possibility. A third
class, who, not to speak slightly of them, are
of a lighter turn, and skim over the records of
past times, as they do over the edifying pages
of a novel, merely for relaxation and innocent
amusement, do singularl}^ delight in treasons,
executions, Sabine rapes, Tarquin outrages,
conflagrations, murders, and all the other cata-
logue of hideous crimes, which, like cayenne in
cookery, do give a pungency and flavor to the
dull detail of history. While a fourth class,
of more philosophic habits, do diligently pore
over the musty chronicles of time, to investi-
gate the operations of the human kind, and
watch the gradual changes in men and man-
ners, effected by the progress of knowledge, the
vicissitudes of events, or the influence of situ-
ation.

If the three first classes find but little where-
withal to solace themselves in the tranquil
reign of Wouter Van T wilier, I entreat them to
exert their patience for a while, and bear with

i

250

B Ibistor^ of IRew )t)ork

the tedious picture of happiness, prosperity, and
peace, which my dut^^ as a faithful historian
obliges me to draw ; and I promise them, that,
as soon as I can possibly alight on anything
horrible, uncommon, or impossible, it shall go
hard, but I will make it afford them entertain-
ment. This being premised, I turn with great
complacency to the fourth class of my readers,
who are men, or, if possible, women after my
own heart ; grave, philosophical, and investi-
gating ; fond of analyzing characters, of taking
a start from first causes, and so hunting a
nation down, through all the mazes of innova-
tion and improvement. Such will naturally be
anxious to witness the first development of the
newly-hatched colony, and the primitive man-
ners and customs prevalent among its inhabi-
tants, during the halcyon reign of Van Twiller,
or the Doubter.

I will not grieve their patience, however, b}"
describing minutely the increase and improve-
ment of New Amsterdam. Their own imagi-
nations will doubtless present to them the good
burghers, like so many painstaking and perse-
vering beavers, slowly and surely pursuing their
labors : they will behold the prosperous trans-
formation from the rude log hut to the stately
Dutch mansion, with brick front, glazed win-
dows, and tiled roof ; from the tangled thicket

\\

1bow tbe Streets ‘Wllere /ibaDe 251

to the luxuriant cabbage-garden ; and from the
skulking Indian to the ponderous burgomaster.
In a word, they will picture to themselves the
steady, silent, and undeviating march of pros-
perity, incident to a city destitute of pride or
ambition, cherished by a fat government, and
whose citizens do nothing in a hurry.

The sage council, as has been mentioned in
a preceding chapter, not being able to deter-
mine upon any plan for the building of their
city, — the cows, in a laudable fit of patriotism,
took it under their peculiar charge, and, as
they went to and from pasture, established
paths through the bushes, on each side of
which the good folks built their houses, —
which is one cause of the rambling and pic-
turesque turns and labyrinths which distin-
guish certain streets of New York at this very
day.

The houses of the higher class were gener-
ally constructed of wood, excepting the gable
end which was of small black and yellow
Dutch bricks, and always faced on the street,
as our ancestors, like their descendants, were
very much given to outward show, and were
noted for putting the best leg foremost. The
house was always furnished with abundance
of large doors and small windows on every
floor, the date of its erection was curiously

252 B Ibistor^ of IRew ll)ork

designated by iron figures on the front, and on
the top of the roof was perched a fierce little
weathercock, to let the family into the impor-
tant secret which way the wind blew.

These, like the weathercocks on the tops of
our steeples, pointed so many different ways,
that every man could have a wind to his mind ;
— the most stanch and loyal citizens, however,
always went according to the weathercock on
the top of the governor’s house, which was
certainly the most correct, as he had a trusty
servant employed every morning to climb up
and set it to the right quarter.

In those good days of simplicity and sunshine,
a passion for cleanliness was the leading princi-
ple in domestic economy, and the universal test
of an able housewife, — a character which formed
the utmost ambition of our unenlightened
grandmothers. The front- door was never
opened, except on marriages, funerals, New-
Year’s days, the festival of St. Nicholas, or
some such great occasion. It was ornamented
with a gorgeous brass knocker, curiously
wrought, sometimes in the device of a dog, and
sometimes of a lion’s head, and was daily bur-
nished with such religious zeal, that it was oft-
times worn out by the very precautions taken
for its preservation. The whole house was
constantly in a state of inundation, under the

XLbc (3ranD parlor

discipline of mops and brooms and scrubbing-
brushes ; and the good housewives of those
days were a kind of amphibious animal,
delighting exceedingly to be dabbling in water,
— insomuch that an historian of the day gravely
tells us, that many of his townswomen grew to
have webbed fingers like unto a duck ; and

A COUNTRY MANSION.

some of them, he had little doubt, could the
matter be examined into, would be found to
have the tails of mermaids, — but this I look
upon to be a mere sport of fancy, or, what is
worse, a wilful misrepresentation.

The grand parlor was the sanctum sanc-
torum, where the passion for cleaning was

254

B IfDistor^ of IRew l|)orF?

indulged without control. In this sacred apart-
ment no one was permitted to enter, excepting
the mistress and her confidential maid, who
visited it once a week, for the purpose of giving |
it a thorough cleaning, and putting things to
rights, — always taking the precaution of
leaving their shoes at the door, and entering
devoutly on their stocking-feet. After scrub-
bing the floor, sprinkling it with fine white ;
sand, which was curiously stroked into angles !
and curves and rhomboids with a broom, —
after washing the windows, rubbing and polish- i
ing the furniture, and putting a new bunch
of evergreens in the fireplace, — the window-
shutters were again closed to keep out the flies, j
and the room carefully locked up until the
revolution of time brought round the weekly
cleaning-day. I

As to the family, they always entered in at i
the gate, and most generally lived in the '
kitchen. To have seen a numerous household
assembled round the fire, one would have
imagined that he was transported back to those
happy days of primeval simplicity, which float
before our imaginations like golden visions. ;
The fireplaces were of a truly patriarchal mag- '
nitude, where the whole family, old and young,
master and servant, black and white, nay,
even the very cat and dog, enjoyed a com- ;

H)ome6tic If^abits

munity of privilege, and had each a right to
a corner. Here the old burgher would sit in
perfect silence, puffing his pipe, looking in the
fire with half-shut eyes, and thinking of noth-
ing for hours together ; the goede vrouw, on the
opposite side, would employ herself diligently
in spinning yarn, or knitting stockings. The

SOME OLD CRONE OF A NEGRO.

young folks would crowd around the hearth,
listening with breathless attention to some old
crone of a negro, who was the oracle of the
family, and who, perched like a raven in a
corner of the chimney, would croak forth for a
long winter afternoon a string of incredible
stories about New-Kngland witches, — grisly

256 B Ibiators of IRcw l^ork |

ghosts, horses without heads, — and hair-
breadth escapes, and bloody encounters among
the Indians.

In those happy days a well-regulated family i
always rose with the dawn, dined at eleven,
and went to bed at sunset. Dinner was invari- i
ably a private meal, and the fat old burghers
showed incontestable signs of disapprobation
and uneasiness at being surprised by a visit
from a neighbor on such occasions. But
though our worthy ancestors were singularly
averse to giving dinners, yet they kept up the
social bands of intimacy by occasional banquet-
ings, called tea-parties.

These fashionable parties were generally |
confined to the higher classes, or noblesse, |
that is to say, such as kept their own cows, j
and drove their own wagons. The company i
commonl}" assembled at three o’clock, and i
went away about six, unless it was in winter-
time, when the fashionable hours were a lit- j
tie earlier, that the ladies might get home I
before dark. The tea-table was crowned with
a huge earthen dish, well stored with slices
of fat pork, fried brown, cut up into morsels, |
and swimming in gravy. The company being I
seated round the genial board, and each fur- |
nished with a fork, evinced their dexterity in
launching at the fattest pieces in this mighty

dish, — ill much the same manner as sailors
harpoon porpoises at vSea, or our Indians spear
salmon in the lakes. Sometimes the table was
graced with immense apple-pies, or saucers full
of preserved peaches and pears ; but it was
always sure to boast an enormous dish of balls
of sweetened dough, fried in hog’s fat, and
called doughnuts, or olykoeks, — a delicious
kind of cake, at present scarce known in this
city, except in genuine Dutch families.

The tea was served out of a majestic Delft
tea-pot, ornamented with paintings of fat lit-
tle Dutch shepherds and shepherdesses tending
pigs, with boats sailing in the air, and houses
built in the clouds, and sundry other ingenious
Dutch fantasies. The beaux distinguished
themselves by their adroitness in replenishing
this pot from a huge copper tea-kettle, which
would have made the pigmy macaronies of
these degenerate days sweat merely to look at
it. To sweeten the beverage, a lump of sugar
was laid beside each cup, and the company
alternately nibbled and sipped with great de-
corum, until an improvement was introduced
by a shrewd and economic old lady, which
was to suspend a large lump directly over the
tea-table, by a string from the ceiling, so that
it could be swung from mouth to mouth, — an
ingenious expedient, which is still kept up by

VOL. I. — 17

i\ n

1 A

258 B 1F3i6tor^ of IRew

some families in Albany, but which prevails
without exception in Communipaw, Bergen,
Flatbiish, and all our uncontaminated Dutch
villages.

At these primitive tea-parties the utmost
propriety and dignity of deportment prevailed.
No flirting nor coquetting, — no gambling of
old ladies, nor hoyden chattering and romping
of young ones, — no self-satisfied struttings of
wealthy gentlemen, with their brains in their
pockets, nor amusing conceits and monkey
divertisements of smart young gentlemen,
with no brains at all. On the contrary, the
young ladies seated themselves demurely in
their rush-bottom chairs, and knit their own
woollen stockings ; nor ever opened their
lips excepting to say yah My7iheer, or, yah
ya Vrouw, to any question that was asked
them ; behaving in all things like decent, well-
educated damsels. As to the gentlemen, each
of them tranquilly smoked his pipe, and
seemed lost in contemplation of the blue and
white tiles with which the fireplaces were
decorated ; wherein sundry passages of Script-
ure were piously portra3^ed : Tobit and his dog
figured to great advantage ; Hainan swung
conspicuously on his gibbet ; and Jonah ap-
peared most manfully bouncing out of the
whale, like Harlequin through a barrel of fire.

JEttquctte of tbe IRobleese

The parties broke up without noise and
without confusion. They were carried home
by their own carriages, that is to say, by the
vehicles nature had provided them, excepting

TOOK LEAVE OF THEM WITH A HEARTY SMACK AT THE DOOR.

such of the wealthy as could afford to keep a
wagon. The gentlemen gallantly attended
their fair ones to their respective abodes, and
took leave of them with a hearty smack at the

B 1f3i6tori5 of IRcvv l^ork

door : which, as it was an established piece of
etiquette, done in perfect simplicity and hon-
est}^ of heart, occasioned no scandal at that
time, nor should it at the present ; — if our
great-grandfathers approved of the custom, it
would argue a great want of deference in their
descendants to say a word against it.

TfX

Chapter IllD

CONTAINING FURTHER PARTICUEARS OF THE GOEDEN
AGE, AND WHAT CONSTITUTED A FINE EADY AND

genteeman in the days of waeter the
DOUBTER.

N this dulcet period of my
history, when the beaute-
ous island of Manna-
hata presented a scene,
the very counterpart of
those glowing pictures
drawn of the golden
of Saturn, there

reign

was, as I have before observed, a happy ig-
norance, an honest simplicity prevalent among
its inhabitants, which, were I even able to
depict, would be but little understood by the
degenerate age for which I am doomed to
write. Even the female sex, those arch inno-
vators upon the tranquillity, the honesty, and
gray-beard customs of society, seemed for a
while to conduct themselves with incredible
sobriety and comeliness.

262 B ibistoi*^ of IRcvv

Their hair, iintortured by the abominations
of art, was scrupulously pomatumed back
from their foreheads with a candle, and cov-
ered with a little cap of quilted calico, which
fitted exactly to their heads. Their petticoats
of linsey-woolsey were striped with a variety
of gorgeous dyes, — though I must confess
these gallant garments were rather short,
scarce reaching below the knee ; but then they
made up in the number, which generally
equalled that of the gentleman’s small-clothes ;
and what is still more praiseworthy, the}^ were
all of their own manufacture, — of which cir-
cumstance, as may well be supposed, they
were not a little vain.

These were the honest days in which every
woman staid at home, read the Bible, and wore
pockets, — a}’, and that too of a goodly size,
fashioned with patchwork into many curious
devices, and ostentatiously worn on the out-
side. These, in fact, were convenient recepta-
cles, where all good housewives carefully
stored away such things as they wished to
have at hand ; by which means they often
came to be incredibly crammed ; and I remem-
ber there was a story current, when I was a
boy, that the lady of Wouter Van Twiller once
had occasion to empt}^ her right pocket in
search of a wooden ladle, when the contents

filled a couple of corn-baskets, and the utensil
was discovered lying among some rubbish in
one corner ; — but we must not give too much
faith to all these stories, the anecdotes of those
remote periods being very subject to exaggera-
tion.

Besides these notable pockets, they likewise
wore scissors and pin-cushions suspended from
their girdles by red ribands, or, among the
more opulent and showy classes, by brass, and
even silver chains, — indubitable tokens of
thrifty housewives and industrious spinsters. I
cannot say much in vindication of the short-
ness of the petticoats ; it doubtless was
introduced for the purpose of giving the
stockings a chance to be seen, which were
generally of blue worsted, with magnificent red
clocks, — or, perhaps, to display a well-turned
ankle, and a neat, though serviceable foot, set
off by a high-heeled leathern shoe, with a large
and splendid silver buckle. Thus we find
that the gentle sex in all ages have shown the
same disposition to infringe a little upon the
laws of decorum, in order to betray a lurking
beauty, or gratify an innocent love of finery.

From the sketch here given, it will be seen
that our good grandmothers differed consider-
ably in their ideas of a fine figure from their
scantily dressed descendants of the present day.

^,V)

264

B Ibibtor^ of IRew ^ovk

A fine lady, in those times, waddled under more
clothes, even on a fair summer’s day, than
would have clad the whole bevy of a modern
ball-room. Nor were they the less admired
by the gentlemen in consequence thereof. On
the contrary, the greatness of a lover’s passion
seemed to increase in proportion to the magni-
tude of its object, — and a voluminous damsel,
arrayed in a dozen of petticoats, was declared
by a Low- Dutch sonneteer of the province to
be radiant as a sunflower, and luxuriant as a
full-blown cabbage. Certain it is, that in
those days the heart of a lover could not con-
tain more than one lady at a time ; whereas
the heart of a modern gallant has often room
enough to accommodate half a dozen. The
reason of which I conclude to be, that either
the hearts of the gentlemen have grown larger,
or the persons of the ladies smaller : this,
however, is a question for physiologists to
determine.

But there was a secret charm in these petti-
coats, which, no doubt, entered into the consid-
eration of the prudent gallants. The wardrobe
of a lady was in those days her only fortune ;
and she who had a good stock of petticoats and
stockings was as absolutely an heiress as is a
Kamtchatka damsel with a store of bear-skins,
or a Lapland belle with a plenty of reindeer.

IK-

\i

The ladies, therefore, were very anxious to
display these powerful attractions to the
greatest advantage ; and the best rooms in the
house, instead of being adorned with carica-
tures of Dame Nature, in water-colors and
needle- work, were always hung round with
abundance of homespun garments, the manufac-
ture and the property of the females, — a piece
of laudable ostentation that still prevails among
the heiresses of our Dutch villages.

The gentlemen, in fact, who figured in the
circles of the gay world in these ancient times,
corresponded, in most particulars, with the
beauteous damsels whose smiles they were ambi-
tious to deserve. True it is, their merits would
make but a very inconsiderable impression upon
the heart of a modern fair ; they neither drove
their curricles, nor sported their tandems, for as
yet those gaudy vehicles were not even dreamt
of ; neither did they distinguish themselves by
their brilliancy at the table, and their conse-
quent rencontres with watchmen, for our fore-
fathers were of too pacific a disposition to
need those guardians of the night, every soul
throughout the town being sound asleep before
nine o’clock. Neither did they establish their
claims to gentility at the expense of their
tailors, for as yet those offenders against the
pockets of society, and the tranquillity of all

Zbc (3ai5 Cavaliers

267

aspiring young gentlemen, were unknown in
New iVmsterdam ; every good housewife made
the clothes of her husband and family, and
even the goede vrouw of Van Twiller himself
thought it no disparagement to cut out her
husband’s linsey-woolsey galligaskins.

Not but what there were some two or three
youngsters who manifested the first dawning
of what is called fire and spirit ; who held
all labor in contempt ; skulked about docks
and market-places ; loitered in the sunshine ;
squandered what little money they could pro-
cure at hustlecap and chuck-farthing ; swore,
boxed, fought cocks, and raced their neigh-
bors’ horses ; in short, who promised to be
the wonder, the talk, and abomination of the
town, had not their stylish career been unfor-
tunately cut short by an affair of honor with a
whipping-post.

Far other, however, was the truly fashion-
able gentleman of those days : his dress,
which served for both morning and evening,
street and drawing-room, was a linsey-woolsey
coat, made, perhaps, by the fair hands of the
mistress of his affections, and gallantly be-
decked with abundance of large brass but-
tons ; half a score of breeches heightened the
proportions of his figure ; his shoes were
decorated by enormous copper buckles ; a low-

■-/

7,

268

B Ibistor^ of IRevv

crowned broad-rimmed hat overshadowed his
burly visage ; and his hair dangled down his
back in a prodigious queue of eel-skin.

Thus equipped, he would manfully sally
forth, with pipe in mouth, to besiege some fair
damsel’s obdurate heart, — not such a pipe,
good reader, as that which Acis did sweetly
tune in praise of his Galatea, but one of true
Delft manufacture, and furnished with a charge
I of fragrant tobacco. With this would he reso-
lutely set himself down before the fortress, and
rarely failed, in the process of time, to smoke
the fair enemy into a surrender, upon honor-
able terms.

Such was the happy reign of Wouter Van
Twiller, celebrated in many a long-forgotten
song as the real golden age, the rest being
nothing but counterfeit copper- washed coin.
In that delightful period, a sweet and holy
calm reigned over the whole province. The
burgomaster smoked his pipe in peace ; the
substantial solace of his domestic cares, after
her daily toils were done, sat soberly at the
door, with her arms crossed over her apron of
snowy white, without being insulted with
ribald street-walkers or vagabond boys, — those
unlucky urchins who do so infest our streets,
displaying, under the roses of youth, the
thorns and briers of iniquit}’. Then it was

Zbc ©olOen B^c

that the lover with ten breeches, and the dam-
sel with petticoats of half a score, indulged in
all the innocent endearments of virtuous love,
without fear and without reproach ; for what
had that virtue to fear, which was defended

THE YOUNG GALLANT.

by a shield of good linsey-woolseys, equal at
least to the seven bull-hides of the invincible

Ah, blissful and never-to-be-forgotten age !
when everything was better than it has ever
been since, or ever will be again, — when But-
termilk Channel was quite dry at low water, —

270 B of IWevv ll)ork

when the shad in the Hudson were aii salmon,
— and when the moon shone with a pure and
resplendent whiteness, instead of that melan-
choly yellow light which is the consequence
of her sickening at the abominations she every
night witnesses in this degenerate city !

Happy would it have been for New Amster-
dam could it always have existed in this state
of blissful ignorance and lowly vsimplicity ;
but, alas ! the days of childhood are too sweet
to last ! Cities, like men, grow out of them
in time, and are doomed alike to grow into
the bustle, the cares, and miseries of the
world. Let no man congratulate himself,
when he beholds the child of his bosom or
the city of his birth increasing in magnitude
and importance, — let the historj^ of his own
life teach him the dangers of the one, and this
excellent little history of Manna-hata convince
him of the calamities of the other.

Cbapter ID,

ON THE FOUNDING OF FORT AURANIA — OF THE MYS-
TERIES OF THE HUDSON— OF THE ARRIVAL OF THE
PATROON KIEEIAN VAN RENSEEUAER ; HIS EORDEY
DESCENT UPON THE EARTH, AND HIS INTRODUCTION
OF CEUB-EAW.

T has already been men
tioned,
early

times of Oloffe
the Dreamer, a frontier-
post, or trading-house,
called Fort " Aurania,
had been established
on the upper waters of
the Hudson, precisely
on the site of the pres-
ent venerable city of Albany ; which was at
that time considered at the very end of the
habitable world. It was, indeed, a remote
possession, with which, for a long time. New
Amsterdam held but little intercourse. Now
and then the “Company’s Yacht,’’ as it was
called, was sent to the fort with supplies, and

\\1

to bring away the peltries which had been
purchased of the Indians. It was like an ex-
pedition to the Indias, or the North Pole, and
always made great talk in the settlement.
Sometimes an adventurous burgher would ac-
company the expedition, to the great uneasi-
ness of his friends ; but, on his return, had so
many stories to tell of storms and tempests
on the Tappaan Zee, of hobgoblins in the
Highlands and at the Devil’s Dans Kammer,
and of all the other wonders and perils with
which the river abounded in those early days,
that he deterred the less adventurous inhabi-
tants from following his example.

Matters were in this state, when, one day,
as Walter the Doubter and his burgermeesters
were smoking and pondering over the affairs
of the province, they were roused by the re-
port of a cannon. Sallying forth, they beheld
a strange vessel at anchor in the bay. It was
unquestionably of Dutch build, broad-bottomed
and high-pooped, and bore the flag of their
High Mightinesses at the mast-head.

After a while, a boat put off for land, and a
stranger stepped onshore, — a lofty, lordly kind
of man, tall, and dry, with a meagre face, fur-
nished with huge moustaches. He was clad
in Flemish doublet and hose, and an insuffer-
ably tall hat, with a cocktail feather. Such

,(V:

274

B 1F3i6tor^ of mew l^orft

was the patrooii Killian Van Rensellaer, who
had come out from Holland to found a colony
or patroonship on a great tract of wild land,
granted to him by their High Mightinesses
the lyords States-General, in the upper regions
of the Hudson.

Killian Van Rensellaer was a nine days’
wonder in New Amsterdam ; for he carried
a high head, looked down upon the portly,
short-legged burgomasters, and owned no al-
legiance to the governor himself ; boasting
that he held his patroonship directl}^ from the
Lords States-General.

He tarried but a short time in New Amster-
dam, merely to beat up recruits for his colony.

I Few, however, ventured to enlist for those
remote and savage regions ; and when they
embarked, their friends took leave of them as
if they should never see them more, and stood
gazing with tearful eye as the stout, round-
sterned little vessel ploughed and splashed its
way up the Hudson, with great noise and little
progress, taking nearly a day to get out of
sight of the city.

And now, from time to time, floated down
tidings to the Manhattoes of the growing im-
portance of this new colony. Every account
represented Killian Van Rensellaer as rising
in importance and becoming a mighty patroon

Ikillfan IDan IRcnecllacr

275

in the land. He had received more recruits
from Holland. His patroonship of Rensellaer-
wick lay immediately below Fort Aurania,
and extended for several miles on each side
of the Hudson, beside embracing the moun-
tainous region of the Helderberg. Over all
this he claimed to hold separate jurisdiction,
independent of the colonial authorities of New
Amsterdam.

All these assumptions of authority were
duly reported to Governor Van Twiller and
his council, by despatches from Fort Aurania ;
at each new report the governor and his coun-
sellors looked at each other, raised their eye-
brows, gave an extra puff or two of smoke,
and then relapsed into their usual tranquillity.

At length tidings came that the patroon of
Rensellaerwick had extended his usurpations
along the river, beyond the limits granted him
by their High Mightinesses ; and that he had
even seized upon a rocky island in the Hud-
son, commonly known by the name of Bearn
or Bear’s Island, where he was erecting a
fortress, to be called by the lordly name of
Rensellaerstein.

Wouter Van Twiller was roused by this in-
telligence. After consulting with his burgo-
masters, he despatched a letter to the patroon
of Rensellaerwick, demanding b}^ what right

B Ibistorg ot IRevv

he had seized upon this island, which lay
beyond the bounds of his patroonship. The
answer of Killian Van Rensellaer was in his
own lordly style, “ wape7i I'echt!'' — that
is to say, by the right of arms, or, in common
parlance, by club-law. This answer plunged
the worthy Wouter in one of the deepest
doubts he had in the whole course of his
administration ; in the meantime, while Wouter
doubted, the lordly Killian went on to finish
his fortress of Rensellaerstein, about which I
foresee I shall have something to record in a
future chapter of this most eventful histor>\

N the year of our Lord one
thousand eight hundred
and four, on a fine after-
noon in the glowing month
of September, I took my
customary walk upon the
Batter}^ which is at once
the pride and bulwark of
this ancient and impreg-
nable city of New York.
The ground on which I
trod was hallowed by rec-
ollections of the past ; and
as I slowly wandered through the long alley
of poplars, which, like so many birch brooms
standing on end, diffused a melanchol}^ and
lugubrious shade, my imagination drew a con-
trast between the surrounding scenery^ and
what it was in the classic days of our fore-

B Ibistor^ of IRew l^ork

fathers. Where the government house by
name, but the custom-house by occupation,
proudly reared its brick walls and wooden
pillars, there whilom stood the low, but sub-
stantial, red- tiled mansion of the renowned
Wouter Van T wilier. Around it the mighty
bulwarks of Fort Amsterdam frowned defiance
to every absent foe : but, like many a whisk-
ered warrior and gallant militia captain, con-
firmed their martial deeds to frowns alone.
The mud breastworks had long been levelled
with the earth, and their site converted into
the green lawns and leafy alleys of the Battery ;
where the gay apprentice sported his Sunday
coat, and the laborious mechanic, relieved
from the dirt and drudgery of the week, poured
his weekly tale of love into the half-averted ear
of the sentimental chambermaid. The capa-
cious bay still presented the same expansive
sheet ot water, studded with islands, sprinkled
with fishing-boats, and bounded bv shores of
picturesque beauty. But the dark forests
which once clothed those shores had been vio-
lated by the savage hand of cultivation, and
their tangled mazes, and impenetrable thickets,
had degenerated into teeming orchards and
waving fields of grain. Even Governor’s
Island, once a smiling garden, appertaining to
the sovereigns of the province, was now

Zbc :f6attere

covered with fortifications, inclosing a tremen-
dous block-house, so that this once peaceful
island resembled a fierce little warrior in a big
cocked hat, breathing gun-powder and defiance
to the world !

For some time did I indulge in a pensive
train of thought ; contrasting, in sober sadness.

THE BATTERY.

the present da^" with the hallowed years behind
the mountains ; lamenting the melancholy
progress of improvement, and praising the zeal
with which our worthy burghers endeavored
to preserve the wrecks of venerable customs,
prejudices, and errors from the overwhelming
tide of modern innovation, — when, by degrees,
my ideas took a different turn, and I insensibly

28o B Ibietori? of IRevv l^orh

awakened to an enjoyment of the beauties
around me.

It was one of those rich autumnal days
which heaven particularly bestows upon the
beauteous island of Manna-hata and its vicinity
— not a floating cloud obscured the azure firma-
i ment, — the sun, rolling in glorious splendor
through his ethereal^ course, seemed to expand
his honest Dutch countenance into an unusual
expression of benevolence, as he smiled his
evening salutation upon a cit3' which he
delights to visit with his most bounteous
beams, — the ver}^ winds seemed to hold in their
breaths in mute attention, lest they should ruffle
I the tranquillity of the hour, — and the wave-
: less bosom of the bay presented a polished
mirror, in which nature beheld herself and
smiled. The standard of our city, reserved like
I a choice handkerchief, for days of gala, hung
motionless on the flag-staff, which forms the
handle of a gigantic churn ; and even the trem-
ulous leaves of the poplar and the aspen ceased
to vibrate to the breath of heaven. Everything
seemed to acquiesce in the profound repose
of nature. The formidable eighteen-pounders
slept in the embrasures of the wooden batteries,
seemingly gathering fresh strength to fight the
battles of their country on the next fourth of
July ; the solitary drum on Governor’s Island

V'/

forgot to call the garrison to their shovels ; the
evening gun had not yet sounded its signal for
all the regular well meaning poultr}^ through-
out the country to go to roost ; and the fleet of
canoes, at anchor between Gibbet Island and
Comniunipaw, slumbered on their rakes, and
suffered the innocent oysters to lie for a while
unmolested in the soft mud of their native
banks ! My own feelings sympathized with the
contagious tranquillity, and I should infallibly
have dozed upon one of those fragments of
benches, which our benevolent magistrates
have provided for the benefit of convalescent
loungers, had not the extraordinary inconven-
ience of the couch set all repose at defiance.

In the midst of this slumber of the soul, my
attention was attracted to a black speck, peer-
ing above the western horizon, just in the rear
of Bergen steeple : gradually it augments and
overhangs the would-be cities of Jersey, Har-
simus, and Hoboken, which, like three jockeys,
are starting on the course of existence, and
jostling each other at the commencement of
the race. Now it skirts the long shore of
ancient Pavonia, spreading its wide shadows
from the high settlements of Weehawk quite
to the lazaretto and quarantine erected by the
sagacity of our police, for the embarrassment
of commerce ; now it climbs the serene vault

■f

!l

\\V'

of heaven, cloud rolling over cloud, shrouding
the orb of day, darkening the vast expanse,
and bearing thunder and hail and tempest in
its bosom. The earth seems agitated at the
confusion of the heavens ; the late waveless
mirror is lashed into furious waves that roll
in hollow murmurs to the shore ; the oyster-
boats that erst sported in the placid vicinity
of Gibbet Island, now hurry affrighted to the
land ; the poplar writhes and twists and whis-
tles in the blast ; torrents of drenching rain
and sounding hail deluge the Battery walks ;
the gates are thronged by apprentices, servant-
maids, and little Frenchmen, with pocket-
handkerchiefs over their hats, scampering from
the storm ; the late beauteous prospect presents
one scene of anarchy and wild uproar, as
though old Chaos had resumed his reign, and
was hurling back into one vast turmoil the
conflicting elements of nature.

Whether I fled from the fury of the storm,
or remained boldly at my post, as our gallant
train-band captains who march their soldiers
through the rain without flinching, are points
which I leave to the conjecture of the reader.
It is possible he may be a little perplexed also
to know the reason why I introduced this tre-
mendous tempest to disturb the serenity of
my work. On this latter point I will gratui-

Co

1

K"'//

'Wllbg tbe Storm Came 283 1

\A/

tously instruct his ignorance. The panorama

i,M

I l\v%

view of the Battery was given merely to gratify 1

p-l

the reader with a correct description of that

1

celebrated place and the parts adjacent; sec-

((K/

' w\

ondly, the storm was played off, partly to give

^ \

1

a little bustle and life to this tranquil part of

\

f'

111}' work, and to keep my drowsy readers from

j

1

w\

Vfl

1 SCAMPERING FROM THE STORM. ”

1

i7\

falling asleep, and partly to serve as an over-
ture to the tempestuous times which are about

^^Sk.

to assail the pacific province of Nieuw Neder-

landts, and which overhang the slumbrous

7i^

administration of the renowned Wouter Van

p [)

i-o'/W

! Twiller. It is thus the experienced playwright
puts all the fiddles, the French-horns, the
kettle-drnms, and trumpets of his orchestra in

1

M

rl'^^

284

B 1bi6tori2 of IRevv l^orF?

requisition, to usher in one of those horrible
and brimestone uproars called Melodrames, —
and it is thus he discharges his thunder, his
lightning, his rosin, and saltpetre, preparatory
to the rising of a ghost or the murdering of a
hero. We will now proceed with our history.

Whatever ina}' be advanced by philosophers
to the contrary, I am of opinion, that, as to na-
tions, the old maxim, that “honesty is the best
polic}^’’ is a .sheer and ruinous mistake. It
might have answered well enough in the
honest times when it was made ; but in these
degenerate days, if a nation pretends to rely
merely upon the ju.stice of its dealings, it will
fare something like the honest man who fell
among thieves, and found his honesty a poor
protection against bad company. Such, at
least, was the case with the guileless govern-
ment of the New Netherlands ; which, like a
worth}^ unsu.spicious old burgher, quietly set-
tled itself down in the city of New Amsterdam,
as into a snug elbow-chair, and fell into a
comfortable nap, while, in the meantime, its
cunning neighbors stepped in and picked its
pockets. In a word, we may ascribe the com-
mencement of all the woes of this great prov-
ince, and its magnificent metropolis, to the
tranquil security, or, to .speak more accurately,

I to the unfortunate honesty of its government.

L n,. ,, ■ -

H^onest^ Bot tbc JBest jpolicg

But as I dislike to begin an important part of
my histor}" towards the end of a chapter, and
as my readers, like m3^self, must doubtless be
exceedingly fatigued with the long walk we
have taken, and the tempest we have sustained,
I hold it meet we shut up the book, smoke
a pipe, and, having thus refreshed our spirits,
take a fair start in a new chapter.

UmpenMng Galamltp 287

certain national creed, a kind of public walk
of faith, or rather a religious turnpike, in
which every loyal subject was directed to travel
to Zion, — taking care to pay the toll-gatherers
by the way.

Albeit a certain shrewd race of men, being
very much given to indulge their own opinions
on all manner of subjects (a propensity ex-
ceedingly offensive to your free governments
of Europe), did most presumptuously dare to
think for themselves in matters of religion,
exercising what they considered a natural and
unextinguishable right — the liberty of con-
science.

As, however, they possessed that ingenuous
habit of mind which always thinks aloud,
which rides cock-a-hoop on the tongue, and is
forever galloping into other people’s ears, it
naturally followed that their liberty of con-
science likewise implied liberty of speeeli, which
being freely indulged, soon put the country in
a hubbub, and aroused the pious indignation
of the vigilant fathers of the Church.

The usual methods were adopted to reclaim
them, which in those days were considered
efficacious in bringing back stray sheep to the
fold ; that is to say, they were coaxed, they
were admonished, they were menaced, they
were buffeted, — line upon line, precept upon

A S

/ , ,

'X'/

288 B 1bl6tor^ of IRevv l^ork

w

'/ A
r:' Y

precept, lash upon lash, here a little and there

IJ

a great deal, were exhorted without mercy and
without success, — until the worthy pastors of

\

• \ >

the Church, wearied out by their unparalleled
stubbornness, were driven, in the excess of
their tender mercy, to adopt the Scripture text, '
and literally to “heap live embers on their
heads.” ,

Nothing, however, could subdue that inde-

r

,A

pendence of the tongue which has ever distin-
guished this singular race, so that, rather than
subject that heroic member to further tyranny.

J!

’, \;

they one and all embarked for the wilderness

i yj

of America, to enjoy, unmolested, the inestima-

\ / /

ble right of talking. And, in fact, no sooner

vM

i

did they land upon the shore of this free-spoken

1 M

country, than they all lifted up their voices,

1

and made such a clamor of tongues, that we
are told they frightened every bird and beast
out of the neighborhood, and struck such mute
terror into certain fish, that they have been
called dumb-fish ever since.

iy

’ j ;

This may appear marvellous, but it is never-

V I®

theless true ; in proof of which I would observe,

that the dumb-fish has ever since become an

' h

object of superstitious reverence, and forms the

1 /:

Saturday’s dinner of every true Yankee.

\/ /

i The simple aborigines of the land for a while

V- t

contemplated these strange folk in utter aston-

V\l '

V'

(YV-

'X^ ...

^Tbe l^anbees

ishment ; but discovering that they wielded
harmless though noisy weapons, and were a
lively, ingenious, good-humored race of men.

THE YANKEE’S SATURDAY’S DINNER OF DUMB-FISH.

they became very friendly and sociable, and
gave them the name of Yanokies, which in the
Mais-Tchusaeg (or Massachusetts) language

290

B 1[3i0tor^ of IRevv ^ovk

signifies sile7it — a waggish appellation,

since shortened into the familiar epithet of
Yankees, which they retain unto the present
day.

True it is, and my fidelity as an historian
will not allow me to pass over the fact, that,
having served a regular apprenticeship in the
school of persecution, these ingenious people
soon show’ed that they had become masters of
the art. The great majority were of one par-
ticular mode of thinking in matters of religion ;
but, to their great surprise and indignation,
they found that divers Papists, Quakers, and
Anabaptists were springing up among them,
and all claiming to use the liberty of speech.
This was at once pronounced a daring abuse
of the liberty of conscience, which they now
insisted was nothing more than the liberty to
think as one pleased in matters of religion —
provided one thought right ; for otherwise it
would be giving a latitude to damnable her-
esies. Now as the}^ the majority, were con-
vinced that they alone thought right, it
consequently followed, that whoever thought
different from them thought wrong, — and who-
ever thought wrong, and obstinately persisted
in not being convinced and converted, was a
flagrant violator of the inestimable liberty of
conscience, and a corrupt and infectious mem-

TLbc lankeee 291

ber of the body politic, and deserved to be
lopped off and oast into the fire. The conse-
quence of all which was a fiery persecution of
divers sects, and especially of Quakers.

Now I ’ll warrant there are hosts of my
readers, ready at once to lift up their hands and
eyes, with that virtuous indignation with
which we contemplate the faults and errors of
our neighbors, and to exclaim at the preposter-
ous idea of convincing the mind by tormenting
the body, and establishing the doctrine of
charity and forbearance by intolerant persecu-
tion. But in simple truth what are we doing
at this very day, and in this very enlightened
nation, but acting upon the very same princi-
ple in our political controversies? Have we
not within but a few years released ourselves
from the shackles of a government which
cruelly denied us the privilege of governing
ourselves, and using in full latitude that inval-
uable member, the tongue ? and are we not at
this very moment striving our best to tyrannize
over the opinions, tie up the tongues, and ruin
the fortunes of one another? What are our
great political societies, but mere political in-
quisitions,— our pot-house committees, but little
tribunals of denunciation, — our newspapers,
but mere whipping-posts and pillories, where
unfortunate individuals are pelted with rotten-

2g2

B 1bi6tor)5 of IRew liorft

eggs, — and our council of appointment, but a
grand auto-da-fe, where culprits are annually
sacrificed for their political heresies ?

Where, then, is the difference in principle
between our measures and those you are so
ready to condemn among the people I am treat-
ing of? There is none ; the difference is merely
circumstantial. Thus we de^iounce, instead of
banishing, — libel, instead of scourging, — we
turji Old of office, instead of hanging, — and
where they burnt an offender in proper person,
we either tar and feather, or burn him in effigy,
— this political persecution being, somehow or
other, the grand palladium of our liberties, and
an incontrovertible proof that this is a free
country !

But notwithstanding the fervent zeal with
which this holy war was prosecuted against
the whole race of unbelievers, we do not find
that the population of this new colony was in
any wise hindered thereby ; on the contrary,
they multiplied to a degree which would be
incredible to any man unacquainted with the
marv^ellous fecundity of this growing country.

This amazing increase may, indeed, be partly
ascribed to a singular custom prevalent among
them, commonly known by the name of bund-
ling,— a superstitious rite observed by the
young people of both sexes, with which they

^Tbe l^ankece

usually terminated their festivities, and which
was kept up with religious strictness by the
more bigoted part of the community. This
ceremony was likewise, in those primitive
times, considered as an indispensable prelimi-

TARRED AND FEATHERED.

nary to matrimony, their courtships commenc-
ing where ours usually finish, — by which
means they acquired that intimate acquaintance
with each other’s good qualities before mar-
riage, which has been pronounced by philoso-
phers the sure basis of a happy union. Thus

294

B Ibistor^ of IRevv liJorJ?

early did this cunning and ingenious people
display a shrewdness of making a bargain,
which has ever since distinguished them, — and
a strict adherence to the good old vulgar
maxim about “ bu3dng a pig in a poke.”

To this sagacious custom, therefore, do I
chiefly attribute the unparalleled increase of
the Yanokie or Yankee race ; for it is a certain
fact, well authenticated by court records and
parish registers, that, wherever the practice of
bundling prevailed, there was an amazing
number of sturdy brats annually born unto the
State, without the licence of the law, or the
beiieflt of clergy. Neither did the irregularity
of their birth operate in the least to their dis-
paragement. On the contrary, they grew up a
long-sided, raw-boned, hard}^ race of whoreson
whalers, wood-cutters, flsherman, and peddlers,
and strapping corn- fed wenches, — who by their
united efforts tended mar\^ellously towards
peopling those notable tracts of country called
Nantucket, Piscatawa}^ and Cape Cod.

M

Cbapter ID1F1I1F

HOW these singuear barbarians turned out to
BE notorious squatters — HOW THEY BUIET AIR-
castees, and attempted to initiate the NEDER-

EANDERS INTO THE MYSTERY OF BUNDEING.

TT^ chapter I have

^ given a faithful and un-

prejudiced account of the
origin of that singular
race of people inhabiting
country eastward of
' Nieuw Nederlandts ;

^ men-

lion certain peculiar hab-
' its which rendered them

exceedingly annoying to
■ ’ our ever-honored Dutch

ancestors.

The most prominent of these was a certain
rambling propensity, with which, like the sons
of Ishmael, they seem to have been gifted by
heaven, and which continually goads them on
to shift their residence from place to place, so

296

B Ibistor^ of mcvv l^ork

that a Yankee farmer is in a constant state of
migration, tarrying occasionally here and there,
clearing lands for other people to enjoy, build-
ing houses for others to inhabit, and in a man-
ner may be considered the wandering Arab of
America.

His first thought, on coming to years of
manhood, is to settle himself in the world, —
which means nothing more nor less than to
begin his rambles. To this end he takes unto
himself for a wife some buxom country heir-
ess, passing rich in red ribbons, glass beads,
and mock tortoise-shell combs, with a white
gown and morocco shoes for Sunday, and
deeply skilled in the mystery of making apple-
sweetmeats, long sauce, and pumpkin-pie.

Having thus provided himself, like a ped-
dler with a heavy knapsack, wherewith to re-
gale his shoulders through the journey of life,
he literally sets out on the peregrination. His
whole family, household- furniture, and farm-
ing utensils are hoisted into a covered cart, his
own and his wife’s wardrobe packed up in
a firkin, — which done, he shoulders his axe,
takes staff in hand, whistles “Yankee Doodle,’’
and trudges off to the woods, as confident of
the protection of Providence, and relying as
cheerfully upon his own resources, as ever did
a patriarch of yore when he journeyed into a

of tbe L^ankees 297

strange country of the Gentiles. Having
buried himself in the wilderness, he builds
himself a log hut, clears away a corn-field
and potato patch, and. Providence smiling
upon his labors, is soon surrounded by a snug
farm and some half a score of flaxen-headed
urchins, who, by their size, seem to have
sprung all at once out of the earth, like a crop
of toadstools.

But it is not the nature of this most indefati-
gable of speculators to rest contented with any
state of sublunary enjoyment : improve me7it is
his darling passion ; and having thus improved
his lands, the next care is to provide a man-
sion worthy the residence of a landholder. A
huge palace of pine boards immediately springs
up in the midst of the wilderness, large enough
for a parish church, and furnished with windows
of all dimensions, but so rickety and flimsy
withal, that every blast gives it a fit of the
ague.

By the time the outside of this mighty
air-castle is completed, either the funds or the
zeal of our adventurer is exhausted, so that he
barely manages to furnish one room within,
where the whole family burrow together, —
while the rest of the house is devoted to the
curing of pumpkins, or storing of carrots and
potatoes, and is decorated with fanciful festoons

2g8

B 1bistori5 of IRevv lock

of dried apples and peaches. The outside,
remaining unpainted, grows venerably black
with time ; the family wardrobe is laid un-
der contribution for old hats, petticoats, and
breeches, to stuff into the broken windows,
while the four winds of heaven keep up a
whistling and howling about this aerial palace,
and play as many unruly gambols as they did
of yore in the cave of old ^olus.

The humble log hut, which whilom nestled
this improving family snugly within its narrow
but comfortable walls, stands hard by, in igno-
minious contrast, degraded into a cow-house
or pig-sty ; and the whole scene reminds one
forcibly of a fable, which I am surprised has
never been recorded, of an aspiring snail, who
abandoned his humble habitation, which he
had long filled with great respectability, to
crawl into the empty shell of a lobster, — where
he would no doubt have resided with great
style and splendor, the envy and the hate of
all the painstaking snails in the neighborhood,
had he not perished with cold in one corner of
his stupendous mansion.

Being thus completely settled, and, to use
his own words, “to rights,” one would imag-
ine that he would begin to enjoy the comforts
of his situation, — to read newspapers, talk
politics, neglect his own business, and attend

l^anF^ce /llbannere 299 |

to the affairs of the nation, like a useful and I
patriotic citizen ; but now it is that his way-
ward disposition begins again to operate. He
soon grows tired of a spot where there is no
longer any room for improvement, — sells his
farm, air-castle, petticoat windows and all, re-
loads his cart, shoulders his axe, puts himself
at the head of his family, and wanders away
in search of new lands, — again to fell trees, —
again to clear corn-fields, — again to build a
shingle palace, and again to sell off and wan-
der. Such were the people of Connecticut,
who bordered upon the eastern frontier of New
Netherlands ; and my readers may easily imag-
ine what uncomfortable neighbors this light- 1
hearted but restless tribe must have been to 1
our tranquil progenitors. If they cannot, I
would ask them if they have ever known one
of our regular, well-organized Dutch families,
whom it hath pleased heaven to afflict with the
neighborhood of a French boarding-house ?
The honest old burgher cannot take his after-
noon’s pipe on the bench before his door, but
he is persecuted with the scraping of fiddles, |
the chattering of women, and the squalling of '
children ; he cannot sleep at night for the j
horrible melodies of some amateur, who chooses
to serenade the moon, and display his terrible
proficiency in execution, on the clarionet, haut-

300 B Ibistov^ Of IRew ftiork

boy, or some other soft- toned instrument ; nor
can he leave the street-door open, but his house
is defiled by the unsavory visits of a troop of
pup-dogs, who even sometimes cariy' their
loathsome ravages into the sanctum sanctorum^
the parlor !

If my readers have ever witnessed the suffer-
ings of such a family, so situated, they may
form some idea how our worthy ancestors were
distressed by their mercurial neighbors of
Connecticut.

Gangs of these marauders, we are told, pene-
trated into the New Netherland settlements,
and threw whole villages into consternation by
their unparalleled volubility and their intolera-
' ble inquisitiveness, — two evil habits hitherto
unknown in those parts, or only known to be
abhorred ; for our ancestors were noted as being
j men of truly Spartan taciturnity, and who
' neither knew nor cared aught about anybody’s
' concerns but their own. Many enormities
were committed on the highways, where sev-
eral unoffending burghers were brought to a
stand, and tortured with questions and guesses,
— which outrages occasioned as much vexation
and heart-burning as does the modern right of
I search on the high seas.

' Great jealousy did they likewise stir up, b}^

; their intermeddling and successes among the

divine sex ; for, being a race of brisk, likely,
pleasant-tongued varlets, they soon seduced
the light affections of the simple damsels from
their ponderous Dutch gallants. Among other
hideous customs, they attempted to introduce
among them that of bundling, which the Dutch
lasses of the Nederlandts, with that eager pas-
sion for novelty and foreign fashions natural
to their sex, seemed very well inclined to fol-
low, but that their mothers, being more expe-
rienced in the world, and better acquainted
with men and things, strenuously discounte-
nanced all such outlandish innovations.

But what chiefly operated to embroil our
ancestors with these strange folk, was an un-
warrantable liberty which they occasionally
took of entering in hordes into the territories
of the New Netherlands, and settling them-
selves down, without leave or licence, to
improve the land, in the manner I have before
noticed. This unceremonious mode of taking
possession of new land was technically termed
squatting, and hence is derived the appellation
of squatters, — a name odious in the ears of all
great land-holders, and which is given to those
enterprising worthies who seize upon land first,
and take their chance to make good their title
to it afterwards.

All these grievances, and many others which

l^ankee /Hbanners

were constantly accumulating, tended to form
that dark and portentous cloud, which, as I
observ^ed in a former chapter, was slowly gath-
ering over the tranquil province of New
Netherlands. The pacific cabinet of Van
Twiller, however, as will be perceived in the
sequel, bore them all with a magnanimity that

BRISK, LIKELY, PLEASANT-TONGUED VARLETS.”

redounds to their immortal credit, becoming
by passive endurance inured to this increasing
mass of wrongs, — like that mighty man of old,
who, by dint of carrying about a calf from the
time it was born, continued to carry it without
difficulty when it had grown to be an ox.

Chapter IFf.

HOW THE FORT GOED HOOP WAS FEARFUEEY BE-
LEAGUERED— HOW THE RENOWNED WOUTER FEEL
INTO A PROFOUND DOUBT, AND HOW HE FINALLY
EVAPORATED.

Y this time my readers
must fully perceive
what an arduous task I
have undertaken, — ex-
ploring a little kind of
Herculaneum of history ,
which had lain nearly
for ages buried under
the rubbish of years, and almost totally forgot-
ten,— raking up the limbs and fragments of
disjointed facts, and endeavoring to put them
scrupulously together, so as to restore them to
their original form and connection, — now lug-
ging forth the character of an almost forgotten
hero, like a mutilated statue, now deciphering a
half-defaced inscription, and now lighting upon
a mouldering manuscript, which, after painful
study scarce repays the trouble of perusal.

/Ilbi66tatemcnt9 of 1bi9toriati0 • 305

$.

M

In such case, how much has the reader to

depend upon the honor and probity of his

author, lest, like a cunning antiquarian, he

either impose upon him some spurious fabrica-

;

tion of his own for a precious relic of antiquity,

or else dress up the dismembered fragment with
such false trappings, that it is scarcely possible
to distinguish the truth from the fiction with

r

which it is enveloped. This is a grievance

li ^

which I have more than once had to lament, in
the course of my wearisome researches among

Ml

v\I

the works of ni}^ fellow-historians, who have

V

strangely disguised and distorted the facts

\ / /

respecting this country ; and particularly

k// '

respecting the great province of New Nether-

lands ; as will be perceived by any who will

take the trouble to compare their romantic

effusions, tricked out in the meretricious gauds

of fable, with this authentic history.

I have had more vexations of the kind to

/ //

encounter, in those parts of my history which

treat of the transactions on the eastern border.

than in any other, in consequence of the troops

Oil

of historians who have infested these quarters.

wl

and have shown the honest people of Nieuw

Y \ i

■y- 1

Nederlandts no mercy in their works. Among

4-7'

the rest, Mr. Benjamin Trumbull arrogantly

IkW

Mf

declares, that “ the Dutch were always mere

W

intruders.” Now, to this I shall make no

'^M\

VOL. I —20

Av

// A A •

3o6 b Ibietori? of IRew HJork

other reply than to proceed in the steady nar-
ration of my history, which will contain not
only proofs that the Dutch had clear title and
possession in the fair valleys of the Connecticut,
and that they were wrongfully dispossessed
thereof, but likewise, that they have been
scandalously maltreated ever since by the
misrepresentations of the crafty historians
of New England. And in this I shall be
guided by a spirit of truth and impartiality,
and a regard to immortal fame ; for I would
not wittingly dishonor my work by a single
falsehood, misrepresentation, or prejudice,
though it should gain our forefathers the
whole country of New England.

I have already noticed, in a former chapter
of my history, that the territories of the Nieuw
Nederlandts, extended on the east, quite to the
Varsche or fresh, or Connecticut River. Here,
at an early period, had been established a
frontier post on the bank of the river, and
called Fort Goed Hoop, not far from the site
of the present fair city of Hartford. It was
placed under the command of Jacobus Van
Curlet, or Curbs, as some historians will have
it, — a doughty soldier, of that stomachful class
famous for eating all they kill. He was long
in the body and short in the limb, as though a
tall man’s body had been mounted on a little

1

\

B 1bi6tori2 of IRcw

man’s legs. He made up for this turnspit con-
struction by striding to such an extent, that
you would have sworn he had on the seven-
leagued boots of Jack the Giant-killer ; and so
high did he tread on parade, that his soldiers
were sometimes alarmed lest he should trample
hinivSelf under foot.

But notwithstanding the erection of this fort,
and the appointment of this ugly little man of
war as commander, the Yankees continued the
interlopings hinted at in my last chapter, and
at length had the audacity to squat themselves
down within the jurisdiction of Fort Goed
Hoop.

The long-bodied Van Curlet protested with
great spirit against these unwarrantable en-
croachments, couching his protest in Low
Dutch, by way of inspiring more terror, and
forthwith despatched a copy of the protest to
the governor at New Amsterdam, together
with a long and bitter account of the aggres-
sions of the enemy. This done, he ordered
his men, one and all, to be of good cheer,
shut the gate of the fort, smoked three pipes,
went to bed, and awaited the result with a
resolute and intrepid tranquillity, that greatly
animated his adherents, and no doubt struck
sore dismay and affright into the hearts of the
enemy.

ro'

\n

' Q:be Dencrable' lt)an ^TwUicr 309

'h/

Uf^

Now it came to pass, that about this time
the renowned Wouter Van Twiller, full of

years and honors, and council-dinners, had

f A'

reached that period of life and faculty which.

according to the great Gulliver, entitles a man

s

to admission into the ancient order of Struld-
bruggs. He employed his time in smoking his i
i Turkish pipe, amid an assemblage of sages, |

In

equally enlightened and nearly as venerable as

vl '

himself, and who, for their silence, their gravity.

'

^ V

their wisdom, and their cautious averseness to

T /T

coming to any conclusion in business, are only

\jl

u '

to be equalled by certain profound corporations

vn

which I have known in m}^ time. Upon read-

in

ing the protest of the gallant Jacobus Van

/ H

Curlet, therefore, his excellency fell straight-

way into one of the deepest doubts that ever he
was known to encounter ; his capacious head

J

gradually drooped on his chest, he closed his
eyes, and inclined his ear to one side, as if lis-
tening with great attention to the discussion

A '

that was going on in his belly, — and which all

who knew him declared to be the huge court-

house or council-chamber of his thoughts.

<2^

forming to his head what the house of repre-

; / 4

j sentatives does to the Senate. An inarticulate

i A i

'm

'fl

77 \

sound, very much resembling a snore, occa-

fOX'

sionally escaped him ; but the nature of this

\Y''/

internal cogitation was never known, as he

w

/ '■! X

(j^

310

B Ibistore of IRcw l^orl?

never opened his lips on the subject to man,
woman, or child. In the meantime, the
protest of Van Curlet lay quietly on the table,
where it served to light the pipes of the
venerable sages assembled in council ; and
in the great smoke which they raised, the
gallant Jacobus, his protest, and his mighty
Fort Goed Hoop were soon as completely be-
clouded and forgotten as is a question of
emergency swallowed up in the speeches and
resolutions of a modern session of Congress.

There are certain emergencies when your pro-
found legislators and sage deliberative councils
are mightily in the way of a nation, and when
an ounce of hare-brained decision is worth a
pound of sage doubt and cautious discussion.
Such, at least, was the case at present ; for,
while the renowned Wouter Van Twiller was
daily battling with his doubts, and his reso-
lution growing weaker and weaker in the con-
test, the enemy pushed farther and farther into
his territories, and assumed a most formidable
appearance in the neighborhood of Fort Goed
Hoop. Here they founded the mighty town
of Pyquag, or, as it has since been called.
Weather sfield, a place which, if we may credit
the assertions of that worthy historian, John
Josselyn, Gent., “ hath been infamous by rea-
son of the witches therein. ’ ’ And so daring did

V.

to strengthen his redoubts, heighten his breast-
works, deepen his fosse, and fortify his position
with a double row of abatis ; after w^hich he
despatched a fresh courier with accounts of his
perilous situation.

The courier chosen to bear the despatches
was a fat, oily little man, as being less liable to
be worn out, or to lose leather on the journey ;
and to insure his speed, he was mounted on
the fleetest wagon-horse in the garrison,
remarkable for length of limb, largeness of
bone, and hardness of trot, and so tall, that the
little messenger was obliged to climb on his
back by means of his tail and crupper. Such
extraordinary speed did he make, that he
arrived at Fort Amsterdam in a little less than
a month, though the distance was full two hun-
dred pipes, or about one hundred and twenty
miles.

With an appearance of great hurry and
business, and smoking a short travelling-pipe,
he proceeded on a long swing-trot through the
muddy lanes of the metropolis, demolishing
whole batches of dirt pies, which the little
Dutch children were making in the road ; and
for which kind of pastry the children of this
city have ever been famous. On arriving at the
governor’s house he climbed down from his
steed, roused the gray-headed door-keeper, old

Arrival ot tbe Courier

Skaats, who, like his lineal descendant and
faithful representative, the venerable crier of
our court, was nodding at his post, rattled at
the door of the council-chamber, and startled
the members as they were dozing over a plan
for establishing a public market.

HE PROCEEDED ON A LONG SWING-TROT THROUGH THE MUDDY LANES.

At that very moment a gentle grunt, or
rather a deep-drawn snore, was heard from the
chair of the governor ; a whiff of smoke was
at the same instant observed to escape from his
lips, and a light cloud to ascend from the bowl

314

B Ibistore of IRew l^orh

of his pipe. The council, of course, supposed
him engaged in deep sleep, for the good of the
community, and, according to custom in all
such cases established, every man bawled out
silence, when, of a sudden, the door flew open,
and the little courier straddled into the apart-
ment, cased to the middle in a pair of Hessian
boots, which he had got into for the sake of
expedition. In his right hand he held forth
the ominous despatches, and with his left he
grasped firmly the waistband of his galligas-
kins, which had unfortunately given way in
the exertion of descending from his horse.
He stumped resolutely up to the governor,
and with more huriy" than perspicuity de-
livered his message. But fortunately his ill
tidings came too late to ruffle the tranquillity
of this most tranquil of rulers. His venerable
excellency had just breathed and smoked his
last, — his lungs and his pipe having been ex-
hausted together, and his peaceful soul having
escaped in the last whiff that curled from his
tobacco-pipe. In a word, the renowned Wal-
ter the Doubter, who had so often slumbered
with his contemporaries, now slept with his
fathers, and Wilhelmus Kieft governed in his
stead.

Chapter IF

SHOWING THH NATURE OF HISTORY IN GENERAL ;
CONTAINING FURTHERMORE THE UNIVERSAL AC-
QUIREMENTS OF WILLIAM THE TESTY, AND HOW A
MAN MAY learn SO MUCH AS TO RENDER HIM-
SELF GOOD FOR NOTHING.

THEN the lofty Thucyd-
about to enter
▼ upon his description of
the plague that deso-
lated Athens, one of
his modern conimenta-
^Qj.g assures the reader,
that the history is now going to be exceeding
solemn, serious, and pathetic, and hints, with
that air of chuckling gratulation with which a
good dame draws forth a choice morsel from
a cupboard to regale a favorite, that this
plague will give his history a most agreeable
variety.

In like manner did my heart leap within me,
when I came to the dolorous dilemma of Fort
Goed Hoop, which I at once perceived to be the

!

I

3i8 b Ibietorg of IRcw J^ork

forerunner of a series of great events and enter-
taining disasters. Such are the true subjects
for the historic pen. For what is history, in
fact, but a kind of Newgate calendar, a register
of the crimes and miseries that man has in-
flicted on his fellowman ? It is a huge libel on
human nature, to which we industriously add
page after page, volume after volume, as if we
were building up a monument to the honor,
rather than the infamy of our species. If we
turn over the pages of these chronicles that
man has written of himself, what are the char-
acters dignified by the appellation of great,
and held up to the admiration of posterity?
Tyrants, robbers, conquerors, renowned only
for the magnitude of their misdeeds, and the
stupendous wrongs and miseries they have in-
flicted on mankind, — warriors, who have hired
themselves to the trade of blood, not from mo-
tives of virtuous patriotism, or to protect the
injured and defenceless, but merely to gain the
vaunted glory of being adroit and successful
in massacring their fellow-beings ! What are
the great events that constitute a glorious era ?
— The fall of empires ; the desolation of happy
countries ; splendid cities .smoking in their
ruins ; the proudest works of art tumbled in
the dust ; the shrieks and groans of whole
nations ascending unto heaven !

320

B Ibistor^ of 1Rew l^ort?

of nature, to trace the mutual dependencies
of things, how they are created reciprocally
for each other, and how the most noxious
and apparently unnecessary animal has its
uses. Thus those swarms of flies, which are so
often execrated as useless vermin, are created
for the sustenance of spiders ; and spiders, on
the other hand, are evidently made to devour j
flies. So those heroes, who have been such
scourges to the world, were bounteously pro-
vided as themes for the poet and historian,
while the poet and the historian were destined
to record the achievements of heroes !

These, and many similar reflections, natur-
ally arose in my mind as I took up my pen to
commence the reign of William Kieft : for now
the stream of our history, which hitherto has |
rolled in a tranquil current, is about to depart j
forever from its peaceful haunts, and brawl i
through many a turbulent and rugged scene. :

As some sleek ox, sunk in the rich repose of
a clover-fleld, dozing and chewing the cud, will ‘
bear repeated blows before it raises itself, so
the province of Nieuw Nederlandts, having
waxed fat under the drowsy reign of the
Doubter, needed cuffs and kicks to rouse it into
action. The reader will now witness the man- j
ner in which a peaceful community advances i
towards a state of war ; which is apt to be like

the approach of a horse to a drum, with much
prancing and little progress, and too often with
the wrong end foremost.

Wilhelmus Kieft, who in 1634 ascended
the gubernatorial chair (to borrow a favorite
though clumsy appellation of modern phrase-
ologists), was of a lofty descent, his father being
inspector of wind-mills in the ancient town of
Saardam ; and our hero, we are told, when a
boy, made very curious investigations into the
nature and operation of these machines, which
was one reason why he afterwards came to be
so ingenious a governor. His name, according
to the most authentic etymologists, was a cor-
ruption of Kyver, that is to say, a wra7igler or
scolder^ and expressed the characteristic of his
family, which, for nearly two centuries, had
kept the windy town of Saardam in hot water,
and produced more tartars and brimstones than
any ten families in the place ; and so truly did
he inherit this family peculiarity, that he had
not been a year in the government of the prov-
ince, before he was universally denominated
William the Testy. His appearance answered
to his name. He was a brisk, wiry, waspish
little old gentleman ; such a one as may now
and then be seen stumping about our city in a
broad-skirted coat with huge buttons, a cocked
hat stuck on the back of his head, and a cane

VOL. I. — 21

/c-

\i',

¥ ~

f '

322

B 1bi6tor^ of IRew l^ork

as high as his chin. His face was broad, but
his features were sharp ; his cheeks were
scorched into a dusky red by two fiery little
gray eyes ; his nose turned up, and the corners
of his mouth turned down, pretty much like
the muzzle of an irritable pug-dog.

I have heard it observed by a profound adept
in human physiology, that if a woman waxes
fat with the progress of years, her tenure of life
is somewhat precarious, but if haply she
withers as she grows old, she lives forever.
Such promised to be the case with William the
Testy, who grew tough in proportion as he
dried. He had withered, in fact, not through
the process of years, but through the tropical
fervor of his soul, which burnt like a vehement
rush-light in his bosom, inciting him to inces-
sant broils and bickerings. Ancient traditions
speak much of his learning, and of the gallant
inroads he had made into the dead languages,
in which he had made captive a host of Greek
nouns and Latin verbs, and brought off rich
booty in ancient saws and apothegms, which he
was wont to parade in his public harangues, as
a triumphant general of yore his spolia opima.
Of metaphysics he knew enough to confound
all hearers and himself into the bargain. In
logic, he knew the whole family of syllogisms
and dilemmas, and was so proud of his skill

IV-.

\

324

B Ibiatori^ of IRew loth

that he never suffered even a self-evident fact to
pass unargued. It was observed, however, that
he seldom got into an argument without
getting into a perplexit}^, and then into a pas-
sion with his adversary for not being convinced
gratis.

He had, moreover, skirmished smartly on
the frontiers of several of the sciences, was
fond of experimental philosophy, and prided
himself upon inventions of all kinds. His
abode, which he had fixed at a Bowerie or
country-seat at a short distance from the city,
just at what is now called Dutch Street, soon
abounded with proofs of his ingenuity : patent
smoke-jacks that required a horse to work
them ; Dutch ovens that roasted meat without
fire ; carts that went before the horses ; weather-
cocks that turned against the wind ; and other
wrong-headed contrivances that astonished and
confounded all beholders. The house, too, was
beset with paralytic cats and dogs, the subjects
of his experimental philosophy ; and the yelling
and yelping of the latter unhappy victims of sci-
ence, while aiding in the pursuit of knowledge,
soon gained for the place the name of “ Dog’s
Misery,” by which it continues to be known
at the present day.

It is in knowledge as in swimming ; he who
flounders and splashes on the surface makes

A

A')

TUnivcreal 0cniu9

325

more noise, and attracts more attention, than
the pearl-diver who quietly dives in quest of
treasures at the bottom. The vast acquire-
ments of the new governor were the theme
of marvel among the simple burghers of New
Amsterdam ; he figured about the place as
learned a man as a Bonze at Pekin, who has
mastered one half of the Chinese alphabet, and
was unanimously pronounced a “ universal
genius ? ’ ’

I have known in my time many a genius of
this stamp ; but, to speak my mind freely, I
never knew one who, for the ordinary purposes
of life, was worth his weight in straw. In
this respect, a little sound judgment and plain
common-sense is worth all the sparkling genius
that ever wrote poetry or invented theories.
Let us see how the universal acquirements of
William the Testy aided him in the affairs of
government.

Chapter n.

HOW WII^UAM THE TESTY UNDERTOOK TO CONQUER
BY PROCEAMATION — HOW HE WAS A GREAT MAN
ABROAD, BUT A EITTEE MAN IN HIS OWN HOUSE.

U O sooner had this bustling
K little potentate been blown
Bf by a whilf of fortune into
'P the seat of^ government
than he called his council
together to make them a
speech on the state of
affairs.

Caius Gracchus, it is

said, when he harangued the Roman populace,
modulated his tone by an oratorical flute or
pitch-pipe ; Wilhelmus Kieft, not having such
an instrument at hand, availed himself of that
musical organ or trump which nature has im-
planted in the midst of a man’s face : in other
words, he preluded his address by a sonorous
blast of the nose, — a preliminary flourish much
in vogue among public orators.

He then commenced by expressing his hum-

j

ble sense of his utter unworthiness of the high
post to which he had been appointed ; which
made some of the simple burghers wonder why
he undertook it, not knowing that it is a
point of etiquette with a public orator never to
enter upon a public office without declaring
himself unworthy to cross the threshold. He
then proceeded in a manner highly classic and
erudite to speak of government generally, and
of the governments of ancient Greece in particu-
lar, together with the wars of Rome and Car-
thage, and the rise and fall of sundry outlandish
empires which the worthy burghers had never
read nor heard of. Having thus, after the
manner of your learned orator, treated things
in general, he came, by a natural, roundabout
transition, to the matter in hand, namely, the
daring aggressions of the Yankees.

As my readers are well aware of the advan-
tage a potentate has in handling his enemies as
he pleases in his speeches and bulletins, where
he has the talk all on his own side, they may
rest assured that William the Testy did not let
such an opportunity escape of giving the
Yankees what is called ‘ ‘ a taste of his quality. ’ ’
In speaking of their inroads into the territories
of their High Mightinesses, he compared them
to the Gauls who desolated Rome, the Goths
and Vandals who overran the fairest plains of

328

B 1bi6tori5 of IRew l^ork

Europe ; but when he came to speak of the
unparalleled audacity with which they of
Weathersfield had advanced their patches up
to the ver}" walls of Fort Goed Hoop, and
threatened to smother the garrison in onions,
tears of rage started into his eyes, as though
he nosed the very offence in question.

Having thus wrought up his tale to a climax,
he assumed a most belligerent look, and
assured the council that he had devised an in-
strument, potent in its effects, and which he
trusted would soon drive the Yankees from the
land. So saying, he thrust his hand into one
of the deep pockets of his broad-skirted coat
and drew forth, not an infernal machine, but an
instrument in writing, which he laid with great
emphasis upon the table.

The burghers gazed at it for a time in silent
awe, as a wary housewife does at a gun, fearful
it may go off half-cocked. The document in
question had a sinister look, it is true ; it was
crabbed in text, and from a broad red ribbon
dangled the great seal of the province, about
the size of a buckwheat pancake. Still, after
all, it was but an instrument in writing.
Herein, however, existed the wonder of the
invention. The document in question was a
Proclamation, ordering the Yankees to
depart instantly from the territories of their

B IFlew /lRoC)e of (Sovernmcnt

High Mightinesses, under pain of suffering all
the forfeitures and punishments in such a case
made and provided. In was on the moral
effect of this formidable instrument that
Wilhelmus Kieft calculated, pledging his valor
as a governor that, once fulminated against the

THE GREAT SEAL OF THE PROVINCE.

Yankees, it would, in less than two months,
drive every mother’s son of them across the
borders.

The council broke up in perfect wonder ; and
nothing was talked of for some time among the
old men and women of New Amsterdam but
the vast genius of the governor, and his new
and cheap mode of fighting by proclamation.

330

B 1bi0tori2 of IRew lock

As to Wilhelmus Kieft, having despatched
his proclamation to the frontiers, he put on his
cocked hat and corduroy small-clothes, and
mounting a tall raw-boned charger, trotted out
to his rural retreat of Dog’s Misery. Here, like
the good Numa, he reposed from the toils of
state, taking lessons in government, not from
the nymph Egeria, but from the honored wife
of his bosom ; who was one of that class of
females sent upon the earth a little after the
flood, as a punishment for the sins of mankind,
and commonly known by the appellation of
blowing women. In fact, my duty as an his-
torian obliges me to make known a circum-
stance which was a great secret at the time,
and consequently was not a subject of scandal
at more than half the tea-tables in New Am-
sterdam, but which, like many other great
secrets, has leaked out in the lapse of years, —
and this was, that Wilhelmus the Testy,
though one of the most potent little men that
ever breathed, yet submitted at home to a
species of government, neither laid down in
Aristotle nor Plato ; in short, it partook of the
nature of a pure, unmixed tyranny, and is
familiarly denominated petticoat government —
an absolute sway, which, although exceed-
ingly common in these modern days, was very
rare among the ancients, if we may judge from

Ipctttcoat (3overnment

the rout made about the domestic economy of
honest Socrates ; which is the only ancient case
on record.

The great Kieft, however, warded off all the
sneers and sarcasms of his particular friends,
who are ever ready to joke with a man on sore
points of the kind, by alleging that it was a
government of his own election, to which he
submitted through choice, adding at the same
time a profound maxim which he had found in
an ancient author, that ‘ ‘ he who would aspire
to goverji^ should first learn to obey''

V

IN WHICH ARE RECORDED THE SAGE PROJECTS OF

A ruder of universae genius — the art of

FIGHTING BY PROCEAMATION — AND HOW THAT
THE VAEIANT JACOBUS VAN CUREET CAME TO BE
FOUEEY DISHONORED AT FORT GOED HOOP.

[EVER was a more compre-
hensive, a more expedi-
tious, or, what is still
better, a more economical
measure devised, than this
of defeating the Yankees
by proclamation, — an ex-
pedient, likewise, so gentle
and humane, there were
ten chances to one in favor of its succeeding ; but
then there was one chance to ten that it would
not succeed, — as the ill-natured fates would
have it, that single chance carried the day !
The proclamation was perfect in all its parts,
well constructed, well written, well sealed, and
well published ; all that was wanting to insure
its effect was, that the Y ankees should stand in

Zbc l^ankeee' Bncroacbmcnts

awe of it ; but, provoking to relate, they treated
it with the most absolute contempt, applied it
to an unseemly purpose ; and thus did the first
warlike proclamation come to a shameful end,
— a fate which I am credibly informed has
befallen but too many of its successors.

KIDNAPPING HOGS.

So far from abandoning the country, those
varlets continued their encroachments, squat-
ting along the green banks of the Varsche
River, and founding Hartford, Stamford, New
Haven, and other border-towns. I have
already shown how the onion patches of Pyquag

334

B Ibietor^ of Mew l^ork

were an eye-sore to Jacobus Van Curlet and
his garrison ; but now these moss-troopers
increased in their atrocities, kidnapping hogs,
impounding horses, and sometimes grievously
rib-roasting their owners. Our worthy fore-
fathers could scarcely stir abroad without
danger of being out-jockeyed in horse-flesh, or
taken in in bargaining ; while, in their absence,
some daring Yankee peddler would penetrate
to their household, and nearly ruin the good
housewives with tin ware and wooden bowls.*

I am well aware of the perils which environ
me in this part of my history. While raking
with curious hand but pious heart, among the
mouldering remains of former days, anxious
to draw therefrom the honey of wisdom, I ma}"
fare somewhat like that valiant worthy, Sam-
son, who, in meddling with the carcass of a

* The following cases in point appear in Hazard’s
Collection of State Papers.

“ In the meantime, they of Hartford have not onely
usurped and taken in the lands of Connecticott,
although unrighteously and against the lawes of na-
tions but have hindered our nation in sowing theire
own purchased broken up lands, but have also sowed
them with come in the night, which the Nederlan-
ders had broken up and intended to sowe : and have
beaten the servants of the high and mighty the
honored companie, which were laboring upon theire
master’s lands, from theire lands, with sticks and

^be Yankees* JEncroacbments

335

^ dead lion, drew a swarm of bees about his ears.

! Thus, while narrating the many misdeeds of
' the Yanokie or Yankee race, it is ten chances
to one but I offend the morbid sensibilities of
certain of their unreasonable descendants, who
' may fly out and raise such a buzzing about
this unlucky head of mine, that I shall need
the tough hide of an Achilles, or an Orlando
Furioso, to protect me from their stings.

Should such be the case, I should deeply
and sincerely lament, — not my misfortune in
giving offence, but the wrong-headed per-
verseness of an ill-natured generation, in
' taking offence at anything I say. That their
ancestors did use my ancestors ill is true, and
I am very sorry for it. I would, with all my
heart, the fact were otherwise ; but as I am
recording the sacred events of history, I ’d not

plow staves iu hostile manner laming, and among the
rest, struck Ever Duckings [Evert Duyekink] a hole
in his head, with a stick, so that the bloode ran downe
1 very strongly downe upon his body.”

“Those of Hartford sold a hogg, that belonged to
the honored companie, under pretence that he had
eaten of theire grouude grass, when they had not any
foot of inheritance. They proffered the hogg for 55. I
if the commissioners would have given 55. for
damage ; which the commissioners denied, because
noe man’s own hogg (as men used to say) can trespass
upon his owne master’s grounde.”

336

B 1bi6tori2 of IRew |)orh

bate one nail’s breadth of the honest truth,
though I were sure the whole edition of m3"
work would be bought up and burnt by the
common hangman of Connecticut. And in
sooth, now that these testy gentlemen have
drawn me out, I will make bold to go further,
and observe that this is one of the grand pur-
poses for which we impartial historians are
sent into the world, to redress wrongs and
render justice on the heads of the guilt3". So
that, though a powerful nation may wrong its
neighbors with temporary impunity, 3^et sooner
or later an historian springs up, who wreaks
ample chastisement on it in return.

Thus these moss-troopers of the east little
thought, I ’ll warrant it, while they were
harassing the inoffensive province of Nieuw
Nederlandts, and driving its unhappy gov-
ernor to his wit’s end, that an historian would
ever arise, and give them their own, with
interest. Since, then, I am but performing
my bounden duty as an historian, in avenging
the wrongs of our revered ancestors, I shall
make no further apology ; and, indeed, when
I it is considered that I have all these ancient
borderers of the east in my power, and at
the mercy of my pen, I trust that it will be
admitted I conduct myself with great humanity
and moderation.

IJA.

It was long before William the Testy could
be persuaded that his much- vaunted war-
measure was ineffectual ; on the contrary, he
flew in a passion whenever it was doubted,
swearing that, though slow in operation, yet
when it once began to work, it would soon
purge the land of these invaders. When con-
vinced' at length, of the truth, like a shrewd
physician he attributed the failure to the
quantity, not the quality of the medicine, and
resolved to double the dose. He fulminated,
therefore, a second proclamation, more vehe-
ment than the first, forbidding all intercourse
with these Yankee intruders, ordering the
Dutch burghers on the frontiers to buy none
of their pacing horses, measly pork, apple-
sweetmeats, Weathersfield onions, or wooden
bowls, and to furnish them with no supplies
of gin, gingerbread, or sourkrout.

Another interval elapsed, during which the
last proclamation was as little regarded as the
first ; and the non-intercourse was especially
set at naught by the young folks of both
sexes, if we may judge by the active bundling
which took place along the borders.

At length, one day the inhabitants of New
Amsterdam were aroused by a furious barking
of dogs, great and small, and beheld, to their
surprise, the whole garrison of Fort Goed

338

B 1f3i0tor^ of IRew l^ork

Hoop straggling into town all tattered and
wayworn, with Jacobus Van Curlet at their
head, bringing the melancholy intelligence
of the capture of Fort Goed Hoop by the
Yankees.

The fate of this important fortress is an
impressive warning to all military command-
ers. It was neither carried by storm nor
famine ; nor was it undermined ; nor bom-
barded ; nor set on fire by red-hot shot ; but
was taken by a stratagem no less singular than
effectual, and which can never fail of success,
whenever an opportunity occurs of putting it
in practice.

It seems that the Yankees had received in-
telligence that the garrison of Jacobus Van
Curlet had been reduced nearly one eighth by
the death of two of his most corpulent soldiers,
who had overeaten themselves on fat salmon
caught in the Varsche River. A secret expedi-
tion was immediately set on foot to surprise
the fortress. The crafty enemy, knowing the
habits of the garrison to sleep soundly after
they had eaten their dinners and smoked their
pipes, stole upon them at the noontide of a
sultry summer’s day, and surprised them in the
midst of their slumbers.

In an instant the flag of their High Mighti-
nesses was lowered, and the Yankee standard

340

B Ibtstor^ of IRew ll?orh

elevated in its stead, being a dried codfish, by
way of a spread eagle. A strong garrison was
appointed, of long-sided, hard-fisted Yankees,
with Weathersfield onions for cockades and
feathers. As to Jacobus Van Curlet and his
men, they were seized by the nape of the
neck, conducted to the gate, and one by one
dismissed by a kick in the crupper, as Charles
XII. dismissed the heavy-bottomed Russians
at the battle of Narva; Jacobus Van Curlet
receiving two kicks in consideration of his
official dignity.

Chapter Hit).

CONTAINING THE FEARFUE WRATH OF WIEEIAM THE

testy, and the AEARM of new AMSTERDAM —

HOW THE GOVERNOR DID STRONGEY FORTIFY THE
CITY— OF THE RISE OF ANTONY THE TRUMPETER,
AND THE WINDY ADDITION TO THE ARMORIAE
BEARINGS OF NEW AMSTERDAM.

ANGUAGE cannot ex-
press the awful ire of
William the Testy on
hearing of the catastro-
phe at Fort Goed Hoop.
For three good hours
his rage was too great
for words, or rather the

I words were too great for him (being a very
small man), and he was nearly choked by the
misshapen, nine-cornered Dutch oaths and
epithets which crowded at once into his gullet.
At length his words found vent, and for three
days he kept up a constant discharge, anathe-
matizing the Yankees, man, woman, and child.

twistzoekeren, blaes-kaken, loosen-sclialken,
kakken-bedden, and a thousand other names,
of which, unfortunately for posterity, history
does not mention. Finally, he swore that he
would have nothing more to do with such a
squatting, bundling, guessing, questioning,
swapping, pumpkin-eating, molasses-daubing,
shingle-splitting, cider-watering, horse-jockey-
ing, notion-peddling crew ; that they might
stay at Fort Goed Hoop and rot, before he
would dirty his hands by attempting to drive
them away : in proof of which he ordered the
new-raised troops to be marched forthwith into
winter-quarters, although it was not as yet
quite midsummer. Great despondency now
fell upon the city of New Amsterdam. It was
feared that the conquerors of Fort Goed Hoop,
flushed with victory and apple-brandy, might
march on to the capital, take it by storm, and
annex the whole province to Connecticut. The
name of Yankee became as terrible among the
Nieuw Nederlanders as was that of Gaul among
the ancient Romans ; insomuch that the good
wives of the Manhattoes used it as a bugbear
wherewith to frighten their unruly children.

Everybody clamored around the governor,
imploring him to put the city in a complete
posture of defence ; and he listened to their
clamors. Nobody could accuse William the

Maiime preparations

Testy of being idle in time of danger, or at any
other time. He was never idle, but then he
was often busy to very little purpose. When a
youngling, he had been impressed with the
words of Solomon, “ Go to the ant, thou slug-
gard, observe her ways and be wise ” ; in con-
formity to which he had ever been of a restless,
ant-like turn, hurrying hither and thither,
nobody knew why or wherefore, busying him-
self about small matters with an air of great
importance and anxiety, and toiling at a grain of
mustard-seed in the full conviction that he was
moving a mountain. In the present instance,
he called in all his inventive powers to his
aid, and was continually pondering over plans,
making diagrams, and worrying about with a
troop of workmen and projectors at his heels.
At length, after a world of consultation and
contrivance, his plans of defence ended in rear-
ing a great flag-staff in the centre of the fort,
and perching a wind-mill on each bastion.

These warlike preparations in some measure
allayed the public alarm, especially after an
additional means of securing the safety of the
city had been suggested by the governor’s
lady. It has already been hinted in this most
authentic history, that in the domestic establish-
ment of William the Testy ‘ ‘ the gray mare
was the better horse ” ; in other words, that

344

B Ibistor^ ot IRcvv lI)or{?

his wife “ruled the roast,” and in governing
the governor, governed the province, which
might thus be said to be under petticoat gov-
ernment.

Now it came to pass, that about this time
there lived in Manhattoes a jolly, robustious
trumpeter, named Antony Van Corlear, famous
for his long wind ; and who, as the story goes,
could twang so potently upon his instrument,
that the effect upon all within hearing was like
that ascribed to the Scotch bagpipe when it
sings right lustily i’ the nose.

This sounder of brass was moreover a lusU'
bachelor, with a pleasant, burly visage, a long
nose, and huge whiskers. He had his little
bozverie, or retreat, in the country, where he led
a roistering life, giving dances to the wives and
daughters of the burghers of the Manhattoes,
insomuch that he became a prodigious favorite
with all the women, young and old. He is
said to have been the first to collect that
famous toll levied on the fair sex at Kissing
Bridge, on the highway to Hellgate.*

To this sturdy bachelor the eyes of all the

*The bridge here mentioned by Mr. Knickerbocker
still exists ; but it is said that the toll is seldom col-
lected nowadays, excepting on sleighing parties, by
the descendants of the patriarchs, who still preserve
the traditions of the citv.

.,:h

Bntong Dan Corlear

345

women were turned in this time of darkness
and peril, as the very man to second and
carry out the plans of defence of the gov-
ernor. A kind of petticoat council was forth-
with held at the government house, at which
the governor’s lady presided ; and this lady,
as has been hinted, being all potent with the
governor, the result of these councils was the
elevation of Antony the Trumpeter to the post
of commandant of wind-mills and champion
of New Amsterdam.

The city being thus fortified and garrisoned,
it would have done one’s heart good to .see the
governor snapping his fingers and fidgeting
with delight, as the trumpeter strutted up and
down the ramparts, twanging defiance to the
whole Yankee race, as does a modern editor to
all the principalities and powers on the other
side of the Atlantic. In the hands of Antony
Van Corlear this windy instrument appeared
to him as potent as the horn of the paladin
Astolpho, or even the more classic horn of
Alecto ; nay, he had almost the temerity to
compare it with the rams’ horns celebrated in
Holy Writ, at the very sound of which the
walls of Jericho fell down.

Be all this as it may, the apprehensions of
hostilities from the east gradually died away.
The Yankees made no further invasion ; nay.

C53

346

B Ibietori? of IRew l^orft

they declared that they had only taken pOvSses-
sion of Fort Goed Hoop as being erected
within their territories. So far from manifest-
ing hostility, they continued to throng to New
Amsterdam with the most innocent counte-
nances imaginable, filling the market with
their notions, being as ready to trade with the
Nederlanders as ever, and not a whit more
prone to get to the windward of them in a
bargain.

The old wives of the Manhattoes, who took
tea with the governor’s lady, attributed all this
affected moderation to the awe inspired by the
military preparations of the governor, and the
wind}" prowess of Antony the Trumpeter.

There were not wanting illiberal minds,
however, who sneered at the governor for
thinking to defend his city as he governed it,
by mere wind ; but William Kieft was not to
be jeered out of his wind-mills : he had seen
them perched upon the ramparts of his native
city of Saardam, and was persuaded they were
connected with the great science of defence ;
nay, so much piqued was he by having them
made a matter of ridicule, that he introduced
them into the arms of the city, where they
remain to this day, quartered with the ancient
beaver of the Manhattoes, an emblem and
memento of his policy.

I must not omit to mention that certain wise
old burghers of the Manhattoes, skilful in
expounding signs and mj^steries, after events
have come to pass, consider this early intrusion
of the wind-mill into the escutcheon of our
city, which before had been wholly occupied
by the beaver, as portentous of its after for-
tune, when the quiet Dutchman would be
elbowed aside by the enterprising Yankee, and
patient industry overtopped by windy specu-
lation.

V

Cbapter D.

ON THE JURISPRUDENCE OE WIEEIAM THE TESTY,
AND HIS ADMIRABEE EXPEDIENTS FOR THE
SUPPRESSION OF POVERTY.

MONO the wrecks and
fragments of exalted wis-
dom, which have floated
down the stream of time
from venerable antiquity,
and been picked up by
those humble but indus-
trious wights who ply
along the shores of litera-
ture, we find a shrewd
ordinance of Charondas

1

^ the Locrian legislator.
Anxious to preserve the j udicial code of the State
from the additions and amendments of country
members and seekers of popularity, he ordained
that, whoever proposed a new law, should do it
with a halter about his neck ; whereby, in case
his proposition were rejected, they just hung
him up — and there the matter ended,

350

B Ibietor^ of IWcw l^orf?

The effect was, that for more than two hun-
dred years there was but one trifling alteration
in the j udicial code ; and legal matters were so
clear and .simple that the whole race of lawyers
starved to death for want of employment. The
Locrians, too, being freed from all incitement
to litigation, lived ver}^ lovingly together, and
were so happy a people that they make scarce
any figure in history ; it being only your liti-
gious, quarrelsome, rantipole nations who
make much noise in the world.

I have been reminded of these historical facts
incoming to treat of the internal policy of Wil-
liam the Testy. Well would it have been for
him had he in the course of his universal ac-
quirements stumbled upon the precaution of
the good Charondas, or had he looked nearer
home at the protectorate of Oloffe the Dreamer,
when the community was governed without
laws. Such legislation, however, was not
suited to the busy, meddling mind of William
the Testy. On the contrary, he conceived that
the true wisdom of legislation consisted in the
multiplicity of laws. He accordingly had
great punishments for great crimes, and little
punishments for little offences. By degrees the
whole surface of society was cut up by ditches
and fences, and quickset hedges of the law, and
even the sequestered paths of private life so

■ffntcrnal jpoUc^

beset by petty rules and ordinances, too num-
erous to be remembered, that one could scarce
walk at large without the risk of letting off a
spring-gun or falling into a man-trap.

In a little while the blessings of innumerable
laws became apparent ; a class of men arose to
expound and confound them. Petty courts
were instituted to take cognizance of petty
offences, pettifoggers began to abound ; and
the community was soon set together by the
ears.

Let me not be thought as intending anything
derogatory to the profession of the law, or to
the distinguished members of that illustrious
order. Well am I aware that we have in this
ancient city innumerable worthy gentlemen,
the knights-errant of modern days, who go
about redressing wrongs and defending the
defenceless, not for the love of filthy lucre, nor
the selfish cravings of renown, but merely for
the pleasure of doing good. Sooner would I
throw this trusty pen into the flames, and cork
up my ink-bottle forever, than infringe even
for a nail’s breadth upon the dignity of these
truly benevolent champions of the distressed.
On the contrary, I allude merely to those caitiff
scouts who, in these latter days of evil, infest
the skirts of the profession, as did the recreant
Cornish knights of yore the honorable order of

352

B Ibistor^ of IRew l^orf?

chivalry, — who, under its auspices, commit
flagrant wrongs, — who thrive by quibbles, by
quirks and chicanery, and like vermin increase
the corruption in which they are engendered.

Nothing so soon awakes the malevolent
passions as the facilit}^ of gratification. The
courts of law would never be so crowded with
pett3q vexatious, and disgraceful suits, were it
not for the herds of pettifoggers. These tam-
per with the passions of the poorer and more
ignorant classes, who, as if poverty were not a
sufficient misery in itself, are ever ready to
imbitter it by litigation. These, like quacks
in medicine, excite the malady to profit by the
cure, and retard the cure to augment the fees.
As the quack exhausts the constitution, the
pettifogger exhausts the purse ; and as he who
has once been under the hands of a quack is for-
ever after prone to dabble in drugs, and poison
himself with infallible prescriptions, so the client
of the pettifogger is ever after prone to embroil
himself with his neighbors, and impoverish
himself with successful lawsuits. My readers
will excuse this digression into which I have
been unwarily betrayed ; but I could not avoid
giving a cool and unprejudiced account of an
abomination too prevalent in this excellent
city, and with the effects of which I am rue-
fully acquainted : having been nearly ruined

VOL.

Zbc Cr^incj Sin of {poverty

by a lawsuit which was decided against me ;
and my ruin having been completed by another,
which was decided in my favor.

To return to our theme. There was nothing
in the whole range of moral offences against
which the jurisprudence of William the Testy
was more strenuously directed than the crying
sin of poverty. He pronounced it the root of
all evil, and determined to cut it up, root and
branch, and extirpate it from the land. He had
been struck, in the course of his travels in the
old countries of Europe, with the wisdom of
those notices posted up in country towns, that
“any vagrant found begging there would be
put in the stocks,” and he had observed that
no beggars were to be seen in these neighbor-
hoods ; having doubtless thrown off their rags
and their poverty, and become rich under the
terror of the law. He determined to improve
upon this hint. In a little while a new
machine, of his own invention, was erected
hard by Dog’s Misery. This was nothing
more nor less than a gibbet, of a very strange,
uncouth, and unmatchable construction, far
more efficacious, as he boasted, than the stocks,
for the punishment of poverty. It was for
altitude not a whit inferior to that of Haman
so renowned in Bible history ; but the marvel
of the contrivance was, that the culprit, instead

354

B Ibistors of IRcw lock

of being suspended b}^ the neck, according to
venerable custom, was hoisted by the waistband,
and kept dangling and sprawling between
heaven and earth for an hour or two at a time
— to the infinite entertainment and edification
of the respectable citizens who usually attend
exhibitions of the kind.

It is incredible how the little governor
chuckled at beholding caitiff vagrants and
sturdy beggars thus swinging by the crupper,
and cutting antic gambols in the air. He had
a thousand pleasantries and mirthful conceits
to utter upon these occasions. He called them
his dandlelions — his wild-fowl — his high-fliers
— his spread-eagles — his goshawks — his scare-
crows— and finally, his gallows-birds ; which
ingenious appellation, though originally con-
fined to worthies who had taken the air in this
strange manner, has since grown to be a cant
name given to all candidates for legal eleva-
tion. This punishment, moreover, if we may
credit the assertions of certain grave etymolo-
gists, gave the first hint for a kind of harness-
ing, or strapping, by which our forefathers
braced up their multifarious breeches, and
which has of late years been revived, and con-
tinues to be worn at the present day.

Such was the punishment of all petty delin-
quents, vagrants, and beggars and others

Chapter M.

PROJECTS OF WIEEIAM THE TESTY FOR INCREASING
THE CURRENCY — HE IS OUTWITTED BY THE
YANKEES — the great OYSTER WAR.

EXT to his projects for the
suppression of poverty
may be classed those of
William the Testy for
increasing the wealth of
New Amsterdam. Solo-
mon, of whose character
for wisdom the little gov-
ernor was somewhat emu-
lous, had made gold and
silver as plenty as the
stones in the streets of Jerusalem. William
Kieft could not pretend to vie with himx as to the
precious metals, but he determined, as an equi-
valent, to flood the streets of New Amsterdam
with Indian money. This was nothing more
nor less than strings of beads wrought of clams,
periwinkles, and other shell-fish, and called
seawant or wampum. These had formed a

i i-
V.V'r'

native currency among the simple savages,
who were content to take them of the Dutch-
men in exchange for peltries. In an unlucky
moment, William the Testy, seeing this money
of easy production, conceived the project of
making it the current coin of the province.
It is true it had an intrinsic value among the
Indians, who used it to ornament their robes
and moccasins, but among the honest burgh-
ers it had no more intrinsic value than those
rags which form the paper currency of modern
days. This consideration, however, had no
weight with William Kieft. He began by
paying all the servants of the company, and all
the debts of government, in strings of wampum.
He sent emissaries to sweep the shores of
Tong Island, which was the Ophir of this
modern Solomon, and abounded in shell-fish.
These were transported in loads to New Am-
sterdam, coined into Indian money, and
launched into circulation.

And now, for a time, affairs went on swim-
mingly ; money became as plentiful as in the
modern days of paper currency, and, to use
the popular phrase, ‘ ‘ a wonderful impulse was
given to public prosperity.” Yankee traders
poured into the province, buying everything
they could lay their hands on, and paying the
worthy Dutchmen their own price — in Indian

9

.0^

B mew Currency

money. If the latter, however, attempted to
pay the Yankees in the same coin for their tin
ware and wooden bowls, the case was altered ;
nothing would do but Dutch guilders and such
like ‘ ‘ metallic currency. ’ ’ What was wonse,
the Yankees introduced an inferior kind of
watnpum made of oyster-shells, with which
they deluged the province, carr^dng oif in
exchange all the silver and gold, the Dutch
herrings, and Dutch cheeses : thus earl)" did
the knowing men of the east manifest their
skill in bargaining the New Amsterdammers
out of the oyster, and leaving them the shell.*

It was a long time before William the Testy
was made sensible how completely his grand
project of finance was turned against him by
his eastern neighbors ; nor would he probably
have ever found it out, had not tidings been
brought him that the Yankees had made a
descent upon Long Island, and had established

* In a manuscript record of the province, dated,
1659, Library of the New York Historical Society, is
the following mention of Indian money :

Seawant alias wampum. Beads manufactured
from the Quahaug or wilk : a shell-fish formerly
abounding on our coasts, but lately of more rare
occurrence, of two colors, black and white ; the former
twice the value of the latter. Six beads of the white
and three of the black for an English penny. The
seawant depreciates from time to time. The New-

' V

360

21 1bl6tor^ ot IRevv ^ovk

a kind of mint at Oyster Bay, where they were
coining up all the oyster-banks.

Now this was making a vital attack upon
the province in a double sense, financial and
gastronomical. Ever since the council- dinner
of Oloffe the Dreamer at the founding of New
Amsterdam, at which banquet the oyster fig-
ured so conspicuously, this divine shell-fish has
been held in a kind of superstitious reverence
at the Manhattoes ; as witness the temples
erected to its cult in every street and lane and
alley. In fact, it is the standard luxury of
the place, as is the terrapin at Philadelphia,
the soft crab at Baltimore, or the canvas-back
at Washington.

The seizure of Oyster Bay, therefore, was an
outrage not merely on the pockets, but the
larders of the New Amsterdammers ; the whole
community was aroused, and an oyster crusade
was immediately set on foot against the Yan-

England people make use of it as a means of barter,
not only to carry away the best cargoes which we send
thither, but to accumulate a large quantity of beavers
and other furs ; by which the company is defrauded of
her revenues, and the merchants disappointed in mak-
ing returns with that speed with which they might
wish to meet their engagements ; while their com-
missioners and the inhabitants remain overstocked
with seawant, — a sort of currency of no value except
with the New Netherland savages, etc.”

^be Great Ouster Mar

361

kees. Every stout trencherman hastened to
the standard ; nay, some of the most corpulent
burgomasters and schepens joined the expedi-
tion as a corps de reserve, only to be called into
action when the sacking commenced.

The conduct of the expedition was intrusted
to a valiant Dutchman, who for size and weight
might have matched with Colbrand the Danish
champion, slain by Guy of Warwick. He was
famous throughout the province for strength
of arm and skill at quarter-staff, and hence
was named Stoffel Brinkerhoflf, or rather Brin-
kerhoofd, that is to say Stoffel, the head-
breaker.

This sturdy commander, who was a man of
few words but vigorous deeds, led his troops
resolutely on through Nineveh, and Babylon,
and Jericho, and Patch-hog, and other Long
Island towns, without encountering aii}^ diffi-
culty of note ; though it is said that some of
the burgomasters gave out at Hardscramble
Hill and Hungry Hollow, and that others lost
heart and turned back at Pusspanick. With
the rest he made good his march until he
arrived in the neighborhood of Oyster Bay.

Here he was encountered by a host of
Yankee warriors, headed by Preserved Fish,
and Habakkuk Nutter, and Return Strong,
and Zerubabbel Fisk, and Determined Cock !

362 % IbiBtorK? of IRcvv

at the sound of whose names Stoffel Brin-
kerhoff verily believed the whole parliament
of Praise-God Barebones had been let loose
upon him. He soon found, however, that
they were merely the ‘ ‘ selectmen ’ • of the
settlement, armed with no weapon but the
tongue, and disposed only to meet him on the
field of argument. Stoffel had but one mode
of arguing, that was, with the cudgel ; but he
used it with such effect that he routed his
antagonists, broke up the settlement, and
would have driven the inhabitants into the
sea if they had not managed to escape across
the Sound to the mainland by the Devil’s
stepping-stones, which remain to this day
monuments of this great Dutch victory over
the Yankees.

Stoffel Brinkerhoff made great spoil of oys-
ters and clams, coined and uncoined, and
then set out on his return to the Manhattoes.
A grand triumph, after the manner of the
ancients, was prepared for him by William the
Testy. He entered new Amsterdam as a
conqueror, mounted on a Narraganset pacer.
Five dried codfish on poles, standards taken
from the enemy, were borne before him, and
an immense store of oysters and clams, Weath-
ersfield onions, and Yankee “notions” formed
the spolia opinia ; while several coiners of

B Ifoistor^ of IRew

oyster-shells were led captive to grace the
hero’s triumph.

The procession was accompanied by a full
band of boys and negroes, performing on the
popular instruments of rattle-bones and clam-
shells, while Antony Van Corlear sounded his
trumpet from the ramparts.

A great banquet was served up in the stadt-
house from the clams and oysters taken from
the enem}^ ; while the governor sent the shells
privately to the mint, and had them coined
into Indian money, with which he paid his
troops.

It is moreover said that the governor, calling
to mind the practice among the ancients to
honor their victorious general with public
statutes, passed a magnanimous decree, by

END OF VOLUME I.

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